There, the perfect sheepshank!
DSDrill Sergeant
Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship! [a large vessel drifts away, out to sea, and off a waterfall]
Oh-hoh..!
S9Simpson Tide
Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
No, I think she's hot! Sorry, it just slipped out.
Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of gypsy extraction.
Well, uh, I'm a gypsy.
Oh, really? Prove it.
Uh, I want to suck your blood!
Nuh-uh, that's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered. Carry on.
MWMan with Eye Patch
Lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I forgot to take the little parasol out.
That's not a war story, I'll tell you a war story. I was on PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret.
KKennedy
Ich bin ein Berliner.
He's a Nazi! Get him!
What on Earth possessed you to getting an earring?
Milhouse has one.
If Milhouse jumped off a cliff--
Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!
Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring boy.
Come on, dad didn't you do anything wild when you were a kid?
Well, when I was 10 I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!
Fine, take it.
TCaptain Tenille
I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?
Is a poop deck really what I think it is?
TCaptain Tenille
[chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.
What's a jib?
TCaptain Tenille
[laughs] Promote that man.
TCaptain Tenille
Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?
[straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peas.
TCaptain Tenille
Oh, we all want peace, but it's always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what's the best way to get peace?
[reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.
TCaptain Tenille
Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
And you're like the father I never visit.
Mayday, mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!
You mean water?
Yeah, that's it.
AAbe
My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is not a porn star!
Well, sir, treason season started early this year as (a black and white picture of Homer dressed as a Russian, doing a Cossack dance, and holding a bottle of vodka with St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow behind him appears next to Kent as he continues reading): a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man, Homer Simpson.
Marge (distressed): Oh my God!
Lisa (resigned): I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.
S9The Trouble with Trillions
[Scrambling to complete his taxes]
Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh... nine!
Homer, you know we don't have--
Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts![hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch]Here you go, keep using nuclear power.
Homer, I painted that for you.
Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.
Cool!
I put the tax forms on the top of your "to do" pile a month ago.
I have a "to do" pile?! [looks at the mountain of papers next to him on the end table, which wasn't there before]
[Pointing to a display case] Oh, you'll find this amusing: the suit Chaplin was buried in.
JAgent Johnson
We believe Burns still has the bill hidden somewhere in his house, but all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.