See with your eyes, not with your hands!
FCFidel Castro
Please! We are all amigos here!
Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba!
[Mr. Burns reluctantly hands over the money]
Now give it back.
FCFidel Castro
Give what back?
S9The Trouble with Trillions
[Homer, Smithers, and Mr. Burns are on a raft back to America after their disastrous encounter with Fidel Castro]
If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.
God bless America!
FCFidel Castro
Our country is completely bankrupt. We have no choice but to abandon communism.
AAides
AWWW!
CCastro
I know, but we knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn't fly. [picks up a phone]. I'm gonna call Washington and tell them, they've won.
MAMale aide
But Sir, the Americans tried to kill you.
CCastro
Eh, they're not so bad. They named a street for me in San Francisco. [aide whispers something into his ear] It's full of whahh?
S9Girly Edition
SCStore Clerk
May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?
Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.
SCStore Clerk
Sir, helper monkeys are only for the physically challenged or enfeebled.
Enfeebled? Ooooh, I know just the guy. Be right back.
[Homer walks out of the Animal Assistants Store with Mojo the Helper Monkey and Grampa Simpson]
Oh, son, this monkey's gonna change my life.
Mind if I take him for a ride?
Sure, I'll just stand here.
[Homer and Mojo get in the car and drive away]
Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.
Lisa, Channel Six is launching a children's news program, and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor child.
[Gasps] Oh my god! Today's top story, little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true.
Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor.
I know, I already jumped to that conclusion.
Alright, if you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunch room monitor?
Me?
[beat] Take your sash and go.
[Bart has aired a segment of "Bart's People" featuring the man that fed the ducks, but they left to the other side of the pond]
[sniffling] Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
There's no maybe about it, sir.
[sniffling] Excellent.
They want sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake!
I'll show Lisa who's dumb.
[He picks up newspaper]
Supreme Court reverses...uuuhh, I won't turn to the comics, I won't turn to the comics! All right, I'll read one comic just to get me rolling. Archie. "Hey, Jughead, did you hear, the Supreme Court reversed"...ooohh!
Hmm, thank you Bart, for yet another touching "Bart's People". Now,turning to...
I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.
That's what Veteran's Day is for, Bart.
But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?
Eh, heh, heh...they also have Memorial Day.
Oh, Lisa, maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong! The important thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them!
[through clenched teeth] They have two!
Well, maybe they should have three. I'm Bart Simpson.
S9Trash of the Titans
Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
[Homer chases the garbage truck holding his garbage bin, only to give up angrily]
You guys are the lousiest garbage men ever! YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU!! YOU TRASH-EATIN' STINKBAGS!! [the garbage truck screeches to a halt] Uh-oh...
[the garbage men's truck reverses back to Homer]
GMGarbage Man 1
What did you call us?!
[intimidated] I dunno... a lot of people yelling stuff.
GMGarbage Man 1
Yeah, you called us "trash-eatin' stinkbags!"
GMGarbage Man 2
Didn't ya learn anything from Love Day?!
[pokes him] That was yesterday, moron.
Good morning, trash pile. How's my—hey... [trash pile is completely gone] Woo-hoo! I won!
[later in the kitchen]
This is a very, very proud day for us, especially me. Your father, ME, beat city hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won.
LSLisa's Brain
I know. I heard it too. Here's some music. ["Für Elise" plays and Lisa blisses away. Homer turns to Marge]
And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge. Well, this man does not crawl, he stands tall! That rhymes Marge, and you know it rhymes, admit it.
Aw Homer, you did not beat city hall! They picked up our trash because I sent a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name – PERIOD.
Yo... You signed my name?! I feel so violated!
You have signed my name lots of times.
But this isn't like a loan, application or a will! You signed away my dignity! And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on?
Yes.
Perfect.
I wanna register the booth for sanitation commissioner! And tell the fat cats upstairs, "Things are gonna change in this town!"
OK, but this is where you register as a sex offender.
[Moe enters]
MMoe
Aw geez, there's always a line...
[Ray Patterson bursts through the door, panting as he reaches his podium next to Homer]
PPatterson
Sorry I'm late, everyone. [accusingly to Homer]: Somebody tampered with my brakes. [everyone gasps]
Well, then you should've been early. [the whole crowd laughs uproariously]
Hey, he got you there, Ray.
PPatterson
Oh, come on, people. This man has promised round-the-clock trash pickup, that's impossible.
Not if we hire more men, and my men'll do all your messy jobs. They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables.
[the entire crowd applauds enthusiastically. Patterson is dumbfounded]
PPatterson
I can't believe what I'm hearing!
Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops.
PPatterson
"Pops"? I'm only two years older than you!
Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?
PPatterson
What button?! What the hell are you talking about?!
[mocking] "What? What? What? What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.