Abraham Simpson quotes from The Simpsons

This scam was in The Sting Part 2, so nobody knows about it.

[After the Russians shoot down his brother, Cyrus] You'll pay for that, you haiku-spouting savages!

You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.

Homer

Heh-heh, mule.

The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.

Mayor Quimby

Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?

Ned

Monorail!

What's it called?

Monorail.

That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]

I hear those things are awfully loud.

It glides as softly as a cloud!

Is there a chance the track could bend?

Not on your life, my Hindu friend!

Barney

What about us brain-dead slobs?

You'll be given cushy jobs!

Were you sent here by the Devil?

No, good sir, I'm on the level!

Chief Wiggum

The ring came off my pudding can.

Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!

Marge

But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!

Bart

Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!

Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!

Homer

Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!

Mr. Burns

I specifically requested no romantic music! What…?

[stops playing organ, trying to pounds the window] Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! [Glass breaks, he falls to the church floor, saved Jacqueline] Mrs. Bouvier!

[voices only] ♪ Hello Grampa, my old friend ♪

[voice only, in credits] I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine with a vulcanized rubber listening tube which you crammed in your ear! The tube would go in easy with some sort of lubricant like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's... [the Gracie Films logo appears] Oops. I'm sorry!

Lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I forgot to take the little parasol out.

That's not a war story, I'll tell you a war story. I was on PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret.

Ich bin ein Berliner.

He's a Nazi! Get him!

Tonight's Simpsons episode was brought to you by the symbol umlaut, and the number E. Not the letter E, but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself.

Well, it's been a long run; but I think this will kill it.

Jasper

What, The Simpsons?

No, Christmas.