Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of...Monster-itis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!
PAPaul Anka
[singing] To stop these monsters 1-2-3, Here's a fresh new way that's trouble free, It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...
[singing] Guarantee void in Tennessee.
PAPaul Anka and Lisa
[singing] Just don't look! Just don't look! [people turn away: the monsters turn to look] Just don't look! Just don't look! [more people turn away] Just don’t look! Just don’t look! [the monsters try to destroy things faster, but start collapsing. Paul Bunyon falls on the Springfield General Hospital, his ox Babe destroys the birthplace of Jebediah Springfield, and a flying magic carpet destroys the birthplace of Norman Vincent Peale.]
It worked! They're all dead.
Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.
[everyone turns and gasps and Lard Lad tempts Homer with the giant donut]
Don't make us poke your eyes out, Dad. [they drag him away]
[Lard Lad collapses, he falls, his donut rolls away. Kodos and Kang, meanwhile, are trying to hitch a ride in the middle of the desert with a sign saying "Earth Capital"]
KangRemember the story: we're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital. [the donut rolls by as Kang smiles] Oh, Shazbot.
Even as I speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town! Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!
GSGeorge Stephanopoulos
[to Kodos, who has taken on the form of Bill Clinton] Uh, Mr. President, sir, people are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.
Kang
[Disguised as Bob Dole] We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it.
[After Kang and Kodos have been exposed]
It’s true; we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it?! It's a two-party system; you have to vote for one of us!
[The crowd mutters in consternation as they realize he's right]
VVoter
Well I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate!
Kang
Go ahead, throw your vote away!
[Kang and Kodos laugh out loud. Ross Perot smashes his "Perot 96" hat. The next day, Kodos announces the result.]
All hail, President Kang.
[The French neutron bomb nearly hits Kang and Kodos' ship]
Kang
[speaking into microphone] Calling home planet! This is Ensign Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!
SRSuperior Rigellian
[on Rigel VII] Sure, Kang, I'm writing that all down.
[he and his superior laugh amongst themselves]
[On the Jerry Springer Show, after Kang brings out flowers for Marge and kisses her hand. Homer begins wailing on him]
You one-eyed, two-timing [bleep, bleep]! I'm going to [bleep]!
Kang
Oh yeah?! Well, [bleep] hyperbolic paraboloid [bleep] your mama!
I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.
Kang
Any-Hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!
Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!
[not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!
Kang
[darkly] Just watch us.
[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]
Come on, Maggie. Let’s go home.
[In Kang’s voice] Very well, I’ll drive. [Maggie laughs maniacally as the screen fades to black and starting opening credits showrunner.] I need blood. [After the credits of showrunner, Halloween ending theme music is hear of end credits roll. After the credits, Regis Philbin yells]
RPRegis Philbin
My eyes! My beautiful eyes!
[As the organ music plays in Gracie Films logo, the same as "Treehouse of Horror II" and 20th Century Fox Television logos appears at the end of the episode]
[After the final story is over, but this episode isn't. The scene cuts to the bridge of Kang and Kodos's spaceship]
Kang
Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show.
Are you sure the space phone is working? [Kang tried it] Hang up, they could be trying to call right now!
Kang
I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.
[The phone rings. Kodos answers]
Kang and Kodos Productions. Uh-huh. Yes. Just a second. Do we want to do a commercial for something called, "Old Navy?"
Kang
[shrugs] Ehh, work is work.
AAnnouncer
We're here at game six of the World Series. The highlights so far: a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay. Oh, would you look at that? The Batter just called 'time out' again. Now, let's look in the stands at the players' wives. Well, what do you know? They're talking on cellphones. No doubt complaining about the good life.
Kang
This is the most boring game in all the universe!
And with all the steroids they take, the players look like freaks!
MKMini Kodos
[emerges from the left side of Kodos] Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! [Kodos bites his conjoined baby and eats it]
AAnnouncer
And next week on FOX, catch the new O.C. spin-off, Pomona. It's even hotter away from the beach. Mm-mmm.
Kang
If we don't speed up this game, the Simpsons Halloween Special won't air until Administrative Professionals' Day!
Speaking of which, we must remember to get Dorothy something. [He holds a picture of them with Dorothy, with both making love sounds. Kang then looks at a baseball player who blows bubble gum very slowly.]
Kang
The boredom is excruciating! Fire the Accele-Ray!
Kang
Once again, they just had a cameo!
Don't be confused, or they'll put us in 4:3 (4 by 3)! [The black bars split into HDTV and transform into SDTV (4:3)] Oh, they're doing it! No!!!!!!
Kang
Just because it looks like Season 4 doesn't make it season four!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
