Kodos Johnson quotes from The Simpsons

Kodos

[Disguised as Bill Clinton] I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.

Kodos

[crowd cheers] My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball. But tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom. [crowd cheers]

Kodos

Shhhhh!

Lisa

Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of...Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!

[singing] To stop these monsters 1-2-3, Here's a fresh new way that's trouble free, It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...

Lisa

[singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee.

[singing] Just don't look! Just don't look! [people turn away: the monsters turn to look] Just don't look! Just don't look! [more people turn away] Just don’t look! Just don’t look! [the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing. Paul Bunyon falls on the Springfield General Hospital, his ox Babe destroys the birthplace of Jebediah Springfield, and a flying magic carpet destroys the birthplace of Norman Vincent Peale.]

Lisa

It worked! They're all dead.

Bart

Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.

Homer

Mmm...sprinkles.

Marge

Homer! Stop looking.

Lisa

Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. [they drag him away]

Homer

[groaning] Oh!

Kodos

Here comes something!

Kang

Remember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital. [the donut rolls by as Kang smiles] Oh, Shazbot.

Kent Brockman

Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!

Homer

We'll be right back.

Kodos

It’s true; we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it?! It's a two-party system; you have to vote for one of us!

Well I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate!

Kang

Go ahead, throw your vote away!

Kodos

All hail, President Kang.

Kodos

What the hell was that?!

Kang

[speaking into microphone] Calling home planet! This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!

[on Rigel VII] Sure, Kang, I'm writing that all down.

Marge

I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.

Lisa

And now he's dead.

Kang

Any-Hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!

Kodos

Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!

Marge

[not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!

Kang

[darkly] Just watch us.

Bart

Don't forget Ken Starr!

Marge

Suckers.

Homer

Come on, Maggie. Let’s go home.

Maggie

[In Kang’s voice] Very well, I’ll drive. [Maggie laughs maniacally as the screen fades to black and starting opening credits showrunner.] I need blood. [After the credits of showrunner, Halloween ending theme music is hear of end credits roll. After the credits, Regis Philbin yells]

My eyes! My beautiful eyes!

Kang

Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show.

Kodos

Are you sure the space phone is working? [Kang tried it] Hang up, they could be trying to call right now!

Kang

I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.

Kodos

Kang and Kodos Productions. Uh-huh. Yes. Just a second. Do we want to do a commercial for something called, "Old Navy?"

Kang

[shrugs] Ehh, work is work.

We're here at game six of the World Series. The highlights so far: a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay. Oh, would you look at that? The Batter just called 'time out' again. Now, let's look in the stands at the players' wives. Well, what do you know? They're talking on cellphones. No doubt complaining about the good life.

Kang

This is the most boring game in all the universe!

Kodos

And with all the steroids they take, the players look like freaks!

Freaks! Freaks!

[emerges from the left side of Kodos] Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! [Kodos bites his conjoined baby and eats it]

And next week on FOX, catch the new O.C. spin-off, Pomona. It's even hotter away from the beach. Mm-mmm.

Kang

If we don't speed up this game, the Simpsons Halloween Special won't air until Administrative Professionals' Day!

Kodos

Speaking of which, we must remember to get Dorothy something. [He holds a picture of them with Dorothy, with both making love sounds. Kang then looks at a baseball player who blows bubble gum very slowly.]

Kang

The boredom is excruciating! Fire the Accele-Ray!

Kodos

This is the best musical in light years!

Kang

Light years measure distance, not time.

Kodos

You know what I meant.

Kang

Once again, they just had a cameo!

Kodos

Don't be confused, or they'll put us in 4:3 (4 by 3)! [The black bars split into HDTV and transform into SDTV (4:3)] Oh, they're doing it! No!!!!!!

Kang

Just because it looks like Season 4 doesn't make it season four!