[horrified] The burglar even took my stamp collection!
[amused] You had a stamp collection?
[The family all laugh at Bart, and the phone rings. Bart answers it.]
[on the phone] Stamp collection? Ha-ha!
S5Homer the Vigilante
Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
PProfessor
Mmm, yes I would, Kent.
Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forty percent of all people know that.
S5Bart Gets Famous
[Marge convinces Bart to perform one more time.]
You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. [to Marge] I'm gonna go out there and give the best performance of my life!
The best performance of your life?
The best performance of my life!
[to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
[breaking a lamp] D'oh!
Ay, caramba!
[groans]
[sucks her pacifier]
Hi-dilly-ho!
[belches]
Ha, ha!
Excellent.
[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]
If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]
What kind of catchphrase is that?
I'm telling you, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the Credits! [presses "play"]
Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll, then after a few seconds they are squeezed for a news promo]
I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.
[Pausing the tape and pointing to his name on the screen] There's my name, right here, Bart Simpson.
Looks more like Brad Storch.
No, it says Betty. Betty Symington.
[Punching Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.
[Reading news script] 'Tragic news tonight: a tidal wave in Kuala'... 'la'- la.... 'Pur'... 'Lam-pur'... France.
[Bart pops up and steals Kent's Danish.]
Yoink!
Yoink? [After finding out his Danish is gone] [gasps]
[Shuffling his papers] Yeah, I know I'm on. But I don't care. I don't read the news until I get my Danish. Go ahead, try to find a replacement.
BMBumbleebee Man
[Pushing Kent off the chair and sitting on it] [clearing throat] 'A powerful tidal wave in Kuala Lumpur has killed 120 people.' Ay Chihuahua! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [Loses balance and falls over]
AAnnouncer
And now it's time for "Match Game 2034", with Billy Crystal!
BBilly
Hi!
AAnnouncer
Farah Fawcett-Majors-O'Neal-Varney!
FFarah
[Grunts]
AAnnouncer
The "I didn't do it" boy!
[Grunts]
AAnnouncer
Ventriloquist Loni Anderson!
LLoni
[sighs]
AAnnouncer
Spike Lee!
SSpike
Mmm.
AAnnouncer
And the always lovely and vivacious head of Kitty Carlisle!
KKitty
Hi, everybody: let's start the game!
S5Homer and Apu
[Homer is eating expired meat he bought at the Kwik-E-Mart]
Homer [as his stomach grumbles]: Ooh! Stomach...churning! [keeps eating the expired ham. His stomach grumbling gets more intense. Begins to double over]: Bowels...clenching. Not much time. [falls off the couch, off-screen]: Must finish! [eating sounds]
[Cut to an ambulance speeding down the street, sirens wailing]
[Establishing shot of Springfield General Hospital. Cut to a sick Homer in a hospital bed with Marge, the kids, and Dr. Hibbert standing over him]
Well, sir, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or...[chuckles]: some sort of voodoo curse.
[whip pan to Patty and Selma with a purse]
Hey! We've just been working the eyes. [Selma holds up a Homer-shaped voodoo doll with 12 needles (six on each eye) in his eyes]
[some time later]
Your old meat made me sick!
AApu
Why, I'm so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp. [Homer picks up and sniffs a piece of shrimp]
This shrimp isn't frozen – and it smells funny!
AApu
Okay, ten pounds.
Woo-hoo!
[Cut to the same ambulance as before speeding down the street, sirens still wailing]
Good evening, here's an update on last week's nursing home exposé, "Geezers in Freezers" – it turns out the rest home was adequately heated; the footage you saw was of a fur-storage facility. We've also been told to apologize for using the term "geezers". Now, coming up next, "The Case of the Cantankerous Old Geezer."
[couch-ridden with salmonella] Oh... Urp! Rancid meat attack! Stupid parasites! Is there no way I can find justice?
AApu
I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
You're... selling what now?
AApu
I'm selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos! [slams the door on him]
AApu
He's got me there.
We've come up with a camera so tiny it fits into this oversized novelty hat. [puts hat on Homer, straining on pain] Now, go get us some incriminating footage. And remember: you have to get in and out for 10 minutes, or you suffer permanent neck damage.
MMan
[neck horribly bent] He's not kiddin'.
[Homer walks towards the Kwik-E-Mart doors, swaying and weaving. Apu watches him, curious. Kent and others watch through the camera in the surveillance van]
AApu
Huh?
Don't be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I'm not wearing the hat.
AApu
Your headgear seems to be emitting a buzzing noise, sir. Perhaps you have a bee in your bonnet.
Bee? Agh! Woo! Woo! Agh-agh-agghh! [Stomps on the hat and runs out. Homer returns to the van, gasping for air]
Homer, that hat's been with the station for twenty years. He had one day left 'til retirement.
[Apu is replenishing the hot dog roller, unaware the camera in the hat is filming him. He drops one on the floor, it rolls towards the hat, and we get a wretched close-up of the wiener]
AApu
Oh, it is encrusted with filth. [blows it] Oh, well, let's sell it anyway. Now this is just between me and you, smashed hat. [he winks right into the camera]
Apu, if I've learned anything, it's that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.