“The Cartridge Family” · Season 9
In this episode: Homer Simpson (10), Marge Simpson (3), Moe Szyslak (3), Wiseguy (3), Lisa Simpson (2), Sideshow Mel (2), Bart Simpson (1), Ned Flanders (1)
You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!
Oh, I never heard of those people.
And they'll all be signing autographs!
Woo-hoo!
This match will decide once and for all which nation is the greatest on Earth: Mexico or Portugal!
I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.
Yeah, but not before me you ain't. [He storms out]
Now now, there's plenty exits for everyone!
Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [Puts Flanders into a headlock]
Hey now, that's uncalled for.
Shut your hole Skinner!
[Lenny punches Principal Skinner in the stomach, knocking him into the aisle stairway. He collides with Barney's beer tray, spilling it. Barney, enraged, runs headfirst into the increasingly large number of people fighting on the stairs, knocking and bowling them over. Meanwhile, a group of Scottish men watching the game stare bored at nothing in particular].
Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!
[The men, rolling up their sleeves, start to pound anyone who comes near them. It's not long before the entire stadium is embroiled in a violent riot, from people getting tackled to Groundskeeper Willie's soccer hooligan friends hitting people with pipes to two East Asian guys in karate robes kicking each other in the face to Nelson sitting on Milhouse and pulling his leg back as Milhouse screams and cries. The Simpsons stand next to their seats.]
Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]
[turns to face Homer, screaming] JOBBERS COBKNOTS, YA MUCKER!! [pulls out a crowbar]
All done! [runs off]
I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.
Aisle six, next to the sympathy cards.
[Going through accessories for Homer's new gun]
And this is for shooting down police helicopters.
Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet.
Just give me my gun!
Sorry, the law requires a five day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.
Five days?! But I'm mad now! Oh, I'd kill you if I had my gun...!
Yeah, well, you don't.
Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.
Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...
Yeah.
frequent problems with alcohol...
[nervously] Yeah.
...beat up President Bush!
Former President Bush.
[the clerk slaps a red rubber stamper on Homer's printout]
"Potentially dangerous"?
Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.
Woohoo!
I'm sorry, Homer, no weapons.
A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, a...an alligator.
[at an NRA meeting] So last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.
Whatever did you do, Moe?
Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation but, luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine.
[Audience cheers and applauds]
Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!
[Lisa is staring at the garage roof when Homer pulls in]
Hey dad could you get my basketball down.
Sure [Draws his gun and shoots it down]
[The basketball fall to the ground and deflates]
Want me to get the cat down too?
[Knocking the gun out of the way] No thanks!
[as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?
Um...
Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting!
[points gun to himself]
Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.
You said the breakfast table.
It's the same table!
Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on.
[attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board]
Oh... I guess the safety was on.
[He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest]
I'd better just put it down.
[sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]
No offense, Mom, but that was pretty cool.
[Shoots a beer can open] Anyone else want a beer?
Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?
I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]
I've never seen such recklessness!
You mighta hurt someone!
Are you some kinda moron?!
Yeah, but--
Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keepin' the King of England out of your face.
Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer sadly hands him the card, and he tears it up] I'll also need to remove your tattoo. [holds up a grater]
I didn't get one yet.
Rats.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
