[at the South Park Hair Salon]
Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here!
CCaroline
Theresa! Calm. Down.
JJulia
I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey!
CCaroline
Get her, Sharon!!
JJacqueline
Sharon, just stay out of it!
CCaroline
Be, the bigger person, Sharon!
CCaroline
Who's crazy? Are you talking about my family?! (grabs Sharon by the hair and pulls her a few steps; Sharon begins to scream) Is my family crazy?!
Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch! (pulls Sharon back by the hair)
[barges in, savagely] Let go of her, you piece of trash!
Who the fuck are you, to tell me, what to do?!
All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!
(slaps Theresa's hand away) No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho bitch!! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy!
JJacqueline
[to Sheila] You're, cabbage!
I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle.
[enunciating] What am I, Mom?
When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.
[getting scared] What are you saying?!
I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey.
[looks at his new look] NO! I don't wanna look like this!
It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.
[walks by and looks]
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [faints on his back]
I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know!
What the hell are you guys doing?
Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.
[points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here? He's one of them. He could easily be a spy!
I told you, Cartman, I'm not one of them. I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!
Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?
Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Jinger! Admit it!
No way, dude! I'm NOT one of them, okay?! I'm not going to tell you my secret!
(Randy interrogates the Situation guy strapped to a chair)
Alright Mr. Situation, we'll try this again! Why are you people doing this?!
SThe Situation
Well I told you, it's uh just a Jersey thing.
(In response, Randy punches him hard on the left cheek)
SThe Situation
You just don't understand. It's uh it's just, just a Jersey thing.
(Randy punches him again, kicks him with the left foot, punches him with the left hand, kicks him on the side of his head with the right foot)
Maybe he really is stupid, Randy.
[to Jimbo] Nobody's this stupid! [to the Situation guy again] What are you people planning?!
SThe Situation
It's just a Jersey thing, you know? Ya, you just gotta be from Jersey to get it.
There are some superpowers that make yours look like nothing. Trust me, I know.
HHindsight
What... what is your power?
[pause]
I can't die. [pause] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light, sometimes I see heaven or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. And the worst part, no one even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day and everyone's just like "oh, hey Kenny," even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight, you're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.
[When the boys are talking about their superpowers]
What's your superpower, Mysterion?
Oh, yeah, good one! Mysterion can't die and Iron Maiden is indestructible--
No, Stan, I'm being serious. I really, REALLY can't die!
Like last night in the alley! The cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place and you screamed "Oh, my God!" and you (indicates Human Kite) called him a bastard.
HKHuman Kite
When was that?
All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes NEVER remember!
I think we would remember you dying, dude.
Well, you don't! I die over and over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened.
Dude, you're freaking out Mint Berry Crunch. He's peed his pants.
MBMint Berry Crunch
No, no! Mint Berry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!
(disappointed) I knew there is no point in telling you guys.
HKHuman Kite
OK, dude, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not being able to die.
(furious) Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot? Decapitated? Torn apart? Burned? Run over?!!
It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fucking hurts! And it won't go away and nobody will believe me! Remember this time! Try and fucking remember!
(Takes a gun and shoots himself.)
