TV show quotes
Well, if it isn't my favorite gal in my favorite room!
I'm glad you had a good day.
You don't sound glad.
I'm not glad.
But you said you were glad!
You need to read between the lines.
Why? There's just white space there.
[crying] I'm sorry, Homie. Your life is full of fun surprises. My life sucks!
[sobs and grabs a box of tissues]
[thinking] Uh-oh. Tissues. [Marge lays down on the bed] W... would it help if I rubbed your back? Huh? Eh? Uh...
Your hands smell like steering wheel.
Poor Marge. What do I do? Help me, universe! [the doorbell rings and Homer opens the door] Jay Leno?!
Hiya! I was just passing in my 1973 Citroen DS Pallas when I saw that classic Morgan with the original wood dash interior. Man, I... I'd like to buy it!
You'll have to pay cash with no questions asked.
How much you want?
I said no questions!
[at the evidence locker] Let's see... Present for Ralph, present for Ralph... Ooh, what do we have here? [grabs a crossbow] Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds. And somehow it'd be my fault.
[Chief Wiggum leaves the evidence locker whistling and encounters with Lou]
Uh... You heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence.
Uh.. Proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.
Uh, yeah? Well, what does that mean? Skiddily bop and bah!
[he runs outside the door, enters on a car and drives away]
Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before...
[they see the cake deformed as Ralph's face]
Too late!
Oh my treehouse sucks.
Haw-Haw! You have class envy!
Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw".
Give me a dollar and I'll stop.
I don't got a dollar!
Haw-Haw!
Do you want to practice your speech on me?
[chuckles] No need, honey! Same speech I give every year. The opening joke about Lenny's grandma always kills.
You can't joke about her. They just put her on life support.
What?! No! She's the linchpin!
It's okay, it's okay. Everyone is terrified of public speaking. But just in case, I'll defrost a failure ham.
You don't have faith in me! I have savers! If I get heckled, I'll say, "Get a half-life!".
[Marge stares at him]
I'm sure that'll be funny to them.
Ooh. Throwing away your "No Girls" sign? Is it time for you to have "the talk" with your dad? Because he's gonna have to read a few things first.
No! I'm tearing it down. Ralph has a cool treehouse, and mine sucks.
Well, Bart, your father built it, and he did the very best he could.
[a flashback shows Homer building the treehouse on a sapling]
I did my job. Now it's your turn, tree! Get growing!
I'll tell you what, why don't I spruce it up for you? Huh?
But you're an inside grown-up. Moms can't build treehouses.
You realize that saying that is gonna make this mom work her keister off to make you the best darn treehouse you ever saw!
Sounds good!
[during Gracie Films/20th Century Fox logos] Waiting on the pants. Oh Bart, not culottes! No!
Quitting time!
Quitting time!
Thank God it's Friday.
Thursday.
Same thing. See you Monday!
[on a phone call with Marge] Marge, baby, I'm out the door.
Are you sure? Because sometimes people say they're out the door when they really haven't left yet.
Those people are horrible, horrible liars. See you soon! [hangs up the phone]
Simpson! Not so fast. Hold up one end of this poster! [Homer and Smithers hold a "Safety first, last and always" poster] Now use it to conceal this. [they close a leak with the poster] Excellent. Now, let me just crank up the plumb bob to determine the vertical marvel, we'll have this poster level in under three hours!
[dressed as a seahorse] Mom! Mom! My costume for the science play is all wrong!
You said you were a seahorse!
A male seahorse, with a pouch!
Males have pouches?
Male seahorses' nurturing is one of the wonders of the world. You said you read the script!
Bart gave me a synopsis, I... [realizes that Bart made up the synopsis] Oh boy.
[Maggie spills her carrots and peas on Marge]
Mom, I'll clean that up for you.
Oh, thank God, some help.
Where's the mop?
In the mop closet.
Where's the bucket?
Under the mop! [Bart opens a closet] Other closet! [he opens the second closet and some things fall from it]
There's stuff in front of it. [Marge groans] Let me help! [grabs a box and two bottles fall from it and start crossing the floor] Ay caramba! Hey, there's wood underneath this linoleum.
Oh! Just go play outside.
Outside? Your loss.
Hey, Martin.
Bartholomew! This playground has safely stimulated my imagination.
What the hell are you talking about?
Martin! [chuckles] Who's your new friend?
[whispering] Mother, don't blow this for me!
Fine, I'll just go sit and talk to his mother. Where is she?
I'm here by myself. But I have a safety number! [calls a number on his phone]
Moe's Tavern. Homer ain't here, and for once, that's the truth. [Martha calls the police]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
