Hey, Stan! Isn't that Tom Cruise?
Huh? Oh, wow, it is. Hey, guys, check it out! Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!
Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture of him]
How come you're packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?
I'm glad you asked, I'm not a fudge packer!
Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.
But, I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]
Then why are you packing fudge?
I'm not! I'm glad you asked, I'm a very busy actor! I'm just here trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]
Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.
Oh, that does it! I will [slams his fist on the belt] SUE you!
You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it!
[walks up with the students; notices Tom] Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?
[takes off and throws his hat on the ground] THAT'S IT! I'm suing this entire intolerant town! [starts leaving the factory]
No buts! You wanna accuse somebody of being a fudge packer, you're gonna pay the consequences!
[Tom Cruise's mountain lodge]
Guys, I wanna really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you all can relate to.
[The 200 other celebrities begin to chatter, generally agreeing with him]
TWTiger Woods
That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!
BBono
I'm fed up with it! That town suggested I was made of sh*t!
Yeah well I was just over there doing some fly-fishing, and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer!
CCelebrities
That is wrong! Hohhot, that is crazy!
I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher started joining in.
SSSally Struthers
[eating chocolate cake] South Park, Colorado, is the most insensitive racist and bigoted place in this country!
GLGeorge Lucas
That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it!
If anybody has a gripe against that sh*thole, it's me! [spits something into a tissue, then rubs that tissue into John Travolta's crotch]
Yeah, well I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to the slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want.
JJared
Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where is your bathroom?
Oh just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared goes to the first door and opens it] No, no, that's a that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No, that's a closet too. [Jared moves on to the next door across the hall and opens that one] No, Jared, that one's a closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No. That's a cl- [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] closet. [Jared moves on to the next door and opens that one] No that's a that's a closet.
[Jared runs out of door to open and looks at Tom]
[South Park Elementary; Stan is called over to Principal Victoria's office and as he enters, he is stunned to see Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, his parents, Kyle's parents, Sgt. Yates, Officer Barbrady, and the Mayor with her aides, all there together, and are incredibly displeased with him]
You just had to push it, didn't you Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.
Did you call him a fudge packer?
Aww, he was packing fudge!
Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities!
They're going to sue the bajeezus out of this entire town, m'kay?
It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison.
But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.
Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers.
Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you've just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?
Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!
[Back at the fudge factory, Stan and Randy talk with Tom Cruise]
Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his hurtful comment.
That's nice. I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer!
Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But, maybe you could see how -- since you do, take fudge and, pack it into a box...
I'm just saying, you are employed currently, as a person who, packages...
I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge!
Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a hat that says "Fred's Fudge & Candies." And you are... look it doesn't matter just... please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.
[takes a short break and sighs] There is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.
Anything! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.
It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet. Face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town...
Sure, who is it? We can get anybody for you.
Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.
Well then you can just get sued!
Mr. Cruise, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could-
NO! Just him! You get Muhammad to appear in South Park, or your little town is done!
[South Park Community Center, evening; Randy is on stage with Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, The Mayor and her aides; Much of the town is in the audience]
Okay, people, I kno- I know. But, he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.
Are you nuts?! If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed!
We don't know that! Maybe enough time has passed.
[to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.
But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, huh, how would we ever find him?
Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off-limits and censored. So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.
[The audience turns to Stan]
Yeah. A while ago my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.
Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and nobody got bombed?!
No, dude, it was totally flying.
Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.
Well this giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.
Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? [to the audience] Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad could look like today.
[Randy pulls out a sheet of paper from a manila envelope and turns it around: it's a stick figure with a round head]
Is that okay to show? [sits down]
I don't know. I guess we'll see.
[Tom Cruise's mountain lodge]
Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense.
JJJesse Jackson
Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.
No, I said we're going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again! Look, people, all of us... get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth that is completely free from slander?
OOprah
You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?
Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we…could harness that power. [walks up to Jimmy Buffett] Jimmy Buffett, how would you like it if nobody could call your music drunken fratboy monkey garbage?
JBJimmy Buffett
I'd-I'd love it.
By taking what Muhammad has, we would all be safe from ridicule. Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it, Tim -- nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out you haven't had an original thought since "Beetlejuice." And you put Johnny Depp and the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!
TBTim Burton
Gee, that'd be swell.
Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take his power from him!
Excuse me, [everyone turns to look at him] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?
Hey, it's one of the kids from South Park that slandered me!
I didn't come for myself. I'm just an escort for another celebrity who wants to get in on your lawsuit.
[pulls off her little cap] Allo! [the other celebrities smile at her]
[the others crowd in]
Yes, I am Jennifer Lopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.
[takes his guests to a lab, which has a machine, a duplicator of sorts] Here it is, friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us his power to not be made fun of.
Tom, Tom, you're talking crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability. How could we ever get it from him?
We take his goo. [eating a burger] It's as simple as that, people.
Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo which is inside every person on Earth.
Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another.
Wait, you mean, we aren't gonna sue and get a bunch of money?
No, Jen. We've all got enough money.
Yes, who needs more money? We need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes! Arriba arriba!
You're gonna give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?!
Oh, we could play that game too! You wanna see violence, you got it! [throws the phone down, destroying it] Goddamned stupid assholes! They wanna play rough?! Okay! Spielberg, go and get some automatic rifles! [walks up to a couch on which Oprah is seated and starts jumping up and down on it quite aggressively] We'll go in there and we're gonna take Muhammad by force! And we're gonna show 'em that-
Tom, Tom! We can't be seen getting violent!
Yeah, that would kill all our careers.
[still jumping on the couch] But the only way we're gonna get Muhammad now is by getting just as violent with South Park as the gingers!
Fine, then let's have her do it!
RRRobert Redford
[frightened] My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember.
SSSteven Spielberg
Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this?
Mrs. Streisand was blown apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.
Power her up! Release the kiken!
[Mel Gibson throws the switch. Barbra's forehead and then her eyes light up. She begins to move. She whips her tail against the ground. She's armed with a chainsaw for a right arm]
Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner. [she breathes hot air on the crowd, and they try to block the air] Listen, Babs, we're takin' on the town of South Park and we really need your help.
We figured you're pissed off at South Park too, right Ms. Streisand? [she reacts fiercely, running her saw into the holding structure behind her] Oh, she's pissed alright.
