A character in The Simpsons
Played by Nancy Cartwright
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
In 18 of the 3,477 quotes from The Simpsons
Most scenes with: Jimbo Jones (9), Dolph (8), Bart Simpson (5)
[Bart skateboards down to the movie theater]
Hey, hot dog.
What? [crashes into a lamp post]
Nice dismount, man. [he and his friends laugh]
Didn't hurt.
KearneyOh, yeah? Well, do it again!
Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.
[to bullies in his normal self] Gentlemen, the nerd you knew is dead. Beat me, and you will be beating one of your own.
KearneyWhatever! [they beat Bart anyway]
The gin in your martini
The clams on your linguine
Yes, we put the (BOING!!) in Springfield
We remember our first visit
The service was exquisite
Why Joseph, I had no idea!
Come on now, you were working here
Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!
To shut it down now would be twisted
We just heard this place existeeeeed!
Hey, Van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.
Aren't you gonna say, "Ha-ha"?
Oh, by no means. [sits down]: My dad left my mom after she got hooked on cough drops. By the end [voice breaks], her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.
Oh, so I guess I'm not alone.
KearneyAh, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid [slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney], but he got over it.
I sleep in a drawer.
[Kearney applies for the nanny position]
KearneyI'm here for the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get outta line...[pounds his fist into his hand]: Pow!
I like him!
Kearney[to Homer] Thanks. Hey, where do ya keep the liquor?
I hide a bottle of Schnapps in the baby's crib.
[to Kearney] I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for!
Kearney[walks away, muttering] Tellin' me, ya blue-haired witch.
I heard that!
Man, that horse don't take no guff from nobody.
Guff?!
I mean shi-- [both punch Nelson]
[Marge and Lisa leave the theater after the end of Tango De La Muerte]
Oh, Mom, I want to be a dancer!
That's wonderful, dear. We should ask your father, though. [looks around] Where is he, anyway?
[cut to Homer, whose eyes have crusted over from not taking his eye drops after laser surgery, in the car with the three bullies, Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney. Kearney is driving while Dolph and Jimbo are in the back seat]
Kearney[doing a strained, poor impersonation of Marge] Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniel's and a carton of smokes.
Yes, dear.
[Dolph and Jimbo snicker from the back seat and exchange a high-five]
I was wondering if you bullies would be interested in some bodyguard work?
Heh, that's funny. We were just talking about going into the protection business.
KearneyWe're offering a lunch-and-recess package that's very affordable.
Hey Simpson, I hear your sister dumped Christianity.
Who cares?
I'll tell you someone who cares. He's got long hair, works as a carpenter, has a lot of crazy ideas about love and brotherhood.
His name's Gunner and he's dating my mom. Sometimes, he buys us beer.
I thought Kearney was dating your mom.
KearneyHey, she came on to me.
Get him! (The bullies -- and Bart -- pummel Kearney)
[Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney stand outside the Simpsons' house and sing My Sharona]
[singing] Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona. Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run. Got it comin' off of the line, Sharona. Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
[A trophy is thrown through the window at the bullies.]
[offscreen] That song is a pop music footnote. [pause] I didn't say stop.
[singing] M-m-m-my Sharona!
Kearney[in a hot-air balloon] To Istanbul!
Wrong Way, Dingus!
[While watching outdoor silent movie Ned Flanders chose.]
KearneyThis movie isn't silent, I can hear it sucking!
And all the snacks we bought are "heart-smart".
[referring to snack] What the hell is a radish anyway? It's like an apple did it with an onion.
Hmmm, Men, the room for me.
Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second grade babies.
Why would I want to?
Because I said "I dare you." Kearney, can you read it back?
Kearney[Reading] "Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to dump that bees' nest on those second-grade babies.
Why would I want to?
Because I said 'I dare you.' Kearney, can you read it back?
Kearney[Reading] Nice prank, Simpson. I dare you to--"
The point is, Simpson, a dare has been placed on your nards.
My nards accept.
Why does someone become a bully?
Neglect.
Abuse.
KearneyI'm a Cubs fan.
Well, you're gay for homophobia!
KearneyWow, you just made me gay for tolerance.
Homer SimpsonDan Castellaneta · 1,595 quotes
Bart SimpsonNancy Cartwright · 792 quotes
Marge SimpsonJulie Kavner · 677 quotes
Lisa SimpsonYeardley Smith · 585 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
