Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town.
YWYoung Woman
I am your niece, Uncle Joe.
[realizing] Good Lord! I'm an abomination!
S15 E16The Wandering Juvie
WWarden
So, why do you want to be a guard here?
I believe the children are the future... Unless we stop them now!
WWarden
Welcome aboard. [Holds a nightstick] This ends for beating. This ends for holding.
When does training start?
WWarden
It just finished.
WWarden
Well my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich. Turn on Will & Grace. And cry myself to sleep.
Hmmmm. Would you like to join us?
WWarden
Didn't you hear me? I've got my evening planned! [He slams the door shut]
S15 E17My Big Fat Geek Wedding
[after accidentally driving over a red ball] Oh my God, I've shredded a child! AGAIN! [races to a nearby road, heading for the border] Venezuela, here I come!
[at Moe's]
Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!
Who are all of you people?
We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.
I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.
SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!
[chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?
CChalmers
You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
[everyone cheers]
Why are you dressed as Catwoman?
[Dressed like Catwoman à la Batman Returns] They told me it was Catman!
Passion is for teens and immigrants.
S15 E18Catch 'em If You Can
MMoe
[emerging from "Adult Video section"] Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!
[Looking on an airline computer] So, Mom and Dad are going to Atlantic City [Types on the keyboard] but their luggage isn't. [laughs] And Homer's getting a low-fat meal.
[Camera cuts to a plane flying]
Homer: [From inside the plane] Nooooooo!!!!
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. The computer says that the movie Chocolate Star Wars doesn't exist.
I say you don't exist!
No, I'm right here under "staff."
This must be what it's like to be in space!
You've been to space.
And yet, I have never been to me...
S15 E19Simple Simpson
HPHost of Promiscuous Idiot's Island
Now, ladies, when you agreed to do this show, you were told you would be living with a millionaire on his private island. Well, I'm afraid we've misled you. [the women gasp]
[watching show] Get ready, skanks! Here comes the Truth Train!
HHost
This isn't an island at all. It's a peninsula!
W1Woman 1
[walking away] This was supposed to be about trust!
W2Woman 2
[crying] I just want to get on that boat and go home!
HHost
Well, you don't need a boat, because you can walk.
[Watching the show] What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX, you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated!
Quiet, the commercials are on! [Everyone looks at him] If we don't watch these, it's like we're stealing TV!
It's time to take him down a peg. Or should I say down a pie?
No, I think the expression is peg.
Maybe you're right Lisa. Maybe you're pie. Pie be your pie.
[Showing his place setting] Check it out! Dribble glass! Rubber knife! Whoopie salad! [stabs his fork into the salad, which makes a farting noise; chuckles] And finally, the break-away wine bottle! [hits the bottle hard on his head, but it doesn't break] ...did not arrive. [collapses with a groan onto table]
[after a mob gets chased and Pie Man rescues her] I'm not being trampled! What gives?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.