Stupid government! How can they sit there and look a child in the face and say it's fine for people to grow their own weed?!
Why does it-- Ugh. Am I the only person here who understands what this will do to us?!
Yeah, but Dad, you're gonna piss off everybody in South Park.
You know what? Fuck South Park!
Yeah, I'm sick it! I'm just- I'm done! I don't give two shits about South Park! All that matters is Tegridy Farms now!
I don't know if you wanna say "Fuck South Park."
[enters the room; upset] Hey Randy, did you go make a deal with another weed company?
Yes, Towelie. I'm working on a merger with Med Men.
Med Men? But, those guys are posers.
We have a deal in the works to help each other put a stop to home-growers once and for all.
Jesus. You know, I knew a guy who thought weed should be for everybody. A guy who believed in integrity. I don't understand who you even are anymore.
That's because I'm the president of the company, and YOU are a TOWEL!
What is wrong with trying to protect our business?
[walks towards the front door; stops and turns around] Because weed isn't supposed to be some money-grubbin' business model! It's a gift from God! And not something to exploited by some stupid towel! [opens the door and steps out]
Yeah. Yeah, sure thing, Randy. You are not a towel.
What the fuck are you doing here?!
So weak. Jimmy pissed me off 'cause he told the teacher I was texting in class, so I told Jimmy I'd have him sent off to a migrant detention center. He didn't believe me, so I said "Oh, I already did it to Kyle." Stan heard that, so he got pissed off and had me sent off to a migrant detention center.
I haven't seen my parents in two weeks! Nobody even knows where my little brother is!
I know. I know it sucks. But we're stuck in here together. Come on, buys. All we have to do is try to make the most of it.
Well, gang. Looks like Tegridy Farms is turning big profits again. We're on our way to becoming the biggest weed brand in the country. I'm not getting pushed around now, you got it? So go on. Anybody here wants to call me a towel, just go ahead and do it! Go on, Sharon. Call me a towel.
Fine. You're a towel. [gets up and walks away]
BEST TOWEL YOU EVER HAD, BITCH!
All right?! Who's the asshole?! Which one of you decided to go and start badmouthing the Chinese government?! Huh-uh. Who here thought they had permission to say anything critical of Chinese politics?!
TThor
Well it is true, sir. The Chinese seem to exploit their own people in forced labor cam-
SHUT THE FUCK UP, THOR! You're here to flex and not speak, you fucking bitch!
WPWinnie the Pooh
Please. Mr. Marsh was only standing up for me and Piglet, because we were political prisoners.
YOU are a fat diabetic bear, and if the Chinese don't want you, then I don't either! Now who the fuck is Mr. Marsh?!
Uhhh that's me. Randy Marsh.
Who is this? I don't know you. Are you from Pixar?
What's South Park? Do I own that?
DCDisney character
No, not yet sir.
You're telling me that I'm losing Chinese customers because of some shithead that's not even from MY company?!
Hey, hold on a minute! Do you really think this business should be run through intimidation and fear?! Whatever happened to old-time values?! You already have business with the Chinese. You have all the connections money can buy! But there's one thing you don't have. That's Tegridy.
Well, gang, looks like the family business is starting to really turn the corner. I don't know about you, but I for one think the world is going to be a better and safer place now that China finally has Tegridy.
[noticing his father's appearance] Dad, why are you covered in honey and blood? Dad, did you kill Winnie the Pooh?
Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh- Oh, yeah, I did kill Winnie the Pooh. [Stan just gets up and leaves] Where are ya goin', Stan?
I'm going to go write another song about you.
Ooh, about me? Make sure it talks about me bringing Tegridy to China!
Eric, you have to be a big boy.
Big boys get a toy from the toy chest.
No, no, no, no, no! [screeches]
Eric, it's just a little prick.
[laughs, and the doctor gets even closer] No! No! No! Noooooo!
[Eric panics and jumps all over the place, squealing like a pig]
[That night at the Cartman residence… Liane peeks into her son's room, checking to see if he's asleep, then signals the parents by flickering her bedroom light off and on and they come inside]
[with Linda, Gerald and Sheila creeping behind him; whispering] Alright, alright. Bring him in! [Richard and Mrs. Tweak enter with the doctor] The little boy's room is upstairs.
[whispering; worried] Oh, I don't know if I can go through with this. My little Eric is going to be so mad at me!
Look, by the time he knows what's happened, it'll already be over.
Did you bring his boo-boo present?
Yes, yes. Come on, Thomas and Laura!
[Thomas and Laura enter with a Hot Wheels racing game for Cartman along with Linda Black with a sign reading: "You did it, Eric"] Okay, see? We got the present, everything's gonna be fine.
