Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what it's like in there?
Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?
Chief WiggumNo.
Chief Wiggum
No.
Chief Wiggum
Yes. I no. I mean, no. No.
[Frink draws a strange diagram on the wall]
Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, n'gee, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [lights off] the third di-mension.
[switches the light on] Sorry.
[draws a square on the chalkboard] Here is an ordinary square.
Chief Wiggum
Whoa, whoa! Slow down, egghead.
But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our universe... along the hypothetical "Z" axis there.
This forms a three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a "Frinkahedron," in honor of its discoverer, n-gl'hey, n'hey.
[in echo voice] Help me! Are you helping me? Or are you going on and on?
Oh, right. And, of course, within we find the doomed individual.
Chief Wiggum
Enough of your borax, Poindexter! A man's life is at stake. We need action!
[Wiggum takes out his gun and fires into the wall]
Chief Wiggum
Take that, you lousy dimension!
Chief Wiggum
Alright, Bob, it's over. Come out with your hands up.
Noooo! How did they find me?
[The Duff blimp's variable message sign alerts the police to Sideshow Bob's hideout]
[Sideshow Bob deflates the blimp and kidnaps Bart]
[constricted] He's getting away!
[The citizens of Springfield are watching slides that show Maison Derriere's clients]
[Slide of Dr. Hibbert]
[Slide of Chief Wiggum]
[Slide of Skinner]
[Slide of Patty]
[Slide of Cletus]
[Slide of Barney, to which nobody reacts]
[Slide of Chief Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum
Hey, come on, you did me twice.
[Slide of Smithers]
My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.
[Slide of Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash]
Uh, well, that could be any mayor.
Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.
[Just as Homer is about to enter his car and drive home, he then hears the police radio from nearby. Chief Wiggum and his partners have just stopped a telemarking scam committed by a criminal named Jimmy the Scumbag, who is arrested for the crime as a result.]
CWChief Wiggum
It looks like we put the kibosh on another two-bit telephone swindle, boys. [turns to Jimmy] Frankly, I would have expected better from Jimmy the Scumbag.
[Jimmy just shrugs and mutters. Wiggum pushes him into the back of his police car while Lou throws away an auto-dialer that was used by Jimmy during the scam. Homer watches the scene from nearby.]
[points at the auto-dialer] Hey, what's this thing?
WWiggum
Huh? Oh, that's an auto-dialer. [glances at Jimmy, then turns back to Homer] This bird was using it to pull a telemarketing scam. But, instead, he's gonna rot in the slammer for the next 20 years. Bread and water, icy showers, guards whomping your ass around the clock. [slams his fist on the windshield, startling Jimmy. ominously] And the only way out is suicide.
[He makes a slashing neck gesture.]
Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum.
[Ralph wanders on-stage with a re-labelled Malibu Stacey dollhouse]
[chuckles indulgently] It's pretty good, sir.
Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant! Not Anne Bueller's bordello! Thank you, get out. Next!
[long pause]
Chief Wiggum
Uh, Ralphie? Get off the stage, sweetheart!
[Martin walks on-stage with his impressive power plant model]
Behold! The power plant of the future...today!
Ugh! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart?
But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now!
[Martin turns a knob on the model and dims the lights]
You lose, get off my property!
Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're straining to do some explaining.
Chief Wiggum
Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?
It could be anything, it could be a mutant from the nuclear plant.
Oh, fiddle faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
You mean the revolver, sir?
Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.
Chief Wiggum
Word around here is your game is crooked.
Chief Wiggum
Well, perhaps we can come to an "understanding". [holds out his hand]
Not now, son. Daddy's talking to the policeman.
Chief Wiggum
Let me put it to you this way. I'm looking for my friend, Bill. Have you seen any Bills around here?
Chief Wiggum
Okay, let's try this again and watch as I wink each time. The man I'm really looking for, wink, is Mr Bribe. Wink, wink.
[pause] ...It's a ring toss game.
Chief Wiggum
All right, That's it, I'm shutting this place down.
Our game, our home... What happened here?
...
Why didn't you bribe 'em?
I tried, but the opportunity never came up.
