The Simpsons quotes

Lisa

NOOOO!! No, no, no, nooooo!!!

Bart

What happened? Did jazz die?

Lisa

[enters Homer and Marge's bedroom] Look at me!! [the camera turns around, revealing her face with acne]

Marge

Acne!? But she's only eight!

Lisa

[worried] Somehow I'm becoming the Squeaky-Voiced Teen! [with a squeaky voice] Do you want fries with that? [back to her normal voice] What am I saying!?

Bart

I, too, was visited by the Ghost of Puberty Present. I've got a starter 'stache! Next, I'm a loser, then I'm a creep, then I'm a perv! I've got to buy a van.

Lisa

[cries] This isn't fair, I'm not ready for my awkward years. This is my happy childhood, for crying out loud!!

Marge

[thinking] Oh, my God, I'm popular! Hope this doesn't go to my head. It went right to my head!! Aaaah!!

Talk to me.

Homer Simpson

Yes. I need a milk refund!

Right. Um, address please? Wait, hold on. [grabs a knife and carves at a thief's forehead] "742 Nevergreen"…oh, Evergreen Terrace. Sorry, our system's a little slow!

Jay

[to Apu] That's exactly what I'm talking to you about. You're my uncle and I love you, but you're a stereotype, man. Take a penny, leave a penny. I'm Indian, I do yoga. Why don't you go back to the Temple of Doom, Dr. Jones!

This stereotype will no longer be a troublesome potato in your spicy vindaloo!

Jay

I was kind of a douchewheel.

Even your way of apologizing offends me.

Lisa

Bart, wait! I like the new you. Listen, before you flip those circuit breakers, look deep in your sister's eyes and tell me what you see.

Bart

I see love.

Lisa

Unconditional love.

Bart

Which means I can do whatever I want!

Lisa

D'oh!

Mayor Quimby

Springfield has more handicapped parking spots for fat guys than any other non-Chicago city.

[reads a Playdude magazine] Before I die, I would like to know just what is in these nudie magazines.

What is it, brother?

An interview with... Jim Gaffigan.

Quick & Fresh? Who spells "quick" with a "Q"?

Marge

Oh, Apu, it's good to see you doing so well. I know you can't turn your head, but you've got a great view. Oh! Are you okay?

Homer

Marge, he's got nine lives.

I am a Hindu, sir, not a cat. I have infinite lives during some of which I may be a cat. In those I do have nine.

Hey, Professor, I didn't know you worked here at the plant!

Professor Frink

I consult! Sometimes they listen, sometimes not. People have died... [whispering] You didn't hear that from me!

So, who are you here with?

Professor Frink

Well, no one as yet. But I haven't turned on the old Frink charm! [to a woman] Hello there. vo-ivy. [she ignores him and enters the reactor core room, making Frank sad] Well, there's, uh... no mistaking that message.

Marge

Oh, this tile is lose! I'll have to call a handy man.

Homer

Eh... Why did you say it like that, with the pause between the words? Are you saying I'm not handy?!

Marge

That's how you say it. Handy man.

Homer

It's handyman!

Marge

That's what I said! handy [pause] man.

Homer

[angrily] Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy! Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me...

Marge

A handy [pause] man. [Homer exclaims angrily]

Bart

Face it, Homeboy, you ain't handy! Unless we need a big fat paperweight.

Homer

I'll paperweight you!! [sits on Bart]

Marge

Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.

Homer

I know how to replace a tile! All guys do! We talk about it all the time. Grout?

Marge

There's no stopping what I've started here. Here's your tile! [puts the tile on Homer's plate] Have fun! Handy [pause] man! [leaves]

Disco Stu

[discovers a floor of Moe's Tavern] Ugh. This is place is dirtier than a tunnel!

Homer

Wow, an indoor water park! Hopefully, this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers.

Marge

Well, as a mother, I...

Homer

We all know you're a mother.

Marge

As a mother, I like that wherever I look, I can see a lifeguard.