Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness!
S9Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
This year's tree is just perfect. That aluminum one was so fake.
I couldn't agree more. From now on it's plastic all the way.
Hey, why don't we walk over to Grampa's and cheer up the old folks? That'll make us feel better.
[moans] Okay, but they'll have to be pretty damn miserable to make me happy.
Hey, since when is Christmas just about presents? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day... the birth of Santa?
Now, um, what did this Christmas thief look like?
Well, he had a glass eye, a wooden leg, a big scar on his cheek.
Anything unusual?
Hey, look what I got, Bart! A Tickle Me Krusty!
Hey, kid, get your finger out of there.
[laughing, Homer throws a snowball at his face] Ow!
[offscreen] Homer!
Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on?
Is this car $15,000?
SSalesman
[rubs off the $12,000 price tag] It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hund—No, four hundred and ninety bucks!
What a deal! I'd be a sucker not to get it!
I don't know about this, Dad. Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some—OW!
SSalesman
Oh, I'm sorry, I jabbed you with my pen.
Oww! You're still doing it!
SSalesman
I know.
Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief if he's watching?
Eh, yes… Kent. Uh, hello… jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure… you do exist.
Strong words. Strong, bewildering words.
So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?
[annoyed] How'd you think I felt?
Absolutely devastated? [turns to camera] "Absolutely devastated," the words of a heartbroken mother.
There was no burglar. I accidentally burned up the tree. And the presents. I'm really sorry.
Why you little-! [Runs over and starts strangling Bart]
Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! [He strangles Bart]
MMoe
Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
[drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe… you're always Moe.
In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things, but this putrid fraud out-stinks them all.
CCameraman
And cut.
I just wanna thank you folks so much! This has turned out to be a great, great story for me.
S9All Singing, All Dancing
We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?
Well, they put us on a 'Waiting to Exhale' waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.
Singing is the lowest form of communication.
Homer, you sing all the time.
No I don't, I hate to rhyme.
[singing]
You like musicals, don't you Dad?
No, I don't, I think they're bad
They're fake and phony and totally wrong
Wake up Dad, you're singing a song
I wouldn't, I couldn't, I hate that stuff
Now Homer, listen, I've had enough
In our family videos we have plainly seen
You're a singing, dancing, entertainment machine
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.