[The family think they're about to die]
Mom, I've always loved you. Lisa, you were a worthy foe.
S15 E13Smart and Smarter
[Lisa comes to school dressed as a goth.]
What are you now, Lisa? An Oakland Raiders fan?
It's called "Goth," eternally clueless one. My new name is "Raven Crow Neversmiles."
Cool. We could be Goth together. We'll got to the cemetery and summon the dark Lord by kissing and junk.
Okay... but first you must apprentice, by kissing the Goddess Ironica. Who lives in this rock. Do it for an hour, hour and a half. [Lisa hands Milhouse a rock and leaves]
Yes, my mistress. [Milhouse kisses the rock]
Lets try another one. A little harder.
[Lisa shows Maggie the word octogenarian. Maggie points at Grampa.]
No, that's wrong.
[Maggie points at Santa's Little Helper.]
[Sarcasticaly] That's right. This spells dog.
[Lisa gets caught in act]
[Angrily] Lisa ! You are purposefully teaching her the wrong words. Lisa, I'm surprised. Your sister just wants to learn and be like you. Well, maybe she needs a better role model.
[Homer makes phonic frog say, "I agree with your mother. You are a dissapointment to Huh, Oh, Muh, Eh, Er."]
[Lisa has ran away from home]
Lisa's gone, you have to find her!
CWChief Wiggum
Why can't you just accept that Lisa is old enough to look after herself. Back off and let her live her life.
What!
WWiggum
Oh, I thought you said eighty. Well, we'll get right on it.
[voice only, in credits] Do we really need three of these people? Too ethnic. Change it. More like "Cart wrong". Worst voicing ever. Finally, a real celebrity. Oh, good. More producers. Just what they need! Him, I like. Yes, but what's he done lately? Very original. Simon Cowell as Simon Cowell. Well done. [silence as end credit music continues playing, sighs] I really don't care anymore. All useless! Do credits really have to go this long?
[cues Gracie Films logo]
[voice only] Oh, shush yourself!
S15 E14The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
Doesn't your father ever read to you?
He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?!?
LLawyer
[whispers to Homer]
Inseminate myself? [to the Senate committee while pointing at his lawyer] Dudes, I think this guy's coming onto me.
LLawyer
You, sir, are a moron!
A mormon? But I'm from Earth!
My husband's going to jail and it's all your fault! Do you know why no one likes you?
Anti-semitism?
No. Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself!
Marge! I think about a lot more than just moi. [In his thought bubble, a can-can kickline of Artie Ziffs appears]
AZArtie Ziff can-can dancers
Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie...
[Then a whole audience of Artie Ziffs, clapping to the music appears as well]
AZArtie Ziff audience
Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff!
Oh... My... God. She's right.
[As Artie is going to prison] I have to admit. I'll miss having him around.
[Chuckles] I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.
[Snake walks up to Artie]
Yo, hobbit! I'm, like, your roommate. [Blows cigarette smoke in Artie's face]
Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. [Pulls out a spray bottle, dousing Snake's cigarette] Squirt, squirt, squirt! Your lungs will thank me!
Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.
[Artie notices more prisoners smoking]
Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you! [He douses their cigarettes, too] Squirt, squirt, squirt! [The other inmates get up and start circling around him] That's it! Circle around me! Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt! Squirt, squirt, squirt! Oh, I'm gonna need more water!
S15 E15Co-Dependent's Day
Man, even I think movie popcorn has gotten too big. [Bart tries to take Homer's popcorn, but Homer slaps Bart in his hand]
Ow!
Get your own, mooch!
[Homer is on the phone with the rehab clinic]
I can't talk to my wife for 28 days? Sir, she is not an alcoholic. You can't put me on hold, I'll put you on hold. [singing] I am a lineman for the county. [speaking] Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. [singing] And I drive the main road. [speaking] There are...eight... calls ahead of you. [singing] And the Wichita lineman is still on the li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-li-line.
[to himself as he smokes a cigarette] Oh god, I love to smoke. [realizing the camera is on] We're live at the latest opening of the epic space saga "Cosmic Wars". And, the nerds emerge from their basements wearing strange costumes to shield their pasty skin from the moonlight.
S15 E16The Wandering Juvie
[sobbing] My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world.
It's not all your fault. All of these years I've watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So...in a way, I too am a victim...of you.
[Marge continues sobbing]
You're a great mom. You're always there for Bart with love and support. His acting out was caused by negative reinforcement! [They both glare at Homer]
Oh, I get it. Blame the strangler! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph!
SMStore Manager
Sir, some people want to use that dressing room!
[in the dressing room with his trousers down] Dressing room? Uh-oh...
GGina
[dancing chained to Bart] OK! Here's my rules. The inclusion is to no eye contact and I don't want to hear how pretty I look.
Don't worry, you won't. [Gina kicks him down] D'oh!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.