Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
“King-Size Homer” · Season 7
In this episode: Homer Simpson (5), Bart Simpson (3), Mr. Burns (3), Lisa Simpson (2), Marge Simpson (1), Lenny Leonard (1), Carl Carlson (1), Nick Riviera (1)
Bart and Lisa have to go to school while I get to stay ho-ome, na-na-na-na-na!
I like school.
Well, why don't you live in it then?
I would if I could.
[Bart fantasizes about being a "lardo on workman's comp" like Homer.]
[showing a rag on a stick] (southern accent) I wash myself with a rag on a stick.
[The members of the press all applaud Bart.]
"Explosion imminent". [scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented] Oh, my God! The plant's going to explode!
[At the power plant, Carl and Lenny walk past the rumbling tank without a clue]
Hey, that thing's going caca-cuckoo.
Who cares? It's Homer's problem.
Wait! I know! [types] Vent gas. [reading the text on the computer screen] "Pressure too high"? "Tank must be shut down manually"? [to drinking bird] Oh, stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! [strangles it a bit] Why you... Oh, who am I kidding? It's all my fault! [the bird nods] I gotta call the plant and warn them! [grabs phone, but his index finger is so fat that it depresses several keys at once]
RRecording
The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
Ahhh! [runs to the car] I'm going to have to shut it down myself. Fat, don't fail me now! [jumps in car; tires blow out] D'oh! [jumps on skateboard; snaps in half] Oh-oh!
[Homer is driving a stolen ice-cream truck towards the cooling tower, with several power plant employees clinging to the sides.]
Get away, damn it! Run for your lives!
W1Worker 1
I'll take a rocket pop!
W2Worker 2
What can I get for thirty cents?!
Let go! I've got to get to the tank! [the truck crashes and tips on its side; Homer runs out]
W3Worker 3
Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.
[leading an exercise] Push out the jive... bring in the love...
Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!
I think it's ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.
And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga-
Bart!
[Last lines of episode]
Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know. [Homer looks at his family, and realizes his obesity is making life hard for them]
Can you please make me thin again?
I guarantee it.
[Nighttime. Homer and Burns are out in the exercise yard. Homer strains, trying to to a sit-up.]
1. 1. 1! [throws down his megaphone in frustration] Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction.
Woo-hoo!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.