[Hell's Pass Hospital; Kyle and Ike are in the waiting room while Sheila is being checked up, having suddenly started projectile pooping and vomiting on herself shortly after delivering a speech to all the women of the town at the community center]
Hello, boys. Your mommy has a bacterial infection called, C. diff. It's very contagious.
A bacterial infection? In her stomach?
All of us have trillions of microorganisms that grow on and inside our bodies. Just like your mom. There's tiny creatures that live in your mom's skin, on her eyelashes, in her vagina. But the good bacteria in mommy's tummy is being overrun by bad bacteria. We can't use antibiotics, because that will kill all the good bacteria too.
So what can you do for her?
We need to take a healthy person's microbiome and start to grow it inside your mother. We do this with a fecal transplant. We'll get a donor's feces, mix it with water, and put it up your mom's anus.
KIKyle and Ike
[disgusted] Eeewww!
Your mom is tough, kids. We're gonna do the very best we can, kids. Try not to worry.
Ike, if Mom lives, we can't let anyone ever know about this.
Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures on your eyelashes and in your teeth!
So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're trickling in your mouth and mixing with millions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!
Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?
Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.
[spits his soda out and laughs] Fecal transplant!
Hi, Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.
Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a video game] "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.
Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?
[muffled] Yeah. He'll do anything.
When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar?
I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.
That is disgusting. Absolutely not!
Oh, well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber.
What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!
Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'til Christmas. We could be paying with it tomorrow.
I said, NO, and that's final!
[Café Monet]
Girls, can I just say, you both look fantastic.
[chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.
Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way and we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore.
[angrily barges in, having thrown up on herself] There you are, you goddamn bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!
Harriet, I do not like your tone.
You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!
What are you talking about?
I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!
So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?
That's beside the point now!
Oh, is it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C word the other day!
Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!
MDMale Diner
Oho. Okay ladies, come on.
Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me! [Laura begins to moan before she, too, starts throwing up and poops her skirt with projectile force; shocked] What the fuck?!
You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet. We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh- Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then has to lean over on a chair as she is unable to hold in her diarrhea and squirts it out around other diners, also splashing her now-infected vomit on everyone in the diner, as all the girls in the group but Sheila are now vomiting and soiling themselves uncontrollably]
We have a major epidemic here, Detective. C. diff has spread to half the town. We don't have enough staff or enough to supplies to keep up with it.
Apparently, the outbreak started at a restaurant when some women got sick on everybody. The women contracted C. diff. by giving themselves DIY fecal transplants.
So they got sick from another woman's feces?
No, they got sick from using this, [holds up a turkey baster] a common household turkey baster. It's a thing most people use just once a year, around Thanksgiving. The rest of the year it just sits in a drawer collecting bacteria, and then the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.
It gets worse. We're completely out of healthy donor feces. Even if we found a donor at this point, it wouldn't be enough to give everyone transplants.
With how contagious C. diff is and how deadly, half of South Park is going to die.
Jesus... what have those rascally ladies done? [walks off]
Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.
And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.
Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.
I hope we can all be besties again.
You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.
Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?
I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more.
Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies, is one too many for the ladies.
