Singles life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.
The one down the hall.
Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?
I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Oh. Yeah.
S8A Milhouse Divided
You're letting me go?
CCCracker Co. Foreman
Kirk, crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without.
So that's it, after twenty years, "So long, good luck?"
CCCracker Co. Foreman
I don't recall saying, "Good luck."
[Homer is taking a bath until Bart comes in and hits him with a chair]
[screams] Ow! Ow Duh-ow! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Jeez, sorry. It's a pretty standard stunt, Homer.
S8Lisa's Date with Density
AApu
Thank you. Come again.
[Just as Homer is about to enter his car and drive home, he then hears the police radio from nearby. Chief Wiggum and his partners have just stopped a telemarking scam committed by a criminal named Jimmy the Scumbag, who is arrested for the crime as a result.]
CWChief Wiggum
It looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. [turns to Jimmy] Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.
[Jimmy just shrugs and mutters. Wiggum pushes him into the back of his police car while Lou throws away an auto-dialer that was used by Jimmy during the scam. Homer watches the scene from nearby.]
[points at the auto-dialer] Hey, what's this thing?
WWiggum
Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. [glances at Jimmy, then turns back to Homer] This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But, instead, he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. [slams his fist on the windshield, startling Jimmy. ominously] And the only way out is suicide.
[He makes a slashing neck gesture.]
Telemarketing, eh?
[At Springfield Elementary School, Principal Skinner and his staff are investigating the disappearance of the Honda logo on Superintendent Chalmers' Honda Accord. Nelson and his gang of bullies start laughing, which Skinner doesn't take kindly to.]
Oh, you think this stolen "H" is a laugh riot, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendent Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. [The entire class laughs at this. He can't help but chuckle himself as he finds it a little funny, too.] I guess it is a little funny.
DLMr. Dewey Largo
Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?
No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.
She was looking at Nelson!
CClass
[sing-song] Lisa likes Nelson!
She does not!
CClass
[sing-song] Milhouse likes Lisa!
JJaney
He does not!
CClass
[sing-song] Janey likes Milhouse!
UUter
She does not!
CClass
[sing-song] Uter likes Milhouse!
Nobody likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!
Well, most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters.
What?
When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
Mom...?
He's a whole new person, Lisa.
Oh, I know.
[clucks and flaps his arms; to Nelson] Chicken!
[answer on the phone] Howdily-doodely.
[recording] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look as--
[hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.
Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.
[Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again]
Howdily-di--
[recording] Greetings, friends.
[hangs up again] Dang!
I told you to unplug the phone.
But it could be my mother! [the phone rings again; answers it] Howdy--
[recording] Greetings, friends.
[hangs up again] Shoot!
That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn!
[shouts through the window] WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP?! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!
SSkinner
Who's out there? Give me your names, so I can tell the police.
[off-screen] Seymour! What's going on? What's that odor?
SSkinner
Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb bums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not...
[Skinner is stunned at Nelson and his friends mooning at him]
SSkinner
Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only making me angrier!
[off-screen] I wanna see what's going on!
SSkinner
No, Mother! Don't look out the window!
[Agnes screams and Skinner sighs]
[answers on the phone] Howd--
[recording] Greetings, friends.
[off-screen] Ned, did you plug that phone back in?
[shouts again] SHUT UP!!! [slams the window]
S8Hurricane Neddy
[Thirty years previously, young Ned and his beatnik parents are in Dr. Foster's office. Ned is wreaking havoc]
FDr. Foster
Well, I'm afraid young Ned is usually aggressive, but I can't seem to find a cause for it. [notices young Ned climbing the bookshelf] Hey! Hey! Get down from that bookshelf, please! Most of those books haven't been discredited yet! [to Ned's parents] Would you please tell your son to stop?
NSNed's Dad
We can't do it, man. That's discipline. That's like tellin' Gene Krupa not to go [starts banging on the desk, imitating playing drums] boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom bam bam bam, boom boom boom bam ba ba ba ba, da boo boo tss!
FDr. Foster
Mmm... Lack of discipline. I'm beginning to see the problem.
NSNed's Dad
We don't believe in rules, like, we gave them up when we started livin' like freaky beatniks.
FDr. Foster
You don't believe in rules, yet you want to control Ned's anger.
NSNed's Mom
Yeah. You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas.
FDr. Foster
Hmm... There is an experimental therapy that might help Ned contain his anger.
[addressing Dr. Foster in the mirror] Aw, that's it, you just can't insult this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there, grinning moronly.
[to mirror] Hi, neighbor!
You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be human.
Why would you say that?
Because humans are obnoxious sometimes. Humans hate things.
Well maybe a few of them do, back east.
S8El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer
What's that smell? Onions? Chili powder? Cumin? Juicy ground chuck?! It's chili!! Oh my God, I'm missing the chili cook-off! [whining, fidgeting] I'm missing the cook-off! It's going on right now, and I'm missing it!
[annoyed] All right! I was trying to keep it from you, but I had a good reason. Every time you go to that cook-off, you get as drunk as a poet on payday. Don't you remember what happened last year?
[Flashback to the previous year, in which a naked Homer frolics inside a cotton candy machine, a bottle of Duff in each hand]
Look at me... I'm a puffy pink cloud!
[He climbs out of the machine, scaring several kids, then lies down on the ground, where dogs lick at him. Back to the present]
Well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. Now where are my chili boots? [finds them in the closet] A-ha!
Okay, we'll go to the chili cook-off, but I want you to promise that you won't have any beer.
[pulling his chili boots on] Okay, quit nagging me, I won't have any beer! Sheesh, why don't you have a cigarette or something?
Mm, I suppose I could.
[Outside the lighthouse, Homer sees a sign saying that it is operated by Earl. Deciding that Earl is his soulmate, he rushes inside]
Here I come, buddy! No more loneliness for Homer and Earl!
[But when he enters the main room, he discovers that Earl is the "Electronic Automatic Robotic Lighthouse"]
A machine?! Earl's a machine?! [sarcastic] Oh, that's just perfect! Homer's desperate search for a soulmate has yielded a lighthouse-keeping robot. Oh, wow.
[His silhouette is projected by the lighthouse. Bart and Lisa see it as they brush their teeth]
Hey, look! Is that Dad?
Either that, or Batman's really let himself go...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.