TV show quotes
[Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Marge enters (in reused footage from earlier episode]
How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?
It's a new episode.
Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.
[switches to new footage] Really?
Ren & Stimpy do it all the time.
Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren & Stimpy?
Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.
(Marge tries to talk to Homer about their love life, but Homer is half-asleep)
Marge, it's 3:00 a.m. and I've been working all day.
It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool!
(cut to reused footage from season four's New Kid on the Block of Homer digging a half-eaten hot dog out of a kiddie pool)
There you are. Thought you could get away! (eats it)
Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought. Fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.
[Ordering at a restaurant]
I'll have a brain burger with extra pus, please.
Bart!
Eyeball stew.
Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior.
I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here.
[relieved] Oh, I see. [looks at the menu] Alright...hmm... I'll have the baby guts.
Psh. Lady, you disgust me. [walks away]
Mom, that's veal.
Oh...
Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.
[Marge overhears two women nearby]
I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother.
[Marge groans, embarrassed]
Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
[Marge groans again]
[in the Itchy and Scratchy Land jail]
Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die.
[German accent] Ok, throw her in the hole.
[Guards go to grab Marge]
Oh, please, it was just a figure of speech!
I have nothing to say to you.
But Marge, I was a political prisoner!
How were you a political prisoner?
I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?
[Hans Moleman is inside a phone booth at the bird sanctuary with birds attacking him.]
[Into phone] Hello, I need the largest seed bell you have. [Pause] No, that's too big...
Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land, open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!
You see, Birch, I'm presently incarcerated.
[...]
Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! "Attempted murder." Now, honestly, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry"? Do they? [someone throws a toilet that nearly hits Bob] Oh, really now, this is a personal call!
And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants.
[murmur]
WHAT'S IN IT FOR US!?!
Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail!
Well, what do you people like?
Sleep.
Sexy dames and plenty of 'em!
MATLOCK!!
[...]
Well, I suppose I could name it the... "Matlock Expressway"!
Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight like this. We're gonna have to sink to the lowest common denominator.
I can do that.
I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwigiger, and no-one in my family's gonna stand for it. [foghorn sound]
[on Matlock Ex. with Jasper] Move your goldarn house, son!
[Bart and Lisa have just tricked Sideshow Bob into revealing that he stole the election]
There. Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?
We want the truth!
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
