TV show quotes
It's really smooth. This is so good that we shold stop smoking it right now. We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? [Shelley walks in with her potion] This is seriously gonna be the best Halloween ever. [Shelley then splashes the potion all over the Halloween Special; turns around, alarmed] SHELLEY!
That's what I think of your stupid special! [walks away]
No! NOOO!!
I have to end this curse, fellas. It's gettin' worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [shows the selfies taken by the mummy on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!
Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.
It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!
We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.
Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.
I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.
Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?
Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside] Oh, gosh darn it. [leaves the table]
Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.
[chuckling] W-what?
Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating.
You're going to a book fair.
Yes.
On fucking Halloween?!
Yes!
I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!
You're my dad. Drive me to the book fair!
I will not! I have things to get ready! And nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelley!
The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the table's leg off and jars of marijuana fall and shatter]
OH, MY GOD!!
[City Hall Council; Randy is brought in, handcuffed]
Hello, Mayor. Mr. and Mrs. Tweak. Mackey.
Mr. Marsh, do you remember a few weeks ago when (all the) homes in South Park were attacked by a terrorist called "Mexican Joker?"
Yeah, Mexican Joker. That was terrible.
Right. Except there was no Mexican Joker. It was you who blew up people's yards because they were home-growing their own marijuana.
Well, that's ridiculous.
The Tweaks have come forward with some footage caught on their security camera.
Guys, I have nothing against home-growers.
Run the footage, please! [Janson plays the footage on the screen; Randy is shown creeping up to a homegrown operation and starts peeing and pooping in it, he then burys an explosive and runs away before the homegrown garden explodes; end of footage] People are fed up, Marsh. The past few weeks you've held parades for yourself, needlessly slaughtered a thousand cows, made deals with the Chinese, and nearly poisoned everyone with your Halloween Special. Everyone's had enough of Tegridy Farms.
Enough of Tegridy Farms?! South Park is NOTHING without Tegridy Farms!
You'll be taken to county jail to await your trial. [to an officer] Get him out of here.
[as the officer takes him away] I didn't do anything wrong! You people are just jealous! Jealous that I took over South Park and I'm successful!
Well, at least South Park can start getting back to normal.
[South Park Church; Everyone attends Jason White's funeral after he is run over and killed by a police car while playing football with the boys; Mrs. White cries hysterically over the loss of her son as Robert comforts her]
Little Jason White was a happy child. A playful child. And ultimately, it was his playfulness in sports that got him killed in a freak hit-and-run accident. The father would now like to say a few words. [leaves the podium and hold's Robert's hands]
[stands on the podium] I'm Robert White, Jason's father, and I can tell you that as a White, Jason lived a challenged life. When I look out on this congregation, I can't help but think, "There's not a whole lot of people here." Doesn't seem like a big deal. Nobody's outraged. 'Cause it was our family. Nobody cares when a White gets killed by the police. There should be protests and marched, but NO. The police killed a White! That's not protest-worthy! Everybody's busy trying to lock up Randy Marsh! Now my wife and I have a did child and we can't even get any weed to make us feel better! Yeah, don't listen to me. I'm just a White.
[Mr. and Mrs. White arrive at the ICE detention center along with other parents on a bus, looking for some children to adopt]
Mr. and Mrs. White?
Yes?
We all heard about your tragic loss. I'd love to help out however I can. Is there something specific you're looking for?
We... don't really know.
Well, we've got all kinds here, depending on your preferences. Here's a little Panamanian. They're very clean. This is a Colombian Shorthair. Oh, and this is a good one. This is a Baja Shepherd.
Quiero a mi papá. Quiero a mi mamá. ("I want my dad. I want my mom.")
Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ("Fine, thanks. And you?")
Oh, honey. Look at the Peruvian Hairless.
Yes, they're pretty silly-looking. Great with kids though.
Hey, what's this little guy?
Oh, this is a purebred Mexican. He's had all his shots. Parents were deported two weeks ago. Here, we can let him run around a little bit. [opens the kennel to let the boy out]
[steps out] Mi familia. ¿Dónde está? ("My family. Where is it?")',
Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ("Fine, thanks. And you?")
Oh, Bob, he's kind of perfect!
Hello, little fella. How would you like to be a White?
[PC Principal and Strong Woman enter the living room seeing their baby children crying]
Kids, kids. Okay, what's the matter?
Oh, no, I left Disney+ on and it went to "Mulan."
They don't like Mulan?
No, because Mulan is a female that identifies as male and yet the movie doesn't take the time to address real trans issues.
Okay, okay, we know! [takes the remote and turns off the TV] "Mulan" is outdated in creating straw dog characters to talk about trans issues! Daddy's turning it off! [switches to another channel]
[Hell's Pass Hospital; Kyle and Ike are in the waiting room while Sheila is being checked up, having suddenly started projectile pooping and vomiting on herself shortly after delivering a speech to all the women of the town at the community center]
Hello, boys. Your mommy has a bacterial infection called, C. diff. It's very contagious.
A bacterial infection? In her stomach?
All of us have trillions of microorganisms that grow on and inside our bodies. Just like your mom. There's tiny creatures that live in your mom's skin, on her eyelashes, in her vagina. But the good bacteria in mommy's tummy is being overrun by bad bacteria. We can't use antibiotics, because that will kill all the good bacteria too.
