TV show quotes
But why?
Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king. That's why I did it- to save you from yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.
Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest!
What...? Oh, right, all that stuff I did.
[Tuesday. The Simpsons are driving up a long mountain road to Mr. Burns' summer house]
Well, it was a long trip, but we're almost there.
Homer, did you remember to lock the front door of the house?
D'oh!
[Wednesday]
Well, it's been two long trips, but were finally almost there again.
When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
D'oh, d'oh!
[Thursday. The family is indifferent about the trip and they aren't saying anything]
[gasps] Oh, no! We left Grandpa back at the gas station! [no reaction] What about Grandpa?
Homer... Homer? [sees a typewriter a single page in it] What he's typed will be a window into his madness. [reads] "Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.
[Lightning flashes, showing "No Beer and No TV Make Homer Go Crazy" written all over the walls and ceiling.]
Hmm.. this is less encouraging...
HELLO!
[screams]
[lights on] Well what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I'm thinking along the lines of "No Beer and No TV Make Homer... something something".
Go crazy?
DON'T MIND IF I DO! [makes an assortment of weird noises, then starts chasing Marge]
[Marge runs to break glass behind her and grabs bat inside]
Stay away from me, Homer!
Gimme the bat, Marge! Gimme the bat. Gimme the bat. C'mon. Gimme the bat! Gimme the ba-ba-baooululuulu. Heh-heh-heh. Scaredy-cat. LERRRR~!! [makes a scary face, looks at himself in the mirror, and scares himself as he screams and falls down the stairs, knocking himself out]
[Homer chops through a door with an axe.]
Hereee's JOHNNY! [notices the room is empty] D'oh!
[Homer chops through a different door.]
Daaaavid LETTERMAN! [sees Grandpa, who finally found his way to the house after being left at the gas station earlier in the story]
Hi David, I'm Grandpa.
D'oh!
[Homer chops through a different door with a ticking clock in hand.]
I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!
[screams]
You know, Marge, I've had my share of troubles, but sitting here now with you and the kids in our cozy home in this beautiful free country... It just makes me feel that I'm really a lucky guy.
DAD!!! YOUR HAND IS JAMMED IN THE TOASTER!!!!
[When Homer realizes this everyone screams as Homer attempts to whack the toaster out of his hand]
OH GOD, GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF!! GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[as the toaster falls off Homer's hand, he gasps for relief and slumps down on the floor]
DAD, IT'S IN THERE AGAIN!! [Homer frantically attempts to whack the toaster off him again]
AHHH, NO!!! AHH!!! IT'S STUCK ON MY HAND!!! [screaming incoherently]
[after Homer time-travels back in time with the repaired toaster]
Look at that! I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!
[Mr. Peabody and Sherman appears beside Homer]
Correction, Homer, you're the second.
That's right, Mr. Peabody!
Quiet, you.
[Homer sees his timeline is now in a fancier home.]
D'oh! I mean, hey!
Good morning, father dear. Hope you're well.
Are we taking the new Lexus to Aunt Patty and Selma's funeral today?
Hmmm. Fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan? Woohoo! I hit the jackpot! Marge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?
Donut? What's a donut?
AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAHHHH!!!
[just as Homer leaves in the time machine, it starts raining donuts outside]
[gasps] It's raining again.
[returning to the past with a baseball bat]
"Don't touch anything"?! I'll touch whatever I feel like! [Homer begins smashing everything in sight]
You're still not in your own world, Homer. I can get ya home, but you have to do exactly as I-- (jab) AAARRRGGGHHH!!! [collapses with an ax in his back; Maggie removes her pacifier]
[In James Earl Jones's voice] This is, indeed, a disturbing universe.
Good morning dear!
What's my name?! What color is the sky?! What of donuts?! What?!? For the love of God tell me!
Homer! The sky is blue! Donuts are plentiful! Friday is TGIF night on ABC! What's gotten into you?
Nothing. Nothing at all. Let's just eat.
[as they sit down to eat, they begin using their lizard-like tongues]
Eh, close enough.
Hold on, kids! I'm coming to rescue the lot of you! I'll— [screams] Ugch, I'm bad at this.
[Homer has just awaken and is in heaven as he stuffs his face with food. Moe knocks on the pantry door.]
[through the door] Homer? It's Moe. Uh look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
Can't murder now, eating.
Oh, for crying out loud... [enters with a group of horror characters] Come on.
[Homer screams as Moe's gang of ghouls consisting of a mummy, werewolf, vampire, Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees and Pinhead carry him out against his will.]
[Lisa trips in the snow while being chased by an axe-wielding Homer, spots a handheld TV]
Dad, look! (holds handheld TV up)
Television! Teacher, mother, [suggestive emphasis] secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading... RISING! Fading, fading... gone.
[Family sighs in relief]
Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.
[Time progresses and everyone is encased by ice]
Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!
Homer... change channel!
Can't, frozen!
["One" from "A Chorus Line" plays; the Simpsons scream helplessly in the ice]
Urge to kill...rising...
[Bart walks past the kitchen table with Snowball II stuck to his back.]
Have you noticed any change in Bart?
New glasses?
No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Probably misses his old glasses.
I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
That's not what I meant.
It was, Marge, admit it.
Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.
I--
Took the money? Yes, we know.
He confessed!
O-kay!
[Bart runs to and jumps out the window]
Stop him! He's headed for the window!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
