Bart, wait! I like the new you. Listen, before you flip those circuit breakers, look deep in your sister's eyes and tell me what you see.
I see love.
Unconditional love.
Which means I can do whatever I want!
D'oh!
S27Much Apu About Something
Springfield has more handicapped parking spots for fat guys than any other non-Chicago city.
AApu
[reads a Playdude magazine] Before I die, I would like to know just what is in these nudie magazines.
SSanjay
What is it, brother?
AApu
An interview with... Jim Gaffigan.
AApu
Quick & Fresh? Who spells "quick" with a "Q"?
Oh, Apu, it's good to see you doing so well. I know you can't turn your head, but you've got a great view. Oh! Are you okay?
Marge, he's got nine lives.
AApu
I am a Hindu, sir, not a cat. I have infinite lives during some of which I may be a cat. In those I do have nine.
S27Love Is in the N2-O2-Ar-CO2-Ne-He-CH4
PPPower Plant Employee
Hey, Professor, I didn't know you worked here at the plant!
I consult! Sometimes they listen, sometimes not. People have died... [whispering] You didn't hear that from me!
PPPower Plant Employee
So, who are you here with?
Well, no one as yet. But I haven't turned on the old Frink charm! [to a woman] Hello there. vo-ivy. [she ignores him and enters the reactor core room, making Frank sad] Well, there's, uh... no mistaking that message.
S27Gal of Constant Sorrow
Oh, this tile is lose! I'll have to call a handy man.
Eh... Why did you say it like that, with the pause between the words? Are you saying I'm not handy?!
That's how you say it. Handy man.
It's handyman!
That's what I said! handy [pause] man.
[angrily] Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy! Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me...
A handy [pause] man. [Homer exclaims angrily]
Face it, Homeboy, you ain't handy! Unless we need a big fat paperweight.
I'll paperweight you!! [sits on Bart]
Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.
I know how to replace a tile! All guys do! We talk about it all the time. Grout?
There's no stopping what I've started here. Here's your tile! [puts the tile on Homer's plate] Have fun! Handy [pause] man! [leaves]
[discovers a floor of Moe's Tavern] Ugh. This is place is dirtier than a tunnel!
S27Lisa the Veterinarian
Wow, an indoor water park! Hopefully, this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers.
Well, as a mother, I...
We all know you're a mother.
As a mother, I like that wherever I look, I can see a lifeguard.
OOtto
[drowning] I'm finding Nemo! [he disappears underwater and leaves through a pipe] I saw heaven!
S27The Marge-ian Chronicles
Hey, Flanders! Gas up your leaf blower much? [notices Flanders' hen house] Chickens?! Since when do you have chickens?
Oh, about six months.
Well, they've been driving me crazy. Get rid of them!
[chuckles] Don't let these feathery fellas ruffle your feathers, fella.
Chickens. You have yourself a perfectly good coop, and that's what you keep in it? [whistles]
Oh, Homer, surely you know there's nothing tastier than a fresh-laid egg! [to Rod and Todd] How do you want 'em, boys?
RTRod and Todd
Coddled! Coddled! Coddled!
[chuckles] What is it about boys and their coddled eggs?
S27The Burns Cage
[texts on this phone during a couch gag when "Meh" shows up] Up your… [other text shows the creator's name] Oh, sorry. Yes, sir. [other text shows the developers' names] Who are these guys? [other "Meh" text shows up] "Meh?"
[Smithers saves Mr. Burns' life after a parachute jump gone wrong]
[steps on Smithers' head] I did it! All by myself! [looks at Waylon] Oh, Smithers, do you always have to be underfoot?
Sorry, sir. If there was a less spectacular way to save your life, I... I should've found it.
Mr. Burns, coming down I... I thought we weren't gonna make it, and I thought I'd never get to say something I've always wanted to. The truth is, sir, I'm in love with...
The sound of your own voice? Yes, well, no dogwood, I, listening to the nightingale trill her unending tune! Don't take this the wrong way, but you mean nothing to me. Someone I give less thought to than the little piece of popcorn stuck in my tooth. Ooh, can you remove it? [Smithers removes the popcorn stuck in Burn's teeth] I'll see you back at the office. Don't be late!
S27How Lisa Got Her Marge Back
[Bart prepares his money pulling prank and Hans Moleman is walking down the street]
Ah, my first sucker! [chuckles]
Oh, a dollar. Now I can have lunch! [tries to grab the bill when his glasses fell, making him see perfectly] Hmm?! It's a trick! I never needed these. [throws his glasses and walks away. Bart groans]
Oh, lookie here, it's the old fishing line on a dollar bill prank. Man, even a backwoods, no account, inbred, lead-paint-eating, kerosene-huffing, roadkill-chomping, uh... what was my point? [walks away]
[to Luann] That is a practical joke, Luann. Which is too bad, because I desperately need that dollar. Yeah, I could also use the fishing line to get some dinner.
Bart, if Milhouse is hiding with you, tell him he has to shop for school clothes. [Milhouse comes out from behind the bushes]
Yay!! School clothes!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.