The Simpsons · Season 5
[lowers a table out of the hotel window; then drops it] Got it, Barn?
[offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!
You're stealing a table?
I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!
Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?
Souvenir.
Let's go over to the county courthouse live to Kent Brockman.
—ockman, just outside the county courtroom where an argument about chowder has spilled over into the biggest trial in Springfield history. Behind these doors, a federal judge will ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the media have dubbed "Beat-Up Waiter". [pfft] This reporter suggested "Waitergate", but was shouted down at the press club. Now, it's illegal to televise court proceedings in this state, [whispers] so we'll have to be quiet. [courtroom doors close in his face] Dooh—!
Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?
Well, Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took 75 Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again. [she then starts humming and dusting the TV]
Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?
Honey, you should listen to your heart... and not the voices in your head, like a certain uncle did one gray December morn.
Oh, my God... Someone's taken a bite out of the big Rice Krispie square! ...Oh, yeah, and the waiter's been brutally beaten, heh-heh.
[reads the verdict paper] What does "sequestered" mean?
It means if we're deadlocked we'll be put up somewhere until we reach a decision.
What does "deadlocked" mean?
It means the jury cannot reach a unanimous decision.
Uh-huh. And "if"?
Conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".
So IF we cannot reach a decision, the jury will be DEADLOCKED, and then we'll be SEQUESTERED in the Springfield Palace Hotel.
That's not going to happen, Homer.
Let's vote. My liver is failing.
Where we'll get free rooms, free food, free TV, free HBO, OOOH! FREE WILLY! [Skinner snatches paper from him]
Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!
What are all of you voting?
Guilty.
Uh-huh. How many S's in innocent?
[everyone else groans]
Now I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.
[Bart sees Skinner in the jury; Skinner thinks his thoughts to him]
I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just a little reminder: If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yeah, you heard me. I think words I would never say. [camera pans left to Homer]
I know you can read my thoughts, boy. [sings Meow Mix jingle] Meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow-meow.
The system works. Just ask Claus von Bülow.
Homer, you didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake.
[The cake reads, "Happy Birthday Magaggie".]
What? It's not Magaggie's birthday?
If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister! And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!
[Homer imagines his children as more realistic-looking humans, screams and runs from the room]
Oh, Monty, I swear you're the devil himself.
I...Who told you?! ...Oh, ah, yes.
I specifically requested no romantic music! What…?
[stops playing organ, trying to pounds the window] Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier! [Glass breaks, he falls to the church floor, saved Jacqueline] Mrs. Bouvier!
[last lines as Grampa gets back together with Mrs. Bouvier in a bus]
[voices only] ♪ Hello Grampa, my old friend ♪
♪ Your busy day is at an end ♪ [the executive producers' names appear in darkness]
♪ Your exploits have been sad and boring ♪ [the credits begin playing]
♪ They tell a tale, that's worth ignoring ♪
♪ When you're alone, the words of your story will echo down the rest home hall ♪
♪ Cuz no one at all ♪
♪ Can stand the sound of Grampa ♪
[voice only, in credits] I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine with a vulcanized rubber listening tube which you crammed in your ear! The tube would go in easy with some sort of lubricant like linseed oil or Dr. Shumway's... [the Gracie Films logo appears] Oops. I'm sorry!
[Homer and Marge are discussing ways for Homer to better himself.]
Oh... and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
That's because you were drunk!
And how.
So, little Lisa, apple of my eye: how are things down at the old schoolhouse?
I find this demeaning and embarrassing beyond my worst nightmares.
[hearty laughter] And how's my little major-leaguer? Catch any junebugs today?
Oh, me and Milhouse took some mail from the mail truck and threw it down the sewer.
[with barely-concealed anger]: Son, I know you meant well, but that wasn't the right thing to do.
What the hell are you talking about? You're the one who double-dared us.
[explodes with anger]: Why you little -- [strangles Bart]
Homer!
I'm outta here!
Me too.
[Bart and Lisa leave]
[as Marge kicks out Homer's class -- and Homer]
All right, we're breaking early tonight, class. For tomorrow, you should read pages seven to 18 in Lisa's diary.
You too.
Huh?
Get out!
But I'm not in a cla-
[Marge angrily pushes Homer onto the ground and slams the door, Otto puts his hand on Homer's shoulder]
Uh, is any of this gonna be on the test? 'Cause I wasn't payin' attention.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
