J Judge
Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity - a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.
Your Honor, over the coming weeks and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--
[points to window] There's the angel!
[Murmuring]
[The courtroom empties]
J Judge
I find the defendant not guilty. As for science vs. religion , I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from science at all times.
I don't understand, professor. Why didn't your tests show that the skeleton was a fake?
G Dr. Gould
I'm going to be honest with you Lisa, I never did the tests. [walks away]
Trying is the first step toward failure.
Seat belts? They kill more people than they save.
That's not true, you're thinking of airbags!
What the--? This is Wiggum reporting a 3-18: Waking a police officer.
[Bart and Lisa help Marge practice her skills as an estate agent by roleplaying as a married couple]
So, you're married and you're looking for your house, Mr. and Mrs...?
[chuckling] Oh! Don't listen to my husband, he's just an idiot. Now, I'm a veterinarian, and I need to keep lots of sick animals in my house - is that permitted?
Well, this neighbourhood is zone R3, which allows dogs, cats, phone-answering monkeys, and... ohhh... [checks book and sits down in defeat] I'll never memorize all this!
When I had to learn about the Magna Carta, I made up a song! [sings to the tune of "Camptown Races"]
In 1215 at Runnymede, do da do da,
The nobles and the king agreed, oh da doo da day!
[grumpily] We should have lived together first...
[Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer to the tune of “Camptown Races”]
BL Bart, Lisa, and Marge
On the closing day, the escrow agents pay
Taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!
They back your baaaaaank!
[high-pitched] Aaaaaaahhhh! All my life I've wanted purple drapes! [high-pitched] Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!
Hey, that smells like regular! She needs Premium, dude! PREMIUM! DUUUUUDE!!
Marge, I had a lot of calls about you. Customers love your no-pressure approach.
Well, like we say, the right house for the right person.
Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. "The right house" is the house that's for sale; the "right person" is anyone .
But all I did was tell the truth.
Of course you did. But there's "the truth" [frowns and shakes head] and "the truth." [smiles wide and nods] Let me show you.
I'd say it's awfully "cozy."
Thank you, Bart, thank you, Lisa, for all your help!
What about me? You didn't thank me.
[furious] A smashed hot-rod, a wrecked police cruiser, a destroyed house?! I've had it with your renegade ways, Simpson! You're a loose cannon!
And what really fries me is you returned his check!
[After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything]
[disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.
Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
[Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table]
"You'll all get yours in hell, you lying thieving..." [hesitates]: "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."
Oh, great, now we have to send him a card.
I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.
‹ Previous Page 5 of 16
Next ›
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License .
