AApu
That [the Kwik-E-Mart] is the sight of my spiritual de-pantsing.
S5Homer and Apu
[Homer and Apu are flying over the Himalayas]
Are we in India yet?
AApu
No.
Are we in India yet?
AApu
No.
Are we in India yet?
AApu
No.
Are we in India yet?
AApu
No. Oh wait... Now we are.
AApu
He is the benevolent, enlightened president and CEO of Kwik-E-Mart – and in Ohio, Stop-O-Mart. [CEO slurps his Squishee] He is the one I must ask to get my job back.
CCEO
Approach, my sons.
[Homer and Apu approach the CEO's meditation point]
CCEO
You may ask me three questions.
AApu
That's great, because I only need one.
[interrupting] Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
CCEO
Yes.
Really?
CCEO
Yes.
You?
CCEO
Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
AApu
But – I must—
CCEO
Thank you, come again.
AApu
But—
CCEO
Thank you, come again.
[Homer and Apu leave the convenient store]
Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart? [Apu growls, reaches towards Homer] No need to apologize, Apu – it was as much my fault as it was yours. [Apu pounces and strangles Homer] Okay, Apu ... I accept your apology! [both fight, topple off the path and fall down the mountain side]
JWJames Woods
Apu, you saved my life. And as a small token of my appreciation, I got you your job back at the Kwik-E-Mart.
AApu
Oh! Oh, Mr. Woods, you're--
WWoods
But as for me, I'm off to battle aliens on a faraway planet.
That sounds like a good movie.
WWoods
Yes... yes, a... a movie, yes.
S5Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy
[Homer is buttering a muffin that he got out of an E-Z Bake Oven as he's driving]
Mmm, I don't know if that's a good idea to do while you're driving.
Marge, that's what I bought it for.
Thanks for buying us these toys, Grampa.
Grampa Simpson [dismissive]: Bah! Why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows [as Lisa becomes sad]: or a nice pipe organ? [whining]: I'm thirsty. Ooh, what smells like mustard? [The Simpsons continue driving, ignoring Grampa as he continues complaining]: There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. [Homer turns the car into the driveway as Grampa points]: Ooh! Lookit that one! [overhead shot of everyone [except Grampa] fleeing the car and running inside the house]: Oh, my glaucoma just got worse! The President is a Demmycrat! [plaintive]: Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt! Hello! [honks car horn, despite being in the backseat and allegedly not being able to unbuckle his seat belt]
MSMalibu Stacy Doll
Don't ask me. I'm just a girl! Ha ha, ha ha!
Right on, say it, sister.
It's not funny, Bart. Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act - that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal in life is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talkin' about how damned terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!
Just what I was gonna say.
[Lisa angrily throws the doll out the living room window. Cut to Grampa Simpson riding a bike down the street]
Look at me! I'm acting young!
[The doll gets caught in the spokes of the bicycle. Grampa Simpson flies off screaming past a blur of colors until he lands in an open grave at a cemetery. Two grave diggers having lunch turn around to see what the commotion is, then resume eating]
[from inside the grave] Hey, this ain't so bad.
[Lisa pressures Stacy Lovell about Malibu Stacy.]
SStacy
I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?
Change what she says. It's your company.
SStacy
Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.
[gasps] That's awful.
SStacy
Well, that and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.
[Smithers turns on his computer, its boot screen displays a computerized version of Mr. Burns]
Hello, Smithers. You're. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On.
Uh, you probably should ignore that.
S5Deep Space Homer
Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season! And remember: a shiny new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya. [Smithers whispers to him] Hmm?... What?... Oh, and by that I mean, of course, it's time for the "Worker of the Week Award".
SStillwater
People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration anymore.
BBabcock
Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.
[A chair swivels around, revealing a chimp in a suit, wearing glasses, and smoking a pipe.]
CChimp
[English accent] No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.
RReporter
Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?
I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. [thinks for a moment] Wait a minute... Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
NTNASA Technician
[counting down to launch] Three... Two... One... MAKE ROCKET GO NOW!
We're just about to get our first pictures from inside the spacecraft with "average-naut" Homer Simpson, and we'd like to...
[an ant floats past the screen]
Ahhhh!
SFSimpsons family
AHHHHHHHH!
[the picture breaks up]
Folks, we just lost the picture, but...what we've seen...speaks for itself. The spacecraft has apparently been taken over – "conquered" if you will – by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain. There is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
It begins!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.