TV show quotes
Hmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug.
Mom, I need to tell you something. I kind of --
[interrupts] Let me guess. A mother can always tell. [hugs him a bit] Hmm. It's not fear of nuclear war. [hugs him more] It's not swim-test anxiety. It almost feels like you're missing something...something important.
[eager] Like I don't have a soul?
[chuckles] Aw, honey, you're not a monster.
I would like to say grace. [saying grace, while knowingly poking fun at Bart] Lord, have mercy on my soul... and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul. And let every soul in Christendom-
[Bart furiously throws a meatball at Lisa]
Bart!
I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out]
Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls!
Silence, you fool. It can be ours.
[eats Bart's spaghetti, mouthful] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life... boy.!
[Pieces of Uncle Moe's family feedbag are being taken away]
Get rid of it all.
Hey Moe, you could've at least kept the fire extinguishers.
Nah, too many bad memories.
A caller at this hour? You dial nine-one, then when I say so, dial one again.
I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs: ALF pogs! Remember ALF? He's back... in pog form!
You traded my soul for pogs?! [runs out screaming] Noooooooo!
Close that door, you're letting the heat out!
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
[his soul floats down from above] [he grabs it and hugs it, and sees Lisa standing there] Lisa? You bought this?
With the change in my piggy bank.
There's no change in your piggy bank.
Not in any of the ones you know about.
Oh, Lis, thank you. [kisses her on the cheek]
Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul -- that you have to earn one [Bart eats the piece of paper] through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night.
Uh huh. [swallows]
[the family is having lamb chops for dinner and Lisa has discovered she can't eat them]
What's the difference between this lamb and the one that kissed me?
This one spent two hours in the broiler.
I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
[conga beat while Lisa folds her arms] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/
[doing the conga] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/
[joins her husband and son] You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad/You don't win friends with salad...
Mom!
I don't mean to take sides. I just got caught up in the rhythm.
[Homer and Bart are chasing the runaway pig for the barbecue. It rolls through some bushes]
It's just a little dirty, it's still good, it's still good!
[the pig passes through traffic, hits a guardrail and falls into a canal with toxic waste drums in it]
It's just a little slimy, it's still good, it's still good!
[the pig gets caught in the dam spillway. Water floods behind it until the built-up pressure shoots it through the spillway and rocketing into the distance]
It's just a little airborne, it's still good, it's still good!
It's gone.
I know.
[in Mr. Burns' office]
You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage... when pigs fly!
[they both laugh. A moment later the pig sails past the window]
Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?
No, I'd still prefer not.
[Lisa is using the riding lawnmower to push the barbecue pig out of the yard.]
Bart, no!
[standing next to her] What?
Sorry, force of habit. Lisa, no!
Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
[sighs] Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Bart, tell Dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?
Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Homer, you're not-not talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Uh, Dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Bart, go to your room!
Why don't you just eat him, Dad?
[turns red in anger and gets frustrated] I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbecue-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!
[enraged] THAT'S IT! I CAN'T LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH THIS PREHISTORIC CARNIVORE. I AM OUT OF HERE!
[Lisa furiously leaves the house and angrily slams the door]
THAT'S IT! GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[later in Storytown Village]
"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."
"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."[distorted due to technical problems]
"Somebody's been sleeping in my bed."
[gets up] Well, I'm sorry, but it was 150 degrees in the car!
[at Skinner's office]
Uh-oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
I WARNED YA!! Didn't I warn ya!? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!!
[During "The Meat Council Presents: Meat and You: Partners in Freedom", Number 3F03 in the "Resistance is Useless" series.]
Mr. McClure, I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
[laughing] No, Jimmy, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain. Just ask this scientitian.
Uhhh...
He'll tell you that in nature one creature invariably eats another to survive. Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!
Wow, Mr. McClure, I was a Grade A Moron to ever question eating meat.
Ha Ha Ha Ha... Yes you were, Jimmy. Yes you were. [playfully rubs Jimmy's head]
You're hurting me...
[Lisa is about to dissect a worm in class]
[in a bleating, lamb-like voice] Lisa! What did I ever do to you?
Why does it talk like a lamb?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
