Shelley hasn't come out of her room in two days.
[sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [walks upstairs and enters Shelley's room] Hey, Shelley? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Come on, kiddo. Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on now. [Shelley leaves her desk to sit on her bed next to Randy] Shelley, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?
Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?
It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!
Shelley, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?
Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!
Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?
Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.
You don't know that, Shelley! Now you're just making assumptions!
Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!
Shelley! Okay, look. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you!
What's this? Whoa... "Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty." This is it! My last sticker!
JJud
That's the mummy of Took-tan Ra. You don't wanna put that stamp in your sticker book. Nobody puts that stamp in their sticker book.
JJud
It's got a curse on it. Ancient love cure not fit for any child. You can look at the mummy all you like, but... you don't want that stamp... in your sticker book.
Haha, that's okay. I'm no ordinary child. I am Archeologist Butters! [stamps his sticker book and runs off; doesn't notice the brief glow the stamp gives off] Happy Halloween, Mister!
JJud
For some of us, maybe.
BOfficer Brown
Butters Stotch?
BOfficer Brown
We want to ask you some questions about what happened in town last night.
What... happened in town?
OOfficer
People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy. It killed five people and destroyed everything it could.
Oh, uh, a mummy, huh? That's, that's weird.
BOfficer Brown
Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy said you two got in some kind of altercation last night.
What? The mummy talked to you?
OOfficer
Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy "got into an argument over a gift you didn't seem to appreciate"?
There was no argument. I just said I already had it and I'd give it to a friend.
BOfficer Brown
A present that the mummy got for you?
BOfficer Brown
You can see how that could be pretty hurtful.
OOfficer
Did you throw the mummy out of your house?
No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me and left!
BOfficer Brown
You're gonna have to share in the damages here, son.
But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay, look, officers, I think... I'm under some kind of curse.
OOfficer
Well, that's what the mummy told us about you.
BOfficer Brown
You got a summons to appear in court. Until then I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other. [rips out the ticket citation and places it on Butters' forehead]
I have to end this curse, fellas. It's gettin' worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [shows the selfies taken by the mummy on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!
Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.
It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!
We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.
Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.
I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.
Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?
Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside] Oh, gosh darn it. [leaves the table]
Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.
Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating.
You're going to a book fair.
I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!
You're my dad. Drive me to the book fair!
I will not! I have things to get ready! And nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelley!
The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the table's leg off and jars of marijuana fall and shatter]
