The Simpsons quotes

Bart

[addressing Willie] That job has been taken by the lower guy on the totem pole.

[Having the tractor on top of the school] How did I get up here?!

Kearney

[in a hot-air balloon] To Istanbul!

Wrong Way, Dingus!

Homer

I'm stuck and I have to pee [short break] Now I'm just stuck.

I had to start up from the bottom to get my fortune back. And to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe's.

[retelling the story of his tragic romance with Edna] I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called 'Up Yours, Moe.'

Barney, how do you keep getting back in?

Barney

I'm a drunk, I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.

The Rich Texan

I'm gonna win me a Nuclear Plant.

Dream on Bitch!

Homer

Hey Moe. [Angrily turns red] Thanks to you I've been sober all week!

Homer

[very upset that he lost the race after the duck came to life] A living duck? I wished too hard and it became real!

Rod

Daddy, what are we gonna do today?

Ned Flanders

Well, we're gonna do what every kid your age likes to do: look at bread.

Marge

Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.

Homer

{Sarcastically] Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.

Marge

I didn't say that.

Homer

[still sarcastic] I know what you think... when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.

Marge

[concerned] I could never think something that horrible!

Homer

[still sarcastic] And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you!

Marge

Sorry I asked. [leaves]

Lisa

Dad, you can't keep this up for long.

Homer

[still sarcastic] Oh, you're so right, I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt! And maybe I'm talking like this, because I can't stop! HELP ME LISA! I HAVE SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS!

[in response to Lisa's revelation of Mr. Teeny being Toot-Toot's son] But Krusty said Mr. Teeny was born in Funny Town.

Lisa

Nelson, Funny Town doesn't exist.

Nooo! I was gonna live at Cuckoo Corners!

Homer

All right, pal. I've made a diagram of all the places on Marge you're not allowed to touch. [shows diagram] Especially the hair!

Oh, not to worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man myself. Bit different...bit weird...not sexual.

Homer

You take forever to say nothing.

Where is she? Where is that soul sucking she-beast I call sweetums?

Charles, I'm leaving you.

Patty

You snooze, you lose!

[astounded] You're leaving me for him!?

Homer

So it would seem, but Cousin It there was born a woman!

Patty

What brought us together is how much we hate you!

Homer

Yeah!? Well I'm gonna vote 'No' on Proposition 72 so you can't adopt! [Patty twists Homer's arm] Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote! The polling station's up a hill and I never make it!