The Simpsons quotes

Bart

Mr. Largo? Hmm, something's wrong. That music is in tune...

Sideshow Bob

Hello, Bart!

Bart

Aah! Sideshow Bob!!

Sideshow Bob

'Twas I who texted you... using Milhouse's phone! Did you know his wallpaper is American Girl Doll? Now let me put this in terms that a young boy would understand: [he opens a violin case and takes out a harpoon gun, then aims it at Bart while he speaks] you and I have danced a grand pas de deux worthy of Nijinsky, but this... is... the final... plié!

Bart

[unamused] Yawn. You couldn't kill me with that thing if I drew an "X" on my forehead. [he does so with blue chalk, then makes a taunting dance] Bob and a spear gun, sitting in a tree, S-U-C-K-I-N- [Bob shoots him with the gun, impaling him in the chest; he doesn't seem fazed, at first] Ha! Nice try, Bob, but I'm sure you made some... [he starts to falter] stupid... mistake...

Sideshow Bob

Not this time. [yanks the spear projectile from Bart's chest, pulling out his heart]

Bart

[in a weaker voice] Tell my father... he's... fat... [dies]

Sideshow Bob

[smiles in triumph] The deed is done. 24 years of trying to kill a ten-year-old child have finally paid off.

Sideshow Bob

And now, Bart, let's bring the old "spark" back to our special relationship! [He pulls the lever and activates the machine; in a second, Bart is born anew with no ill effects]

Bart

[gets sassy] You couldn't kill me if I came in with pneumonia and a knife in my back. [Bob pulls out a sledgehammer and kills him again with one whack on the head]

Sideshow Bob

I didn't care for the "thwock" the sledgehammer made. [tosses the hammer and returns to the Reanimator] No worries, I'll just kill him again. [activates the Reanimator again and revives Bart]

Bart

[with a confident smile] That's why I'm the Unkillable Kid. [Bob arrives and hits him with the sledgehammer again, this time in the stomach, but nothing happens] Still not dead. [Bob gets annoyed and whacks him on the head again] Psych! [Bob then gets infuriated and whacks him in a frenzy] Ay carumba! [the whacking continues until his guts spill out and he finally succumbs to his wounds]

Sideshow Bob

We're both going to be sore tomorrow! [cackles in glee and revives Bart again, starting a death montage]

Sideshow Bob

"...By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown

[with Bart relaxing next to her] Yes, what are you supposed to be again?

Sideshow Bob

[responds in annoyance] A full professor! But the tenure committee is excruciatingly slow. [He looks up at Bart and mutters with a "Why I oughtta..." and grunting before he gives off a cluck like a chicken and lays an egg that rolls in front of him. At once, he feels humiliated and embarrassed.]

Lisa

Grampa, everyone in town thinks you are foolish.

Who is more foolish---the fool, or the fool who thinks the fool a fool?

Bart

What the hell does that mean, Grampa-san?

For centuries, our family has made a daily offering of a special donut to a slumbering underwater sea creature, so that he does not rise and destroy us all. [Bart and Lisa laugh]

Bart

He is foolish!

Lisa

So foolish! [laughs and turns to Grampa Simp-san] Doesn't mean you are not special.

Okay, guys. My cellphone is somewhere in that pulsing ooze. Now each grab one ankle while I dive in!

Lisa

We have to be careful, Milhouse. There's no telling what that stu-- Bart! What are you doing?!

Bart

[with a green "beard" made from the ooze] Madam, how do you do?

Lisa

[offscreen voice] You don't know what that stuff is doing to you!

Bart

Oh, it's just the same junk Dad brings us home from work! [reveals that the ooze is radioactive waste from the nuclear plant] To us Simpsons, this green goop is mother's m-- [a bubble with the radioactive ooze blows up, throwing them out of the hole]

Kang

Once again, they just had a cameo!

Kodos

Don't be confused, or they'll put us in 4:3 (4 by 3)! [The black bars split into HDTV and transform into SDTV (4:3)] Oh, they're doing it! No!!!!!!

