The Simpsons quotes

Ned

He's a hero all right, a hero sandwich full of bologna!

Chief Wiggum

A TV star criticizing his writers, what has this world come to? Another bully for your collection boys.

Homer

But we have learned our lesson, so I hereby promise.

Homer

No, no, honey. I love everything your force me to do. And sometimes if you do all that, you get a very special night.

Bart

And what does that get you?

Homer

Hopefully not a you.

Lisa

Bart, some of your biggest heroes are dancers. Krusty was on Dancing with the Stars until a panel of experts determined he wasn't a star.

Ned

And done. Proud of you boys.

Homer

[flips the fence to the brown side] Thanks for painting my fence stupid Flanders!

Ned

Homer Simpson reorder that border. We've been painting since sun-up.

Homer

Half the fence is mine.

Ned

Fine. Let the good lord decide.

Homer

[spins the fence] D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! Woo-hoo! D'oh! [the fence comes to a stop at the painted side] Woo-hoo!

Oh my God, Morty! What did you do?! You killed the Simpsons, Morty!

Oh my God! No! No, ahh..-I-I-I didn't mean to! There's so much Si-Simpsons!

Oh, goo— oh God, look at the baby one! Oh my God, Morty! You killed the entire Simpsons, Morty! They're a beloved fahhh-mily, Morty! They're-they're-they're-they're a national treasure and you killed them!

Ahh... I'm just a kid! I'm just a kid, I don't wanna go to jail!

Relax, Morty, calm down, we'll take care of it. [scoops goo into vial] Okay, I want you to take that vial of Simpsons goo [shoots portal] and this picture to this address. They'll make us new Simpsons. You understand me, Morty?

Me?! Wh-wh-what are you gonna do?!

Morty, I gotta clean this place up before somebody comes snooping around. You know many characters there are in The Simpsons, Morty? There's like a billion cha-ahracters. Th-they did an episode were George Bush was their neighbor.

Alright, can't argue with that.

Poor guy, living at the plant.

Carl

And yet, he's still late!

Selma

Hello, Homer. Marge is getting ready for a date!

Homer

[sad] Marge? On a date?

Selma

Yep! But I'll make you a deal: I'll try to save your marriage if you can guess which one I am.

Homer

Patty?

Selma

Wrong!! [hangs up on Homer, who starts crying]

Lisa

And those are some nice upgrades.

Bart

Expensive upgrades!

Lisa

Upgrades like that costs gems, and gems cost cash.

Bart

Expensive cash!

Lisa

Where did you get the cash, Nelson?

I don't use gems! I'm a grinder. A grinder!

Homer

Then they called me "Stinkson"! That's not even my name!

Lisa

What happened? Our family's been ostracized for lots of things, but never our hygiene. [silence] Rarely our hygiene. [silence] Never my hygiene!

Patty

I'm about to say something I never thought I'd say to you... Something nice.

Homer

Mmhh?!

Patty

I only mock you because I'm jealous of what Marge has on you. I only have Selma, and now I don't even have that.

Homer

Oh, Patty, I waited so long for you to open a window of niceness.

Patty

No, that was it, window shut.

Marge

Eh, what's the penalty for... driving a tractor drunk through a... renaissance fair?

Patty

Can't help you! I might be having a stroke! I have to consult a competent medical professional! [types on a medicine website "Have I had a stroke?"] Hmm... Got that, got that... m-Hmm... Who doesn't have that? [groans] Is anyone here to get an ambulance license?

Comic Book Guy

That'll be mine!

Patty

Here you go! [gives him a license]

Comic Book Guy

I lied! [runs away]

Bart

Now, put your good clothes on.

Marge

I'm already in a dress and pearls, and I'm 8 years old.

Homer

I don't want to be rude, but you losers should go suck somewhere else.

Lisa

Why are you locking up the house?

Homer

[scared] Wha...? [heavily breathing] Why does anything happen? Why are blue jeans blue? Who invented haircuts? [laughs] It's all just stuff I'm saying!