“Bart Sells His Soul” quotes from The Simpsons

Reverend Lovejoy

I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...

[scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Bart

[nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

[clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

Bart did it! That Bart, right there!

Bart

[angry] Milhouse!

Reverend Lovejoy

Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

Bart

You shank! How could you tell on me?!

Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever.

Bart

"Soul"?! Come on, Milhouse, there's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain? [see Lovejoy using the coin counter with collection money]

Reverend Lovejoy

I don't hear scrubbing!

Bart

Well, if your soul's real, where is it? [Milhouse puts his hand on his chest]

It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!

Bart

Uh-huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean?

Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels, in case you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery.

Bart

[groans] How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen, you don't have a soul. I don't have a soul. There's no such thing as a soul!

Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me?

Bart

[pause] How much ya got?

Five bucks.

Bart

..Deal.

Bart

[watching "Itchy & Scratchy"] I know that's funny, but I'm just not laughing.

Lisa

Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."

Bart

I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

The deep fryer's here! I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.

Homer

Forty seconds?! But I want it now!

Marge

Hmm. Bart, what's wrong? There's something a little off about your hug.

Bart

Mom, I need to tell you something. I kind of --

Marge

[interrupts] Let me guess. A mother can always tell. [hugs him a bit] Hmm. It's not fear of nuclear war. [hugs him more] It's not swim-test anxiety. It almost feels like you're missing something...something important.

Bart

[eager] Like I don't have a soul?

Marge

[chuckles] Aw, honey, you're not a monster.

Lisa

I would like to say grace. [saying grace, while knowingly poking fun at Bart] Lord, have mercy on my soul... and Mom's soul, and Dad's soul, and Maggie's soul. And let every soul in Christendom-

Marge

Bart!

Bart

I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out]

Homer

Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls!

Silence, you fool. It can be ours.

Homer

[eats Bart's spaghetti, mouthful] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life... boy.!

Get rid of it all.

Barney

Hey Moe, you could've at least kept the fire extinguishers.

Nah, too many bad memories.

A caller at this hour? You dial nine-one, then when I say so, dial one again.

I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs: ALF pogs! Remember ALF? He's back... in pog form!

Bart

You traded my soul for pogs?! [runs out screaming] Noooooooo!

Close that door, you're letting the heat out!

Kirk Van Houten

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Bart

[his soul floats down from above] [he grabs it and hugs it, and sees Lisa standing there] Lisa? You bought this?

Lisa

With the change in my piggy bank.

Bart

There's no change in your piggy bank.

Lisa

Not in any of the ones you know about.

Bart

Oh, Lis, thank you. [kisses her on the cheek]

Lisa

Happy to do it. But you know, Bart, some philosophers believe that nobody is born with a soul -- that you have to earn one [Bart eats the piece of paper] through suffering and thought and prayer, like you did last night.

Bart

Uh huh. [swallows]