[The parents go upstairs and into Cartman's room; The doctor puts his medicine kit on the bed, prepares a vaccine, and draws it close to Cartman]
[suddenly wakes up, sensing someone nearby] Hey, what's going on? [notices the doctor about to inject the vaccine into him, then bolts out of bed, and runs around in panic]
DDoctor
It'll be just for a second!
[trying to catch him] Oh, Jesus!
Eric, there's a big treat for you if you stay still!
[turns off TV after watching the commercial] Well? What'd you think, guys?
How much did you spend making that commercial?
Who cares, Sharon? Business is up.
[furiously] Nobody cares about your stupid $300,000! We've become the kind of business that we moved out here to get away from! You know why the Chinese buy our weed?! It's to plant on their student protesters so they can put them in jail!
Yeah. We make money either way.
You don't care how anyone else feels! We bought this farm together, Randy! Or did you forget that?! [leaves]
I hate marijuana! [gets off the sofa and leaves too]
I hate marijuana too. [gets off the sofa and leaves as well]
[Randy pulls up at Burger King and goes inside]
Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?
Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings... the big Coke Zero and, um... What's an Impossible Burger?
It's a plant-based burger, sir.
Plant-based? You mean, it's not like a cow?
No, sir. It's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.
Hoh. Okay, I'll try it. [hands his debit card to Rick as he turns it through and hands it back to him, hands him the receipt and the burger; takes a bite of it] Hey. This tastes like shit. You guys make money off of this?
They're very popular, sir. A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability.
Aw that, that's amazing. I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit, and you get people to buy it? [gets an idea] Wait a minute... Plant-based... Plant... basd... Plant-based. Oh my God.
Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this!
Believe what? Your text said that-
Come on come on come on! [pulls him into the kitchen with two burgers sitting on the table] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat.want you to try it. [hands Gerald a burger]
It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it] Well?
Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though.
[through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good.
Wait for it. Wait for it..
Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in]
[takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had!
And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12.
[reclining against a cabinet eating a burger] Best burgers I ever had.
I'm standing now with Randy Marsh, the owner of Tegridy Burger, and Mr. Marsh, you must be pretty excited. [the crowd behind him across the street begins to cheer him on, and he looks over his shoulder at it]
Yeah-ha, you know, we're all just... we're all just bein' healthy and ethical out here.
Uh-huh. And Mr. Marsh, what about the STUDENT PROTEST COMING OUT AGAINST YOUR BURGER RIGHT NOW?!?
Students are coming forward saying that Tegridy Farms is unethical and hypocritical!
[shows up dressed as a college student in a blond wig] That's right! Tegridy Burger is a fraud! We caught their farm on camera, just take a look!
We warn you, the following footage is graphic. [footage is now showing Randy and Towelie's cow-killing massacre, and after it ends, the crowd behind Randy starts booing at him] Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say about these images?
[being pelted by burgers from the crowd] Ohhh, hey. Fuck you! Oh they were- They were just- We didn't eat 'em.
Shelley hasn't come out of her room in two days.
[sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [walks upstairs and enters Shelley's room] Hey, Shelley? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Come on, kiddo. Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on now. [Shelley leaves her desk to sit on her bed next to Randy] Shelley, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?
Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?
It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!
Shelley, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?
Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!
Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?
Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.
You don't know that, Shelley! Now you're just making assumptions!
Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!
Shelley! Okay, look. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you!
What's this? Whoa... "Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty." This is it! My last sticker!
JJud
That's the mummy of Took-tan Ra. You don't wanna put that stamp in your sticker book. Nobody puts that stamp in their sticker book.
JJud
It's got a curse on it. Ancient love cure not fit for any child. You can look at the mummy all you like, but... you don't want that stamp... in your sticker book.
Haha, that's okay. I'm no ordinary child. I am Archeologist Butters! [stamps his sticker book and runs off; doesn't notice the brief glow the stamp gives off] Happy Halloween, Mister!
JJud
For some of us, maybe.
BOfficer Brown
Butters Stotch?
BOfficer Brown
We want to ask you some questions about what happened in town last night.
What... happened in town?
OOfficer
People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy. It killed five people and destroyed everything it could.
Oh, uh, a mummy, huh? That's, that's weird.
BOfficer Brown
Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy said you two got in some kind of altercation last night.
What? The mummy talked to you?
OOfficer
Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy "got into an argument over a gift you didn't seem to appreciate"?
There was no argument. I just said I already had it and I'd give it to a friend.
BOfficer Brown
A present that the mummy got for you?
BOfficer Brown
You can see how that could be pretty hurtful.
OOfficer
Did you throw the mummy out of your house?
No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me and left!
BOfficer Brown
You're gonna have to share in the damages here, son.
But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay, look, officers, I think... I'm under some kind of curse.
OOfficer
Well, that's what the mummy told us about you.
BOfficer Brown
You got a summons to appear in court. Until then I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other. [rips out the ticket citation and places it on Butters' forehead]
