Chief Wiggum quotes from The Simpsons

Chief Wiggum

[checking the boys' IDs] Sorry boys, but the curfew is final. [Looks at Nelson's] Oh, sorry to disturb you, Dr. Hibbert.

[as Dr. Hibbert] Not at all, Officer! [chuckles]

Chief Wiggum

So, You enjoy this movie, Kids? Aah! Listen up punks. The moral of the story is, the adults always win! [The kids' eyes turn blue, as in the film] Waaarrgh! [It is revealed Eddie has been shining a light on the kids] For crying out loud, Eddie. You scared the hell out of me.

Sorry, Chief. [chuckles]

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, hold on there, Santa Claus. That box is for toys only.

Homer

Well, of course! Any kid would love to have this ... activity center. It teaches them while they learn!

Chief Wiggum

Yeah, nice try, Saint Nick. Now hit the road, Kris Kringle!

Homer

But...but--

Chief Wiggum

You heard me, [pokes Homer's gut with nightstick] Père Noël. [Homer puts the barbecue pit on the cart and leaves; Fat Tony, Legs, and Louie come and dump a body in a bag into the bin] Whatcha got there?

Beanie Baby.

Homer

Try some, won't you?

Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!

[Takes a bit and immediately spits it out] Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!

[does the same] Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!

I want more! [Starts devouring more tomacco]

Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me. [Joins his son]

Homer

[chuckles]

It doesn't look like you've been saving anything for the future!

Well, you know how it is with cops. I'll be shot three days before retirement. In the business, we call it retirony.

Well, what if you don't get shot?

What a terrible thing to say! Oh, look! You made my wife cry!

Chief Wiggum

If you have committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'.

Chief Wiggum

You have chosen 'No', meaning you have committed a crime but don't want to confess. [van symbol is shown] A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home.

Homer

Hey!

Chief Wiggum

While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous!

In the interest of our public safety, we have confiscated every bagel, donut, cruller, and bearclaw in the city. And some coffee.

Yesterday, Mr. X reported that your own department-- [Cut off by Wiggum]

I know. I know. But, I can assure the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... Anymore.

What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?

All right, this press conference is over!

Homer

Hey, what gives, where are the rock stars?

Chief Wiggum

I don't know, but it's starting to get dark.

Homer

[Gasps] What was that?

Barney Gumble

Oh, it's getting closer.

Hello campers!

How are ya doin'?

Homer

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! It's Mick Jagger and Keith Richards!

Chief Wiggum

Now, Mr. Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about?

Homer

Triple? No, definitely no.

Chief Wiggum

Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer. And I know just where to find him.

Marge

[hopeful] Paris?

Chief Wiggum

No, no, not Paris.

Marge

[downhearted] I'm never gonna go to Paris.

[After stealing the prison bus and being chased by police. She gets on the radio to Wiggum] Granny to The Man! Granny to The Man!

Chief Wiggum

[Reading from a Hippy/English dictionary] This is...The Man...I think it would...be a gas...if you turned that...Magic Bus around...and kept on truckin' to...our pig pad.

I don't know what you're saying, but I am not turning back!

Marge

Lisa's gone, you have to find her!

Why can't you just accept that Lisa is old enough to look after herself. Back off and let her live her life.

Marge

What!

Oh, I thought you said eighty. Well, we'll get right on it.

Inspector Wiggum

Well, well, well, look who's here. Master Detective Eliza Simpson and her easily amazed sidekick, Dr. Bartley.

What's this? A doorknob! Good show!

Inspector Wiggum

[to Lou] Why can't you be more like Eddie? He never says a word against me.

Lou

That's 'cause you cut out his tongue.

[without a tongue] E's 'ight 'eef.

Chief Wiggum

Would you look at those Simpson kids! Last year it was razor scooters, this year they're driving RVs. When I was a kid, my mom would give me an empty egg carton and I'd pretend it was a spaceship to the moon. You'll never guess what I used for astronauts!

Lou

Uh... I'm gonna say eggs.

Chief Wiggum

Shut up!