[to Cletus] You are the most wonderful husband - and son - I ever had.
S17The Italian Bob
[Upon hearing that Sideshow Bob has a wife and son] Holy moly! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.
Well, I experimented in college, as one does.
Yeah, I never went to college.
[sarcastic] Stop the presses.
[looking in an Italian-to-English dictionary] vendetta means... vendetta!
[All the Simpsons scream]
S17Simpsons Christmas Stories
HAHomer as Joseph
A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!
CLCaligatus Lou
Gee, chief, I feel pretty bad trying to take out a baby.
CWCenturion Wiggum
Ah, don't worry, boys. No one will ever speak or write of this again.
[we then see Matthew, with a scroll entitled "The Gospel According to Matthew"]
MMatthew
[begins writing] What a boffo beginning for my book!
[After the Russians shoot down his brother, Cyrus] You'll pay for that, you haiku-spouting savages!
S17Homer's Paternity Coot
[puzzled] What the Hello Kitty? [notices the sign] Tire spikes? [sees the shortcut being blocked] Oh, they blocked my shortcut! I'm trapped like the "L" in "BLT"!
S17We're on the Road to D'ohwhere
I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.
[upclose] I don't want Milhouse.
Sounds like my parents' custody hearing.
This camp's got it all. Climbing some kind of rope thing. Wearing a backpack. High-fiving the black kid. [angrily to Bart] It's the perfect thing to straighten you out.
[Bart groans]
Got it. [Bart groans 3 times] Now I have a ring tone for my brand-new cell phone. No wires at all. Except this one.
[the scene switches to Lenny, Carl and Moe outside of Moe's Tavern]
Hey, check it out. I made it partially risqué. [he and Carl hi five]
[approaching with his car, where Bart is sitting on a back seat] Hey, guys, I have to put the boy on a plane to soul-crushing camp. Then I'll be back to go to Vegas.
Dad, if you take me to Vegas, I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.
Boy, you don't need to cheat when you got a system.
What's your system?
[whispers to Bart] I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.
PPilot
[over intercom] Welcome to Atlanta folks, please remain seated until the aircraft has come to a complete stop.
[looking up at the fasten seat belt sign] Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do!
[He takes off his seatbelt and an alarm sounds]
PPilot
Thanks a lot 33C! Now we have to fly all the way back to Minneapolis. And I'm very tired!
[The rest of the passengers groan in disgust as the plane does a U-turn and takes off again]
Well, Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp. Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.
[angrily grabs Bart by his shirt] Oh, yeah? You're going to that camp 'cause I'm going to drive you there.
Yeah, that will be way more fun than Vegas.
D'OHHHHHHHHH!
[zooms out of the Springfield International Airport and zooms in to Moe's Tavern]
Oh, dang, Homer ain't coming.
[offscreen] Haw, haw!
And Nelson saw something funny!
Stupid Bart, makes me drive to Oregon, home of unspoiled forests, birthplace of Matt Groening.
Dad, neither of us wanna go, why are you doing this? Where's the old carefree Homer who likes to cut loose?
You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up till you're at your snooty torture camp.
Fight back, Fun Homer! Together we can win!
It's no use!
[Zooms to inside Homer's head]
FHFun Homer
[locked in two energy cage rings like in Superman II] Aw come on, Serious Homer, let me out! We'll get a monkey drunk and push him down the stairs!
SHSerious Homer
[whacks Fun Homer with his rifle] I'll kill you, the way I killed Intellectual Homer!
[Zooms to dead Intellectual Homer, with "ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny" written in his blood]
[Homer briefly stops at the Mount Rushmore, just shrugs his shoulders, says "Eh" and drives on]
Come on, Dad, we've got a long way to go, you can't stay mad at me the whole time!
Boy, if you were half as smart as you think you are, you'd clean up your act!
Well, maybe pulling pranks is the only thing I'm good at.
Well, at least you have something you're good at. I'm 38 years old, driving a crappy car, with a son who doesn't respect me, and I'm one Snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes! Mmmm... Snickers pie... [salivating]
[Homer is trapped in the car, dangling over a cliff edge. Bart appears behind him]
Boy, push down on the bumper! Then I can back the car up and save myself!
[suspicious] If I save you, what are you going to do to me?
[calmly] Shower you with love, because this experience has taught me just how precious you are! [Bart pushes down on the bumper, at which point Homer goes berserk] I'll kill you, I'll kill your whole family!
[Bart releases the bumper]
[calmly] Kidding! I'm kidding! We can do that, we have a special friendship!
[Bart pushes down]
[angry] I'm gonna double-kill you! Then I'm gonna bury you in a shallow grave! Then I'm gonna dig you up and kill you again: that's the beauty of a shallow grave!
[Bart releases the bumper]
[calm] Oh you sweet little angel! I'm gonna...
[Bart pushes down]
[angry]...rip your head off and spit down...
[Bart releases the bumper]
[calm]...your adorable little neck because I...
[Bart pushes down]
[angry]...wanna smash your stupid little head!
[Bart releases the bumper]
[calm] Oh but I love you! We'll go on a fishing trip...
[Bart pushes down]
[angry] But first I'm gonna put you in a sawmill! Then push your little face down, that's what I'm gonna do!
Homer, I hope you get this: I'm in jail and I need $10,000 bail. Hurry!
Uhh, Marge, me and Bart got in a fight with this really uncool pit boss, and now we're in Nevada State Prison. Also, I don't know where Bart is. If you see him say, "Hey"!
Well, Maggie, I always knew that someday it would boil down to just you and me; I'll look for work in the morning.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.