Hey, that looks like Princess Di! (pulls up to get a better look, not noticing that Homer has hit the ground): Oh, wait. That's just a pile of rags.
S4Duffless
[At an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.]
OOtto
My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to.
My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old.
My name is Homer and I'm just here because the court made me come.
Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
[Homer immediately screams and jumps through a window.]
[singing as he pours his six pack of Duff down the sink] When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to Queen. When I was 17.
S4Last Exit to Springfield
[Mr. Burns and Smithers watch Homer tear up the union contract on a hidden camera]
Who is that firebrand, Smithers?
That's Homer Simpson, sir.
Simpson, eh? New man?
Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
...Eh, doesn't ring a bell.
Cool! She'll be a freak.
Bart!
We can stick her in a trailer, drive her around the South and charge two bits a gander.
We don't have to be adversaries, Homer! We both want a fair union contract!
[internally] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours!
Wait a minute... is he coming onto me?
I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
My God, he is coming onto me!
After all... negotiations make strange bedfellows! [chuckles, clicks his tongue and winks]
[screams]
[gets up] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered – maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!
Do you really think you can get our dental plan back?
Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me...
Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish.
Done and done!
[Mr. Burns has called in an elderly strikebreaking team led by Grampa Simpson.]
We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. [other strikebreakers mutter in agreement] One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville: I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have any white onions, because o' the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
S4So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show
You're going down, Homer. I'm gonna fool you!
You talk better than you fool.
I'll fool you up real nice.
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
TATV Announcer
The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Mmm… beer.
[While the thermostat is set to very high levels, Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]
April F- [an explosion of beer blows out the windows and roof of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud, Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]
That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Forget it! That's two blocks away.
[squints] Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
[gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
[into radio as Wiggum runs towards the cloud] We need pretzels! Repeat, pretzels!
Mrs. Simpson, I'm afraid your husband is dead. [Simpson family gasps except for Marge, Bart and Lisa, laughs] April Fools. He's very much alive, although I'm afraid he may never walk again.
MMoe
I, uh, brought you a little present. [gives Homer a can of beer]
No. No! Beer bring pain!
I can't stand to see him like that this. [Shoves a pillow in Homer's face. He than lifts up a water fountain, throws it at a window, jumps out and runs away]
MMoe
He really needs a girlfriend.
Oh Marge. What if I wind up as some vegetable watching TV on the couch. My important work will never be completed.
Poor Homer. This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.
[gargles] Rrraaahhh…
Ah! Kill it! Kill it!
Grampa, please, he's in a coma.
Coma? Pffft. Why, I go in and out of comas all the- [falls asleep, pauses, wakes up] French toast, please.
Is a coma painful?
Oh, heck no. You relive long lost summers, kiss girl from high school. It's like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.
[bursts thru the ward] This man is costing my health plan $5000 a day! I demand that Joe die with dignity. [he plugs the plug]
Now, look, I'm the doctor here.
Well, I demand a second opinion.
[pops in] Hi, everybody!
AAll
Hi, Dr. Nick! [Nick pokes Homer's abdomen with a reflex hammer]
[squeaks] Mrrh.
Oh dear, I see no signs of life. Just to be safe, we better pull the plug.
Yoink!
Dad, it's all my fault. I shook up that can of beer. It was just an April Fools joke.
[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger.]
[angrily turns red] Why, you little--!! [grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.