So what can you do for her?
We need to take a healthy person's microbiome and start to grow it inside your mother. We do this with a fecal transplant. We'll get a donor's feces, mix it with water, and put it up your mom's anus.
[disgusted] Eeewww!
Your mom is tough, kids. We're gonna do the very best we can, kids. Try not to worry.
Ike, if Mom lives, we can't let anyone ever know about this.
Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures on your eyelashes and in your teeth!
So?
So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're trickling in your mouth and mixing with millions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!
Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?
Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.
[spits his soda out and laughs] Fecal transplant!
Hi, Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.
Why?
Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a video game] "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.
Whaaat?
Yeah, he wants it.
Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?
[muffled] Yeah. He'll do anything.
When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar?
What?! EW! NO!
Yes!
I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.
That is disgusting. Absolutely not!
Kyle!
Oh, well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber.
What is your problem?!
What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!
Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'til Christmas. We could be paying with it tomorrow.
[muffled] TO-MORROW!
I said, NO, and that's final!
[Café Monet]
Girls, can I just say, you both look fantastic.
[chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.
Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way and we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore.
[angrily barges in, having thrown up on herself] There you are, you goddamn bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!
Harriet, I do not like your tone.
You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!
What are you talking about?
I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!
So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?
That's beside the point now!
Oh, is it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C word the other day!
Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!
Fuck you, Harriet!
Oho. Okay ladies, come on.
Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me! [Laura begins to moan before she, too, starts throwing up and poops her skirt with projectile force; shocked] What the fuck?!
You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet. We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh- Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then has to lean over on a chair as she is unable to hold in her diarrhea and squirts it out around other diners, also splashing her now-infected vomit on everyone in the diner, as all the girls in the group but Sheila are now vomiting and soiling themselves uncontrollably]
We have a major epidemic here, Detective. C. diff has spread to half the town. We don't have enough staff or enough to supplies to keep up with it.
How did this happen?
Apparently, the outbreak started at a restaurant when some women got sick on everybody. The women contracted C. diff. by giving themselves DIY fecal transplants.
So they got sick from another woman's feces?
No, they got sick from using this, [holds up a turkey baster] a common household turkey baster. It's a thing most people use just once a year, around Thanksgiving. The rest of the year it just sits in a drawer collecting bacteria, and then the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.
Oh, those ladies!
It gets worse. We're completely out of healthy donor feces. Even if we found a donor at this point, it wouldn't be enough to give everyone transplants.
So what happens next?
With how contagious C. diff is and how deadly, half of South Park is going to die.
Jesus... what have those rascally ladies done? [walks off]
Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.
And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.
Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.
I hope we can all be besties again.
You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.
Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?
I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.
Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies, is one too many for the ladies.
Dad, I love you. I love you so much, Dad.
What?
I love you so much, Dad. Please, can we get Disney+?
Goddamnit, not this shit again! No! We don't need Disney Fucking Plus, Scott! We got cable, and that's enough! All this talk about Disney+ and CBS Max and shit on a fucking extreme prime! Where's it gonna end?! Straight to fucking hell, that's where! I'm going to work!
Look at that. Look. Two hundred and forty channels of anything we wanna watch. No accounts! No fucking passwords! Just pure, simple, basic cable.
[enters the house] Mom! Dad! Guess what?
[switching channels] Not now, Scott. Your mom and I are enjoying watching whatever we want and not signing up for anything.
But Dad, there's this new girl in school, and she has... diabetes!
Oh, that's wonderful, Scott.
Yeah. And guess what? She wants to come over to our house! So we HAVE to get Disney+!
Oh, not this shit again! The answer is NO!
Dad, please! This is my life!
Streaming services are destroying our culture, Scott! People got a thousand shows at their fingertips 24/7, so Hollywood has to make shows within their shows to make more shows!
But, Dad, what's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it?
[mockingly] "What's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it? I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes." [walks off]
[infuriated] UNBELIEVABLE!
[Tegridy Farms; The mayor angrily bangs on the front door for Randy to answer]
[answers the door] Oh, hi, Mayor.
We need to talk, Marsh.
[Inside the house]
What's going on? Are people not liking the Christmas Special so far?
Oh, people love the Christmas Special. [picks up a jar and turns to Randy] So, Marsh. What exactly is in this Christmas Snow?
Okay, okay, look, you busted us. It's a mix of different strains of marijuana we had left over from last season. I know, it's wrong.
No, no, no, what is the white stuff on the marijuana?
Oh, that? That's cocaine.
[horrified shock] WHAT?!
Yeah, I got the idea praying to Christ. You know, powder, snow, it's what gives Christmas Snow its kick. Getting enough cocaine was the tricky part, so we started growing our own. Turns out the coca plant is even hardier than the marijuana plant. It can grow even when we're out of season.
What is wrong with you?! We can't have you selling this stuff in town! Cocaine is ILLEGAL!
It is?
Jesus Christ, you can't just give people coke without them knowing! We could all go to prison!
Hey, hey, it's not a big deal. I've been through this before. Hang on, I'll handle it. Don't go anywhere. [pulls away from the farm and goes to town; later returns] Okay, cocaine's totally legal now. [hands the mayor the new law]
It- it is?
Yeah, legal in seven states including this one, and other states are soon to follow. I told you. It's 2019, dawg.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