[Ray Patterson bursts through the door, panting as he reaches his podium next to Homer]
PPatterson
Sorry I'm late, everyone. [accusingly to Homer]: Somebody tampered with my brakes. [everyone gasps]
Well, then you should've been early. [the whole crowd laughs uproariously]
Chief Wiggum
Hey, he got you there, Ray.
PPatterson
Oh, come on, people. This man has promised round-the-clock trash pickup, that's impossible.
Not if we hire more men, and my men'll do all your messy jobs. They'll wash your car, scrub your shower, air out your stinkables.
[the entire crowd applauds enthusiastically. Patterson is dumbfounded]
PPatterson
I can't believe what I'm hearing!
Well, then you'd better turn up your hearing aid, Pops.
PPatterson
"Pops"? I'm only two years older than you!
Do we want Old Man Patterson here with his finger on the button?
PPatterson
What button?! What the hell are you talking about?!
[mocking] "What? What? What? What button? Where am I? Who took my false teeth?"
Hmm. Good lines, nice balance. Let's see how she handles. Ho-ho, oh, yeah. Tame it, baby. Yo, ring her up, dude.
[gasps] You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.
[coughing] Oh, god. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?
Chief Wiggum
[to Snake] Hands up, scuzzbag! [Moe raises his hands] [to Moe] No, not you. The smoking scuzzbag.
[raises his hands, and flicks away cigarette] Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.
Chief Wiggum
Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.
Hey, that was self-defense!
Chief Wiggum
Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal... Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.
You'll never make it stuck, dude.
Chief Wiggum
Will, too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses. Apu, that scuzzbag Moe...
I'm not going to forget this, dudes. I'm going to totally kill both of you.
Chief Wiggum
And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness, too. Right, Barty?
You are so dead, little dude.
Chief Wiggum
[laughs] You kids crack me up.
EMEd McMahon
Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox, from the producers of "When Shorts Fall Off" and "Secrets of National Security Revealed", it's "World's Deadliest Executions."
The chair? How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps?
EMEd McMahon
Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.
Chief Wiggum
So long, Snake. You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke. [ Chief Wiggum pulls the switch. Snake is jolted with electricity. Smoke from his body fills the execution chamber, causing everyone to have a coughing fit]
[groaning, weakly] Dude... [dies]
Chief Wiggum
All right. Now, let's get this carcass over the hospital and crave it up for organs.
Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor. I'm saved.
Whoo! Ooh-la-la, Simpson. What can I do for you and your new do?
[posing as Snake] You sent me to the chair.
[gasps] Snake? But you're dead.
[in Snake's voice] I know you are, but what am I?
[Snake grabs Apu by the shoulder and pushes him into the squishee machine]
And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all thought the night. On a lighter note: a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.
I can't believe it. That's horrible. Who'll run the Kwik-E-Mart?
Chief Wiggum
I'm afraid we have no leads, but I can safely say Apu did not suffer.
[crunching] Looks to me like he suffered a lot, Chief.
Chief Wiggum
Aw, geez, Lou. How long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?
Who would do such a thing?
Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning.
[in Snake's voice] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.
Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus. What's--
[in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out] Yoink.
Ah, for cryin' out loud. [Groans and dies into the cereal bowl]
Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.
Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!
It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.
I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.
Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!
[puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude. [normal voice] There. Now no murderers can get in. [in Snake's voice] Or out.
KCKrusty the Clown Doll
[laughing] Stop it! You're killing me!
[screams] My school picture!
Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!
Help! Dad's trying to kill me!
It's hammer time, snitchy!
Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling...
Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.
You've got to fight the hair, Dad.
But I look so youthful and hunky. [in Snake's voice] The kid's got to die. [normal voice] But I love my son. [in Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair? [normal voice] Don't make me choose! [laughs in Snake's voice] [normal voice] No!
[Homer tears Snake's hair off of his head and discards it]
I love you too, Dad. [screaming] Get off! Get it off! [muffled]
I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]
Ow! [turns red in furious] That's my face, you idiot!
Idiot? [turns red in anger] Why, you little... [Homer angrily strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]
Chief Wiggum
Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa... Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.
It wasn't me. It was the hair.
Chief Wiggum
Freeze, hair ball! [after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb] Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [everyone laughs].
May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.
Chief Wiggum
It's funny. [everyone laughs] Bad hair day!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
