TV show quotes
[at an NRA meeting] So last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.
Whatever did you do, Moe?
Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation but, luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine.
[Audience cheers and applauds]
Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!
[Lisa is staring at the garage roof when Homer pulls in]
Hey dad could you get my basketball down.
Sure [Draws his gun and shoots it down]
[The basketball fall to the ground and deflates]
Want me to get the cat down too?
[Knocking the gun out of the way] No thanks!
[as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Um...
Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
[points gun to himself]
Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
You said the breakfast table.
It's the same table!
Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
Oh... I guess the safety was on.
[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
I'd better just put it down.
[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.
[Shoots a beer can open] Anyone else want a beer?
Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?
I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]
I've never seen such recklessness!
You mighta hurt someone!
Are you some kinda moron?!
Yeah, but--
Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keepin' the King of England out of your face.
Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer sadly hands him the card, and he tears it up] I'll also need to remove your tattoo. [holds up a grater]
I didn't get one yet.
Rats.
We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy?
Oh, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.
Yay!
You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
Well, if you have a better way of living through my son, I'd like to hear it.
My father never believed in me. Well, I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son, and meaner to my dad.[Homer walks outside to where he forced Bart to run laps] Quit runnin' son. I just wanna give you a big hug.
It's gotta be a trick, run like the wind.
[talking to his football team] Good practice team. Ok, its time for the easiest part of any coach's job-the cut. Now, while I wasn't able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.
Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me, I promise I'll never encourage you again.
Good game, son. Come on, I'm taking you to Hooters.
Ah...but I don't wanna bother mom at work.
Excuse me, son.
Wow, you're Joe Namath!
That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.
I cannot believe you are here! Do you think you could give me a few pointers?
Sure. There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback.
Joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock.
Okay, look, I gotta run. [heading back to his car] Remember what I told you.
[returns to practicing throwing the football] Okay Bart, concentrate.
Remember what I told you... Just one thing... My car broke down... I'm Joe Namath... My car broke down... It was just vapor lock... vapor lock... vapor lock...
I'm dead.
We drove two thousand miles for this?
[offscreen] Scully, you're cut. Eh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut, so is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz and Wolf and Silverman. Goldreyer, O'Brien, Doyle, Selman. I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge, Kuwarahara. There's so many cuts here. Look, I just post 'em up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh, boy, you're cut - all of you. He's cut, I cut you.
Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
It's you.
Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.
You're already in a home.
Oh how could you?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
