FIFemale Intercom
Crisis has been averted. Everything is super.
S3Homer Defined
S3Like Father, Like Clown
[voice-over] My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.
YJYoung Jewish Man
Rebbe Krustofski, should I finish college?
RKRabbi Krustofski
Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.
JWJewish Woman
Rabbi, should I have another child?
RKRabbi Krustofski
Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
JMJewish Man
Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
RKRabbi Krustofski
Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?
JMJewish Man
Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?
RKRabbi Krustofski
Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.
[after showing a father-and-son themed episode of The Itchy and Scratchy Show, Krusty is clearly emotionally devastated but desperately trying to hold it back and appear happy while on camera]
Didn't Itchy Jr. look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy Jr. look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by a thresher? Wasn't that a beautiful cartoon? [pause as Krusty looks absolutely broken, with quivering lips, blood-shot eyes, and a thousand-yard stare, before he breaks down sobbing] Ah, for the love of God, cut to a commercial!
[Lisa tries one last tack in convincing Rabbi Krustofski to reconcile with Krusty]
Here you go, Bart. It's a long shot, but that's all I can do without learning Ancient Hebrew. [Bart looks at Lisa in expectation] Bart! I am not going to learn Ancient Hebrew!
S3Treehouse of Horror II
Good morning.
Morning.
Good morning, dear.
Hiya, Bart. How's my boy?
[Homer has a Jack in the Box for a body. He tucks Bart into bed using his mouth]
Good night, son.
Good night, dad. You know, these last few days have been really swell. I wish I could repay you?
Well, if you wanted to, you could give me my body back.
You got it. [using his mind]
[regains his body] Oh! Hey, Hey. [hugs Bart] Thanks boy.
I love you dad.
I love you son. [kisses Bart's forehead]
[We cut to reality as the dream ends, Bart wakes up screaming in terror, the camera zooms into his mouth, cutting to commercial break]
[Mr. Burns and Smithers watch surveillance footage of employees toying around and avoiding work]
Ooh, look at them, Smithers - goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds. Little do they realize their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing? Just to throw the fear of God into them.
Very well. [to the screen] Eeny, meeny, miny... [sees Homer sleeping on his workplace] Blugh! Him!
[on the speaker] Attention, Homer Simpson. Attention, Homer Simpson. [Homer doesn't wake up] Wake up, Homer!
[wakes up, alarmed and confused] What? Huh? What?! [starts pressing buttons]
[on the speaker] You're fired.
For what?
[on the speaker] For sleeping on the job.
How did you know I was sleeping?
[on the speaker] We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.
[sees camera off-screen] Camera? D'oh!
[After the robot behaves just like Homer, Mr. Burns returns the brain to Homer's body]
[as Burns sews the top of his head back on] Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Oh, will you quit your complaining!
Sir, do you know what this means? He is alive!
Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. [to the robot] And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of caliginous cogs and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it, causing it to tip and loom over him]
Run, sir!
[The robot lands on Burns, crushing him save for his head]
Every bone...shattered, organs...leaking vital fluids...a slight headache...loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die.
[distraught] Sir, is there nothing I can do?
Well...perhaps. Smithers, go to my office. In the third drawer of my desk are...surgical tools...and some ether.
[Homer wakes up screaming]
Did you have a nightmare, Homey?
No, Bart bit me!
Hey, man, you were crushing me! [to Marge and Lisa] I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
Hey, got to go shake the dew off the lily. [walks into bathroom and looks in the mirror, to find Burns' head sewn onto his left shoulder] Aaaah!!!
Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.
[trying to stay calm] I can wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!
Oh, that's right! It's all a dream... [fade to black; credits showrunner appears] ...or is it? [laughs evilly; credits showrunner disappeared]
AAnnouncer
Next week, on "The Simpsons"...
[Everyone is at the breakfast table]
Don't forget, Dad, tonight, my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Mmm...spaghetti.
But Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands!
Oh, I hate having two heads!
[The credits staring at the end, Halloween music appears. After the credits, Gracie Films organ music in the background, and 20th Television Fox music is back to normal at the end of the episode]
S3Lisa's Pony
[calls Homer on the phone] Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.
Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?
I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.
Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.
CBChuck Berger
[Singing in the talent show] My dingaling! My dingaling! I want you to play with my dingaling!
This act is over! [pushes Chuck offstage, clears his throat] Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to put this filth behind us.
S3Saturdays of Thunder
You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle - his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.
I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover. I'm filling in for Actor Buck Henderson. Now, Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody.
CCrowd
Hi, Dr. Nick.
Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul Edgar Allan Poe! [exhibits a grimy tombstone]
BHBuck Henderson
One of our best writers.
Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone into a depressing eyesore.
So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away.
Not so fast, Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the body's still warm! [applies some Spiffy and rubs, removing all the grime]
AAudience
Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh!
[The tombstone shines and twinkles]
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."
[watching the show on TV] Ooh, that's one clean tombstone!
I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones, for only $39.95!
AAudience
Booo!
[A chair is thrown on stage nearly hitting Dr. Nick]
BHBuck Henderson
I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor.
[watching the show on TV] Yeah, give us a break, doctor!
Okay, I'll throw in a fourth bottle, the applicator glove, and a state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95!
[The audience goes wild]
Dr. Hibbert, Bart needs a... [sees Martin after destroying Bart's Honor Roller] YOU! Homewrecker!
S3Flaming Moe's
[Moe has introduced Aerosmith to the crowd]
STSteven Tyler
HELLLOOOOOOO, ST LOUIIIIIS!!!
JPJoe Perry
Um, that's Springfield, Steven.
TTyler
Oh, yeah, right. [to crowd] Are you ready to rock?!
CCrowd
Yeaahhh!
TTyler
I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!?!?!
CCrowd
YEEEAHHHHH!!!
TTyler
Hit it!
[Band begins playing "Walk This Way"]
MMoe
[lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.
CCollette
Oh, Morris, something troubles me...
MMoe
Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes-
CCollette
No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.
MMoe
That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.
CCollette
I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.
MMoe
Wha-?!
CCollette
[stern] He's your friend, Moe, and you took advantage of him.
MMoe
All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.