Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?
I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
“Trash of the Titans” · Season 9
In this episode: Homer Simpson (9), Lisa Simpson (3), Marge Simpson (2), Moe Szyslak (2), Bart Simpson (1), Mr. Burns (1), Chief Wiggum (1), Lenny Leonard (1)
[Homer chases the garbage truck holding his garbage bin, only to give up angrily]
You guys are the lousiest garbage men ever! YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU!! YOU TRASH-EATIN' STINKBAGS!! [the garbage truck screeches to a halt] Uh-oh...
[the garbage men's truck reverses back to Homer]
GMGarbage Man 1
What did you call us?!
[intimidated] I dunno... a lot of people yelling stuff.
GMGarbage Man 1
Yeah, you called us "trash-eatin' stinkbags!"
GMGarbage Man 2
Didn't ya learn anything from Love Day?!
[pokes him] That was yesterday, moron.
Good morning, trash pile. How's my—hey... [trash pile is completely gone] Woo-hoo! I won!
[later in the kitchen]
This is a very, very proud day for us, especially me. Your father, ME, beat city hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won.
LSLisa's Brain
I know. I heard it too. Here's some music. ["Für Elise" plays and Lisa blisses away. Homer turns to Marge]
And to think you wanted me to crawl, Marge. Well, this man does not crawl, he stands tall! That rhymes Marge, and you know it rhymes, admit it.
Aw Homer, you did not beat city hall! They picked up our trash because I sent a letter of apology to the sanitation commissioner and signed your name – PERIOD.
Yo... You signed my name?! I feel so violated!
You have signed my name lots of times.
But this isn't like a loan, application or a will! You signed away my dignity! And I'm going to get it back. Lisa, do I have my pants on?
Yes.
Perfect.
I wanna register the booth for sanitation commissioner! And tell the fat cats upstairs, "Things are gonna change in this town!"
OK, but this is where you register as a sex offender.
[Moe enters]
MMoe
Aw geez, there's always a line...
[Ray Patterson bursts through the door, panting as he reaches his podium next to Homer]
PPatterson
Sorry I'm late, everyone. [accusingly to Homer]: Somebody tampered with my brakes. [everyone gasps]
Well, then you should've been early. [the whole crowd laughs uproariously]
Hey, he got you there, Ray.
PPatterson
Oh, come on, people. This man has promised round-the-clock trash pickup, that's impossible.
Not if we hire more men, and my men'll do all your messy jobs. They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables.
[the entire crowd applauds enthusiastically. Patterson is dumbfounded]
PPatterson
I can't believe what I'm hearing!
Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops.
PPatterson
"Pops"? I'm only two years older than you!
Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?
PPatterson
What button?! What the hell are you talking about?!
[mocking] "What? What? What? What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?"
[on Homer running for sanitation commissioner] I don't know Ray Patterson, but he's no Ray Patterson.
Yeah, Homer's a great nuclear safety inspector, but I don't know if I'd trust him with my garbage.
MMoe
You're gonna need to come up with a slogan that'll appeal to all the lazy slobs out there.
Aww, can't someone else do it?
MMoe
"Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.
Really?
[campaigning] Aren't you tired of having to peel that last snotty Kleenex from the bottom of your wastebasket?
MIMan in crowd with enormous nose
I'll say!
Okay, before I show you, who wants to guess how I got the money?
Dealing drugs?
Drugs?
I'll have to say drugs too.
Close, but you're way off.
[the family arrive at the Outskirts to see garbage trucks from different states dumping their garbage in a mine beneath Springfield]
Look at that beautiful garbage. Other cities don't want it, so they pay me to dump it in this old abandoned mine.
That's awful! I almost wish it was drugs.
Some of it is.
[Bart points to a New York garbage truck dumping a large amount of syringes, firearms and grenades]
[Homer calmly enters his office with a briefcase, where he is greeted by a bunch of angry sanitation workers]
Morning, boys.
G1Garbageman #1
Where's our paychecks, you bum? [the head garbageman comes at Homer's desk with a baseball bat]
HGHead Garbageman
My men ain't workin' another minute until we get paid.
[Homer unhinges briefcase to reveal stacks of money]
Will cash be okay?
HGHead Garbageman
Will it?
[Mayor Quimby barges into Homer's office]
Did I just hear a briefcase opening?
AAdam
Look guys, I got a Springfield spoon for my spoon collection.
EThe Edge
Oh, here we go...
BBono
How many spoons have you got now, Adam?
AAdam
Nine. If I didn't have my spoons, I'd go insane.
BBono
Can I see it? [... tossed it behind]
AAdam
My spoon! [the spoon lands on Mr. Burns' head]
Ow! [mutters behind Bono and The Edge] Wankers.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.