The Simpsons · Season 27
[to Homer, who's watching football] Dad, I'm worried. No one is falling for my pranks anymore!
Son, I know this seems like the biggest disappointment of your life, but trust me, there are going to be so many more. What you've got to remember is... Oh my God, 13 men in the field! Review it, review it, review it! Yes!! Play stands!
Mom, I've been working on a new solo jazz piece.
[groans] Can I hear it? [Lisa starts playing her jazz solo]
Oh, I'd love to stay and listen, but I'm late for work! [leaves and comes back with Snowball V] Here's another super-fan to hear you lay down your licks! [leaves, comes back, puts glasses and a beret on Snowball V and leaves again]
[To Maggie who had her hair cut like Bart's] Why you little!
Dad, no! You're gonna strangle a baby!
[gasps] Oh my God. That would've been horrible! [to Bart] Why you little! [strangles him] Turning a sweet little baby into a you! [sits beside him] Bart, you're a great kid, but if I had another one like you, I'd hang myself from a highway overpass! Please, give your sister the precious gift of not being you.
Okay Dad. Mags, it was fun while it lasted. [puts her hair back to normal]
Huh? Ha! I didn't know it was that easy. [makes Bart's hair look like Maggie's]
Stop that! [makes his hair like Sideshow Bob's]
Aah! Sideshow Bob!
[Homer puts Maggie to sleep]
[offscreen] Did you put the baby to sleep? [Maggie wakes up]
D'oh!
Oh... I can't read that again. I hate to see a wolf get punished for having normal appetites.
Okay, sweetie, I got a story about another little girl who got lost in the woods, but it wasn't a girl, and it wasn't the woods. [Maggie sucks her pacifier] Suck, suck indeed! And it all happened once upon a time, before you were born, and my chances for a man cave went out the window.
Bless you all for sacrificing your Saturday afternoon to help us clean up skid row.
When God came for Sunday I said nothing. Now he comes for Saturday.
Homer Simpson, it's one thing to moan and groan on the bus, but in front of these unfortunates, well... [scoffs] that just curls my 'stache! [his mustache curls a bit]
Hey, Flanders, why don't you take some advice from your Bible and zip it?
Oh, where does the Bible say "zip it"!?
It's the first thing the burning bush said to Moses! [a homeless man approaches Homer]
Thank you for teaching us Scripture. [hugs Homer while he shows his tongue to Ned] Thank you.
Enjoying your moon view, Homer?
Homer, you have to do more!
Ook?!
I'm getting tired of your "Ooks". I can't do this alone. Where's your chore list?
Oh, I'm taking care of that! It's laminated. And to make sure I do it... [shows Marge a doodle of her on the back of the chore list] Hmm?
[Marge groans]
[Homer, Bart, Lisa and Maggie find an old car on the garage]
I've never seen this. It must've been left by some previous owner.
Holy moly, a valuable antique car!! This is the find of a lifetime! Oh, it's a stick.
[Homer enters the car and starts the engine]
Dad, shouldn't we see who owns the car?
Now, sweetie, according to the ancient law of Trover, abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner.
Man, ever since you watched Medieval Tomb Robbers on the History Channel, everything with you is Trover, Trover, Trover!
Boy, either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down!
Well, if it isn't my favorite gal in my favorite room!
I'm glad you had a good day.
You don't sound glad.
I'm not glad.
But you said you were glad!
You need to read between the lines.
Why? There's just white space there.
[crying] I'm sorry, Homie. Your life is full of fun surprises. My life sucks!
[sobs and grabs a box of tissues]
[thinking] Uh-oh. Tissues. [Marge lays down on the bed] W... would it help if I rubbed your back? Huh? Eh? Uh...
Your hands smell like steering wheel.
Poor Marge. What do I do? Help me, universe! [the doorbell rings and Homer opens the door] Jay Leno?!
Hiya! I was just passing in my 1973 Citroen DS Pallas when I saw that classic Morgan with the original wood dash interior. Man, I... I'd like to buy it!
You'll have to pay cash with no questions asked.
How much you want?
I said no questions!
[at the evidence locker] Let's see... Present for Ralph, present for Ralph... Ooh, what do we have here? [grabs a crossbow] Boy, Ralph would kill himself with this in two seconds. And somehow it'd be my fault.
[Chief Wiggum leaves the evidence locker whistling and encounters with Lou]
Uh... You heard me whistling there, right? That indicates innocence.
Uh.. Proclaiming your innocence indicates guilt.
Uh, yeah? Well, what does that mean? Skiddily bop and bah!
[he runs outside the door, enters on a car and drives away]
Okay, so, at a Ralph party, always get to the cake before...
[they see the cake deformed as Ralph's face]
Too late!
Oh my treehouse sucks.
Haw-Haw! You have class envy!
Nelson, honey, I told you to stop sayin' "haw-haw".
Give me a dollar and I'll stop.
I don't got a dollar!
Haw-Haw!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
