LSLlewelyn Sinclair
Hello! I am Llewelyn Sinclair! I have directed three plays in my career and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I am planning for a fourth.
Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.
Chief WiggumOh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic.
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
Quiet!
Chief Wiggum
Sorry.
LSLlewelyn Sinclair
I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth-graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.
Chief Wiggum
Hmm.
LLLyle Lanley
You know, a town with money's a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
[Everyone laughs except Homer who at first doesn't get the joke]
LLLyle Lanley
The name's Lanley, Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest —Aw, it's not for you. It's more a Shelbyville idea.
Now, wait just a minute. We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. Just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it.
LLLyle Lanley
All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll show you my idea. I give you the Springfield Monorail! [everyone gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map! Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bonafide, electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?
PSPatty and Selma
Monorail.
LLyle
That's right, monorail! [the crowd starts chanting "monorail" as Lyle begins to play piano]
HMs. Hoover
I hear those things are awfully loud.
LLyle
It glides as softly as a cloud!
Is there a chance the track could bend?
LLyle
Not on your life, my Hindu friend!
What about us brain-dead slobs?
LLyle
You'll be given cushy jobs!
ASAbe Simpson
Were you sent here by the Devil?
LLyle
No, good sir, I'm on the level!
Chief Wiggum
The ring came off my pudding can.
LLyle
Take my pen knife, my good man! I swear it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
AAll
Monoraaaaaaail! (Lyle: What's it called?) Monoraaaaaaail!! (Lyle: Once again!) Monoraaaaaaail!!!
But Main Street's still all cracked and broken!
Sorry Mom, the mob has spoken!
AAll
Monoraaaaaaail! Monoraaaaaaail!! Monoraaaaaaail!!! MONORAIL!
Mono... [realizes the song is over] D'oh!
Chief Wiggum, how'd you ever get these tickets?
Chief Wiggum
Krusty knows how to play ball.
(Flashback: Establishing shot of the Springfield-X porno theater as raunchy, guitar-backed porno music plays. The buzzing marquee reads: "Now Playing: Debbie Does Springfield". Cut to inside where Krusty the Clown is watching the movie. Chief Wiggum comes in and takes a seat behind Krusty while eating from a bucket of popcorn)
Chief Wiggum
Ah, nothing beats a good porno movie.
Krusty (recognizes the voice and turns back to face Wiggum with fear in his voice): Chief Wiggum?! Is this a bust?
Chief Wiggum (unable to answer the question honestly): Uh...yeah. That's just what it is: a bust.
(cut back to Lisa talking to Wiggum from the back seat of his police cruiser)
That story isn't suitable for children.
Chief Wiggum
Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
[Determined to avenge Ralph for being harshly spurned by Lisa, Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over.]
Is there a problem, officer?
CWChief Wiggum
Yep. Got a tail-light out.
WWiggum
[smashes a tail-light] Right there.
[angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
WWiggum
[alarmed] They are? Oh no! Have they set a date?
TATV Announcer
The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
[While the thermostat is set to very high levels, Homer begins to open the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]
April F- [an explosion of beer blows out the windows and roof of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud, Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car.]
That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum
Forget it! That's two blocks away.
[squints] Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum
[gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
[into radio as Wiggum runs towards the cloud] We need pretzels! Repeat, pretzels!
Chief Wiggum
Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and [winks] legal.
Is that so? [yells out kitchen window] Oh, Flanders? Won't you join me in my kitchen? [Ned turns off the hose. Homer stands on the wall next to the kitchen arch, preparing to strike Flanders] Heh-heh-heh-heh...
Chief Wiggum
Uh, it doesn't work when you invite 'em.
This was a lovely idea, Homie. Come here and kiss me.
Mmm... Uh-h-h-- [a rotor system is heard and a spotlight interrupts]
Chief Wiggum
[through a megaphone] Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Aw, come on! Continue! C'mon! Aww... [to Lou] All right, Lou, open fire.
Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.
Chief Wiggum
[driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.
[thinking about his new job] Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.
[Kwik-E-Mart]
Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.
[still oblivious] It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.
[Moe's Tavern]
Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.
[confused] This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?
[points at viewer as if he's breaking the fourth wall; camera zooms out to reveal he's actually pointing at Chief Wiggum]
Chief Wiggum
Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?
[Smithers sits in a confessional.]
Father, I'm not a Catholic, but... I tried to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who... [breaks down sobbing] who shot Mr. Burns!
[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol.]
Chief Wiggum
That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.
[Chief Wiggum has given Milhouse's scent to a pack of vicious-looking police dogs. They bolt off, barking and snarling aggressively]
Chief Wiggum
Ok, we can all stop worrying now. These dogs never fail.
[exchanges a worried glance with Luanne] But... will they just find Milhouse, or will they find him and kill him?
Chief Wiggum
Well, they'll... when they find him, they'll um... they'll humm...um...um...um...[murmuring so quietly he can barely be heard] ...bust him...
[frowns] Uh, excuse me, you didn't answer me. You just trailed off.
Chief Wiggum
[rubs back of neck] Yeah. Yeah, I did kinda trail off there, didn't I? [laughs nervously]
Our next budget item: $12 for doorknob repair.
[A burning Groundskeeper Willie tries to escape, but the doorknob falls off]
Recharge fire extinguishers? Now, this is a, uh, free service of the fire department...
[Groundskeeper Willie tries to use the fire extinguisher, but it's empty; he breaks out of the furnace room and runs into the classroom]
[still on fire] Help! Please help me!
Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor.
Er, I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having 2 spaghetti meals in one day.
[Groundskeeper Willie explodes into flame and screams for a few seconds; the parents turn to watch]
[looking like a skeleton] You'll pay for this...with your children's blood!
Chief Wiggum
Oh, right. How are you going to get them? Skeleton power?
I'll strike where you cannot protect them... in their dreams!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
