Why is that man in pink?!
Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir. He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.
Simpson, eh? Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of freethinking anarchist!
S3Stark Raving Dad
Hey, Dad. Do you hear voices?
[annoyed] Yes, I'm hearing one now, though I'm trying to watch TV.
[checks] Yes. Are you quick to anger?
[angrily and raises his fist] Bart, shut up or I'll shut you up!
Yes. Do you wet your pants? Even the best of us has an occasional accident.
[as the doctor shows pictures of inkblots in the paper] The devil with his fly open.
DDoctor
Right. [shows the next paper]
Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Uh, they're going to eat it.
DDoctor
Good. [shows the next paper with an inkblot that looks exactly like Bart]
It's...THE BOY!
[The next morning, Bart and "Michael" push the piano into Lisa's bedroom while she's sleeping]
BBart and "Michael"
[Quietly] Lisa? Lisa! Lisa! [Bart pinches her nose and she wakes up]
Bart! It's 6:30 AM.
That's right! Hope you like your present! [He dumps trash out of her wastebasket, puts on his red cap, and turns to "Michael," sitting at the piano] And a one! And a two! And a one, two, three, four! [He taps the bottom of the wastebasket like a bongo drum]
?"Michael"
[Singing] Lisa, it's your birthday. God bless you this day. You gave me the gift of a little sister and I'm proud of you today.
BBart and "Michael"
Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa! Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa!
?"Michael"
I wish you love and goodwill. I wish you praise and joy!
I wish you better than your heart's desires...
?"Michael"
And your first kiss from a boy.
BBart and "Michael"
[As Homer, Marge, and Maggie come into the room] Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa! Lisa, it's your birthday! Happy birthday, Lisa!
Yeah!
Oh! This is the best present I ever got! [Hugs Bart] Thank you, Bart! Thank you, Michael!
LKLeon Kompowsky
[In his real voice] Well, my work here is done.
Hey, Michael! What happened to your voice?
LLeon
This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowsky and I'm a bricklayer from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Till one day, I just... [In Michael Jackson's voice] ...talked like this. [Normal voice] All of a sudden, everybody was smilin' at me and I was only doin' good on this earth. So I kept on doing it. To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy?
Not me! I've got this! [Shows his certificate, reading "Not insane"]
S3Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington
FCFaith Crowley
And here are your V.I.P. badges. These will get into place regular tourists never get to see!
Oh, miss! What does the "I" stand for?
CCrowley
Um..."Important."
Oh, okay. What about the "V"?
CCrowley
"Very."
Miss, just one more qu...
CCrowley
"Person."
Uh-huh. [pause] What does the "I" stand for again?
[During a lull in the Patriots of Tomorrow essay-reading contest, Lisa is questioned over her essay on corruption]
Lisa, what's gotten into you?
Yeah, your other speech was a little more crowd-pleasing.
I'm sorry Dad, I couldn't think of a nice way to say "America Stinks."
PBPaper boy
[selling Washington Beacon] EXTRA EXTRA! Feds nab rotten Rob!
[buys copy] Gimme one of those.
[reads headline] Imprisoned Congressman becomes born-again Christian.
I can't believe it. The system works!
S3When Flanders Failed
[a thought bubble opens on Ned with his jeans split up, next shows Ned crying over a closed Leftorium, next shows the grave] Uh...too far.
So, Bart. What did you learn in karate school today?
Yeah, come on, boy, this better be worth my ten bucks.
Uh... I learned the Touch of Death.
Ooh, the Touch of Death.
Permit me to demonstrate. Lisa, shut your eyes. Soon you will be at peace.
Hey, quit it, Bart. Quit it. Hey. Quit it! Quit it! Quit it! Mom!!
Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.
[Homer visits the Flanders to return a BBQ grill only to find them living out of their station wagon after the Leftorium goes out of business and his properties are seized]
Homer, I'm ruined. For me? Oh, thank you.
I know.
You know, in times like these, I used to turn to the Bible for solace, but even the Good Book can't help me now.
Why not?
I sold it to you for seven cents!
Oh.
[gets choked up] You know, ever since that barbecue, nothing had gone right. It's like there's been a... a curse on me. [and stops] Homer, Can you tell me? Tell me! What?!
[cries and tries to wipe tears with Flanders' own personal NF face towel] It's all my fault!
Wait. Is that my own personal NF face towel?
Yes, it is.
No, you tried to warn me against engaging in risky ventures! I should have known better than to gamble my family's future on some pig in a poke! I didn't listen. Homer, you are a true friend! [he and Homer embrace]
No, I was a swine. [Maude, Rod and Todd and Marge embrace as well]
[lets go of embrace] Listen, Flanders.
What?
Do you still have that store?
For two more days, then it becomes Libertarian Party headquarters. I hope they have better luck than I did.
Flanders, you open that store tomorrow.
[despondent] Homer, there's no point -
I SAID DO IT!!
S3Bart the Murderer
LLegs
What do you know? The kid's though.
He's got spunk.
I wonder if he is lucky also. Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.
Eat my shorts!
Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!
Don't have a cow!
[to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.
Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll never be famous!
S3Homer Defined
Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.
[over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.
[As the meltdown countdown nears zero]
Sir, there may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.
[sarcastically] Oh hot dog! Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward.
FIFemale Intercom
Crisis has been averted. Everything is super.
S3Like Father, Like Clown
[voice-over] My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.
YJYoung Jewish Man
Rebbe Krustofski, should I finish college?
RKRabbi Krustofski
Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.
JWJewish Woman
Rabbi, should I have another child?
RKRabbi Krustofski
Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.
JMJewish Man
Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?
RKRabbi Krustofski
Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?
JMJewish Man
Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?
RKRabbi Krustofski
Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.