You only live once!
AApu
Hey, speak for yourself!
“Miracle on Evergreen Terrace” · Season 9
In this episode: Homer Simpson (8), Bart Simpson (4), Marge Simpson (4), Lisa Simpson (3), Kent Brockman (3), Moe Szyslak (2), Milhouse Van Houten (1), Barney Gumble (1)
[After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything]
MMoe
[disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.
Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!
[Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table]
"You'll all get yours in hell, you lying thieving..." [hesitates]: "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."
Oh, great, now we have to send him a card.
I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.
Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness!
This year's tree is just perfect. That aluminum one was so fake.
I couldn't agree more. From now on it's plastic all the way.
Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's and cheer up the old folks? That'll make us feel better.
[moans] Okay, but they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy.
Hey, since when is Christmas just about presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day... the birth of Santa?
Now, um, what did this Christmas thief look like?
Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, a big scar on his cheek.
Anything unusual?
Hey, look what I got, Bart! A Tickle Me Krusty!
Hey, kid, get your finger out of there.
[laughing, Homer throws a snowball at his face] Ow!
[offscreen] Homer!
Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on?
Is this car $15,000?
SSalesman
[rubs off the $12,000 price tag] It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hund—No, four hundred and ninety bucks!
What a deal! I'd be a sucker not to get it!
I don't know about this, Dad. Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some—OW!
SSalesman
Oh, I'm sorry, I jabbed you with my pen.
Oww! You're still doing it!
SSalesman
I know.
Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief if he's watching?
Eh, yes… Kent. Uh, hello… jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure… you do exist.
Strong words. Strong, bewildering words.
So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?
[annoyed] How'd you think I felt?
Absolutely devastated? [turns to camera] "Absolutely devastated," the words of a heartbroken mother.
There was no burglar. I accidentally burned up the tree. And the presents. I'm really sorry.
Why you little-! [Runs over and starts strangling Bart]
Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! [He strangles Bart]
MMoe
Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
[drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe… you're always Moe.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.