George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.
S7Radioactive Man
Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend. Someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.
You're right, Lis, I can suck up to him. Like the religious people suck up to God.
[Chief Wiggum has given Milhouse's scent to a pack of vicious-looking police dogs. They bolt off, barking and snarling aggressively]
Ok, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs never fail.
[exchanges a worried glance with Luanne] But... will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Well, they'll... when they find him, they'll um... they'll humm...um...um...um...[murmuring so quietly he can barely be heard] ...bust him...
[frowns] Uh, excuse me, you didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
[rubs back of neck] Yeah. Yeah, I did kinda trail off there, didn't I? [laughs nervously]
RWRainer Wolfcastle
[as he's hit by a wave of sulfuric acid] My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
S7Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily
[Homer and Marge enjoy a day at the spa, lounging in a sauna]
This is soooo relaxing. Homie, this is a wonderful idea.
Hehehe, yeah. If that Mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.
MGMafia Guy
[off-camera] Aw don't mind-a me. Look, I do it first.
[The sound of a towel dropping to the floor is heard. Homer and Marge stare uncomfortably]
[dressed up for school pictures] I feel like punching myself!
SWSocial Welfare Guy
[to Bart, Lisa and Maggie] Now just relax, kids. All were doing is taking you to... [ominously] a foster home!
[Bart and Lisa have been taken by Social Welfare and are taken to the Flanders' house.]
We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!
Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!
Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...
HSHomer's brain
I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. I wear the same stupid sweater everyday at--
The Springfield River!
Wow, Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
[blissfully] Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Wait! Homer, what did you just say?
[nastily] I SAID, "SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE, FLANDERS!!"
Oh, fair enough.
[greeting Bart and Lisa] Hi-dilly ho, neglect-a-renos!
S7Bart Sells His Soul
I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...
[scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...
[nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...
[clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
[A raven outside crows menacingly.]
Bart did it! That Bart, right there!
[angry] Milhouse!
Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.
[Bart and Milhouse start cleaning the organ pipes as Reverend Lovejoy leaves]
You shank! How could you tell on me?!
Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.
"Soul"?! Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? [see Lovejoy using the coin counter with collection money]
I don't hear scrubbing!
Well, if your soul's real, where is it? [Milhouse puts his hand on his chest]
It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!
Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?
Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.
[groans] How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul. I don't have a soul. There's no such thing as a soul!
Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me?
[pause] How much ya got?
Five bucks.
..Deal.
[watching "Itchy & Scratchy"] I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.
Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."
I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
MMoe
The deep fryer's here! I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.
Forty seconds?! But I want it now!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.