Kang

Just because it looks like Season 4 doesn't make it season four!

Lisa

Magic Club! Join the Magic Club! Want to cut up a banana without peeling it? Join and [in a spooky tone] I'll tell you how! It's with a needle and thread!!

I like magic. I'm going to take one of your cards. [takes one of them and performs a magic trick, making the cards multiply] Or did I take 52?

Lisa

[gasps] Do you want to join in? You could be president! Just man the booth, I need to go to the bathroom.

I'd love to join. Honestly, this is the only booth that doesn't creep me out. [looks at Ralph's Hug Club]

Hug me! Hug me! [Principal Skinner puts a "Warning, Do not hug" sign on him] Hug me!

I'm Harper. Just moved here. Trying to make friends.

Lisa

Lisa. Always been here. Trying to make friends. [they hug]

Groundskeeper Willie

Well, I've got news for all of your clubs! It's 3 p.m., so Willie's turnin' on the sprinklers!

Homer

Marge, do you know how it feels when you have a man to provide you everything you need?

Marge

I have thought a lot about that, and I have to say... no.

Marge

Are you sure you set it up right?

Bart

Yes!

Marge

Then why aren't we skyping?

Bart

I don't know, maybe Lisa's drugged-out.

Marge

My daughter is not drugged-out!

Bart

Maybe she's just sleeping late after partying at discoteques.

Marge

How do you know about all-night discoteques?

Bart

We have Disco Stu in this town, Mom. He's a resource. Use him!! [Skype tone plays]

Lisa

Mom! Dad! I've discovered the most amazing thing, I can't wait... hum... Where's Bart?

Marge

He's safe.

Homer

And more importantly: We're safe.

Marge

[sobs] I miss him so much! [combs Santa's Little Helper's fur like Bart's hair]

Lisa

Hmm... Can I call him?

Homer

You can call his guard, Tico. He picks up sometimes.

Lisa

I see... Okay... I'll do that. [leaves]

Marge

Homie, where did we go wrong?

Homer

I don't know, sweetie. I don't know. We did everything we could for him during the commercials.

[Bart hits a street light] Blam! Blam! Blam, Blam! Hey, you missed one! [stops with his skateboard]

Bart

Nope, can’t do it, my grandpa lives there.

Chief Wiggum

Stop! Stop right there! [while holding his flashlight after getting out of the car] Ah, looks like we finally put an end to this Light-mare on Elm Street. Hahaha.

Actually, it’s Maple Street, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

[turns off his flashlight] Thank you, Joke Police.

[while holding his skateboard] Please don’t arrest me! It’s a victim-less crime!

Homer

Computers? Pasty weirdos? Backslashes?? Goth Lisa?! What's going on here?

Lisa

[to Homer] In a way, we're teaching a computer to predict the future.

Homer

Young lady, what have I told you about crossing the line from science fact to science fiction?

Lisa

Relax, Dad. All we're trying to do is demo a build for the AppCrush convention.

If we can solve our backened server issues... [Homer moans]

Lisa

...And maximize our query speed... [Homer moans]

...Then we can get hands-on write-ups from DoingDoing. [Homer moans]

Lisa

And JezeBot. [Homer moans]

And our AMA subreddit will be trending [Homer moans]

Lisa

Giga-trending!!

Homer

Aah!! I hate the modern world and all its crazy words! [on the phone] Siri, tell Amazon to drone me a beer. [a drone enters from the window and gives Homer a Duff Beer can]

Sideshow Mel

I'd pay a fortune for that app! $1.99!

Lisa

Oh my god! I just got invited to my first third grade party!

Homer

Are the parents gonna be home?

Lisa

Yes.

Homer

Pft! Lame!!

Bart

Guys, I need to sharpen my mustaches. Which is better? A, [changes it to a downwards position] or B? [keeps changing it between upwards and downwards] A or B? A or B? A or B!? A or... B?