Cletus quotes from The Simpsons

Cletus

Brandy?! Where's the bazook?![Looks at his son, holding the bazooka.] Aw, he's gonna shoot them Google Earth folks that caught me with my britches down.

Cletus

Oh for God's-! You know, one hillbilly has his way with one fat guy in Deliverance, and suddenly people think that's all hillbillies do!

Cletus

Anything new that wanders into this house ends up in the stew pot.

Cletus

Egg don't belong in a chicken's eye. It belongs in her pee-poo-birth-hole.

Homer

[Shoots a beer can open] Anyone else want a beer?

Dr. Hibbert

Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?

Homer

I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]

Agnes

I've never seen such recklessness!

You mighta hurt someone!

Cletus

Are you some kinda moron?!

Homer

Yeah, but--

Krusty

Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keepin' the King of England out of your face.

Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer sadly hands him the card, and he tears it up] I'll also need to remove your tattoo. [holds up a grater]

Homer

I didn't get one yet.

Rats.

Lisa

Stupid bus can't even go to the stupid place it's supposed to stupid go... ;[spies a flattened raccoon]: Ugh!

Cletus

I seen it first. :[scoops it into truck with shovel]: Ooh, Girly Sue's gonna have an elegant wedding feast.

Lisa

Aha. Um, listen, I'm kind of lost. Do you think you can give me a lift downtown?

Brandine

Cletus, what are you beating your gums about?

Cletus

Never you mind, Brandine. You just go back to birthin' that baby. Yeah, I'll fetch you a ride, little missy, hop on in. Mind the skunk, them things can go off even after they's dead.

Cletus

I like that clown. He's really lookin' out for me, the average Joe-Six Tooth.

Brandine

Where'd you get yourself another tooth?

Cletus

Sidewalk.

Cletus

They destroyed my home, and the equity I built up there in.

Kent

Asked if he intends to take legal action the farmer replied "I ain't fungdified hi-de-hoo about no legrification, no ways." Then scratched his rear, hitched up his pants, and scratched his rear again.

[voice only, in an abandoned locker as Cletus enters] Hey, I'm in here!

Cletus

[voice only, inside the old locker] Be Quiet Robo-Potty!

Cletus

We always figured someday Mary would marry. That's why we called her "Mary." We name all our kids after what we thinks gonna happen to 'em. Ain't that right, Stabbed In Jail?

[whittling a stick] We'll see who stabs who.

Homer

Whoo hoo! I've got a date with my daughter!

Cletus

Yeah, we've all been there. No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.

Bart

Ah, my first sucker! [chuckles]

Moleman

Oh, a dollar. Now I can have lunch! [tries to grab the bill when his glasses fell, making him see perfectly] Hmm?! It's a trick! I never needed these. [throws his glasses and walks away. Bart groans]

Cletus

Oh, lookie here, it's the old fishing line on a dollar bill prank. Man, even a backwoods, no account, inbred, lead-paint-eating, kerosene-huffing, roadkill-chomping, uh... what was my point? [walks away]

Kirk

[to Luann] That is a practical joke, Luann. Which is too bad, because I desperately need that dollar. Yeah, I could also use the fishing line to get some dinner.

Luann

Bart, if Milhouse is hiding with you, tell him he has to shop for school clothes. [Milhouse comes out from behind the bushes]

Yay!! School clothes!

Okay, listen, you stay in the car until I get back.

Agnes Skinner

I waited and waited.

Cletus

Ma'am, are you okay? 'Cause I've been staring at ya since 2:00 in the morning.

Agnes Skinner

I never saw Billy again. Abe, what if Burns knows I was there?

Grampa

I guess I'll have to ask him. Luckily, I'm wearing my gun.