[South Park Elementary; Stan is called over to Principal Victoria's office and as he enters, he is stunned to see Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, his parents, Kyle's parents, Sgt. Yates, Officer Barbrady, and the Mayor with her aides, all there together, and are incredibly displeased with him]
You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.
Did you call him a fudge packer?
Aww, he was packing fudge!
Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!
They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?
It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.
But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.
Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.
Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?
Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!
[Back at the fudge factory, Stan and Randy talk with Tom Cruise]
Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.
That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!
Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...
I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...
I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!
Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.
[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.
Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.
It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...
Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.
Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.
Well then you can just get sued!
Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-
NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!
[South Park Community Center, evening; Randy is on stage with Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, The Mayor and her aides; Much of the town is in the audience]
Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.
Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!
We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.
[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.
But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?
Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.
[The audience turns to Stan]
Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.
Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!
No, dude, it was totally flying.
Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.
Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.
Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.
[Randy pulls out a sheet of paper from a manila envelope and turns it around: it's a stick figure with a round head]
Is that okay to show? [sits down]
I don't know. I guess we'll see.
[Tom Cruise's mountain lodge]
Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense.
JJJesse Jackson
Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.
No, I said we're going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again! Look, people, all of us... get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth that is completely free from slander?
OOprah
You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?
Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we…could harness that power. [walks up to Jimmy Buffett] Jimmy Buffett, how would you like it if nobody could call your music drunken fratboy monkey garbage?
JBJimmy Buffett
I'd-I'd love it.
By taking what Muhammad has, we would all be safe from ridicule. Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it, Tim -- nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out you haven't had an original thought since "Beetlejuice." And you put Johnny Depp and the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!
TBTim Burton
Gee, that'd be swell.
Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take his power from him!
Excuse me, [everyone turns to look at him] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?
Hey, it's one of the kids from South Park that slandered me!
I didn't come for myself. I'm just an escort for another celebrity who wants to get in on your lawsuit.
[pulls off her little cap] Allo! [the other celebrities smile at her]
[the others crowd in]
Yes, I am Jennifer Lopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.
[takes his guests to a lab, which has a machine, a duplicator of sorts] Here it is, friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us his power to not be made fun of.
Tom, Tom, you're talking crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability. How could we ever get it from him?
We take his goo. [eating a burger] It's as simple as that, people.
Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo which is inside every person on Earth.
Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another.
Wait, you mean, we aren't gonna sue and get a bunch of money?
No, Jen. We've all got enough money.
Yes, who needs more money? We need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes! Arriba arriba!
You're gonna give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?!
Oh, we could play that game too! You wanna see violence, you got it! [throws the phone down, destroying it] Goddamned stupid assholes! They wanna play rough?! Okay! Spielberg, go and get some automatic rifles! [walks up to a couch on which Oprah is seated and starts jumping up and down on it quite aggressively] We'll go in there and we're gonna take Muhammad by force! And we're gonna show 'em that-
Tom, Tom! We can't be seen getting violent!
Yeah, that would kill all our careers.
[still jumping on the couch] But the only way we're gonna get Muhammad now is by getting just as violent with South Park as the gingers!
Fine, then let's have her do it!
RRRobert Redford
[frightened] My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember.
SSSteven Spielberg
Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this?
Mrs. Streisand was blown apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.
Power her up! Release the kiken!
[Mel Gibson throws the switch. Barbra's forehead and then her eyes light up. She begins to move. She whips her tail against the ground. She's armed with a chainsaw for a right arm]
Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner. [she breathes hot air on the crowd, and they try to block the air] Listen, Babs, we're takin' on the town of South Park and we really need your help.
We figured you're pissed off at South Park too, right Ms. Streisand? [she reacts fiercely, running her saw into the holding structure behind her] Oh, she's pissed alright.
AAnnouncer
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, which is Tom Cruise's house.
(on the phone) How do you like that?! Celebrities can get violent too!
[on the community center roof with other townsfolk] Mr. Cruise, please call Barbra Streisand off! [everyone cringes as Mecha-Streisand walks around] She's destroying everything!
We will call her off when you give us Muhammad!
We don't have Muhammad. We we aren't sure where he is.
That's your problem! Get him back or Barbs will kill you all!
SMSea-Man
I'll get you, Tom Cruise! [hops on him and wrestles him]
Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back.
[everyone stops and gasps. The "CENSORED" bar disappears and Tom is shown again]
Oh yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back.
I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman.
[everyone chuckles.]
[straightens up] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Sea-Man gets off his back] You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?!
STScott Tenorman
[on the rafters with a jet pack on his back] I'll be back, Super Best Friends! [tales off through an open door on the roof.]
Who's the creepy ginger kid?
Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of!
That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show, but it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.
That's right. Don't you see, gingers, if you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear and be willing to hurt people and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.
[Tom Cruise sitting by himself on a trash can feeling sad]
Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that semen on your back.
I just... can't do it anymore. I wanna go away! But there's nowhere on Earth that people aren't around to rip on me.
Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.
We do? Oh Oh yeah, we do!
You... really? Somewhere where I can just, live out my days in peace and quiet and- Oh. [stands up] Oh please, can you show me where?
We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.
[Kenny is watching Pardon the Interruption ]
TKTony Kornheiser
All right, now we turn from the NFL to the world of NASCAR. People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted, ignorant statements on his podcast.
[In a southern accent] All right what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off, so I'm going to do some dipping and speak my mind. Today I'm going to be dipping some Vagisil regular strength anti-itch cream. [Drinks some Vagisil] So I'm pissed off what I found out. I found out this Obama wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! What the fuck is up with that? That's fuckin' gay! [Kenny, watching, buries his head intro his arms] It's gay as hell. Y'all know my pit boss, Butters.
He's fuckin' gay as hell.
So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor and stupid as they fuckin' come so come down and cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday. Obama's gay as hell!
TKTony Kornheiser
Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR is for the poor and the stupid.
