“Bart's Girlfriend” · Season 6
In this episode: Bart Simpson (9), Jessica (3), Homer Simpson (2), Helen Lovejoy (2), Marge Simpson (1), Lisa Simpson (1), Moe Szyslak (1), Groundskeeper Willie (1)
[Bart walks past the kitchen table with Snowball II stuck to his back.]
Have you noticed any change in Bart?
New glasses?
No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Probably misses his old glasses.
I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
That's not what I meant.
It was, Marge, admit it.
Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.
I--
Took the money? Yes, we know.
He confessed!
O-kay!
[Bart runs to and jumps out the window]
Stop him! He's headed for the window!
[Bart is having dinner with the Lovejoys]
So Bart, how's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's.
Well, in my family grades aren't that important. It's what you learn that counts.
Six times five, what is it?
Um, actually numbers don't have much use in my future career-- Olympic Gold Medal Rocket Sled Champ.
Hmm. I didn't know the rocket sled was an Olympic event.
Well, no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.
[The Lovejoys gasp, appalled]
Young man, explain yourself!
Sorry. I have kind of a short fuse... which some find charming. Speaking of charming, watching Fox last night I heard a rather amusing story-- this character named Martin was feeling rather... randy, and he was heard to remark-
[Scene cuts to Reverend Lovejoy throwing Bart out of the house by the ear]
Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word 'butt'!
[struggling to explain] But-but-but-but-but-but-but-
[in hallway, covering her ears] Make him stop! Make him stop!
[Reverend Lovejoy slams the door]
You're bad, Bart Simpson.
[protesting] No, I'm not, I'm really-
Yes, you are. You're bad, and I like it.
I'm bad to the bone, honey.
[about Jessica] Smart, beautiful and a liar!
[Jessica has pulled the fire alarm at the school. Everyone is fleeing. Groundskeeper Willie runs in the opposite direction]
If I don't save the wee turtles, who will?!
[He kicks down the door to a room labeled 'Science Lab' and enters. Seconds later he emerges with a dozen small turtles biting him all over]
Aaagh! Save me from the wee turtles!
[The Simpsons approach the church for Sunday service. From inside, a high angelic soprano voice can be heard accompanying the organ. Bart is transfixed]
Jessica...
Bart, be strong! You don't need that little hellcat!
Oh Lis, she's already drawing me to her with her beautiful siren song...
[Bart dashes ahead of the family and enters the church only to discover the angelic soprano voice belongs to Ned Flanders, who's singing from a hymnal at the altar]
[shudders] Oooh, that's very disturbing...
[to Jessica] You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.
[to Lisa about Jessica Lovejoy] She's like a Milk Dud, Lis. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.
[to Jessica]: Jessica, you're really beautiful but you are not very nice.
[scoffs] Duh.
[to Bart] I'm the sweet, perfect minister's daughter and you're just yellow trash.
I just wanted to let you know that even though this was a difficult experience, I really learned a lot. I'm a little wiser and a little less naive.
Well, I learned that I can make men do whatever I want.
Well, don't you see, Jessica, then you really haven't learned-
Would you finish scrubbing these steps for me?
Will I?!
[happily grabs brush and starts scrubbing church steps]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
