The Simpsons quotes

Homer

[after watching a commercial about Dimoxinil] Hair. Hair. Just like everybody else.

Homer

So I say, forget you pal! Thanks for nothing! And I storm right out of there.

Ah ha, that's telling him, Homer.

Homer

D'oh! Out of tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny. Are you gonna use your sauce? Dry fish sticks! This sucks.

Carl

Quit complaining, chrome-dome.

Homer

D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!

Mr. Burns

Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.

Well, it’s in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.

Mr. Burns

Wait! Who is that young go-getter? [points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair]

Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful-looking.

Mr. Burns

Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!

[on the intercom] Attention Homer Simpson, you have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friends; then report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.

You don't belong here.

Homer

Huh?

You don't belong here. You're a fraud, a phoney, and it's only a matter of time 'til they find you out.

Homer

[gasps] Who told you?

You did. You told me that the way you slump your shoulders, the...the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain basement green polyester! [grabs his hands] I want you to say to yourself, "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle!" Go ahead, say it.

Homer

I-I-

Trust me, Homer!

Homer

I...

Take a step and say it!

Homer

I deserve this...

Louder!

Homer

I DESERVE THIS!

SHOUT IT!

Homer

I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE!

I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses.

Homer

YOU GOT IT, BUDDY!

Let's go shopping!

Homer

[comes in] Bart! What are you doing?!

Bart

Uh-oh. [accidentally drops the Dimoxinil, and it spills all over the floor]

Homer

[turns red with anger] Why, you little..! [Bart cowardly runs out of his father's room screaming, as the latter furiously chases him, angrily growling. He clumsily trips over the lamp and angrily strangles Bart] Boy must die!

Bart

I love you, Dad!

Homer

D'oh! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are going to haunt you for the rest of your days: You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!

Bart

It is?!

I just came to say goodbye to the gals in the typing pool.

Homer

Yeah, well, thanks for the speech, Carl, but I can't give it. [takes off his hat] Look at me!

I guess I hadn't taught you anything!

Homer

What do you mean?

Don't you see? The tartar sauce, the bathroom key, drying your boss's hands, you did it all! It was never the hair! You did it because you believed you could, and you still can.

Homer

No, I can't. I'm such a big fool!

Oh no, you're not!

Homer

How do you know?

Because my mother taught me to never kiss a fool!

Mr. Burns

[angry over Homer's failed speech] Well, well...our dashing young junior executive. You made a mockery of our meeting! I should fire you on the spot! [calms down] But I'm not going to.

Homer

[confused] Why?

Mr. Burns

How old do you think I am?

Homer

I don't know...102?

Mr. Burns

I'm only 81. [produces photo album. First photo shows him as a baby with a full head of hair] You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days...my glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls. [subsequent photos show him playing sports and at school dances] Oh, I was big man on campus, until my senior year... [final photo shows him in a lab with a receding hairline] ...when I became as bald as a plucked chicken. [sadly] You see, Simpson...I too know the sting of...male-patterned baldness. That's why I'm giving you your old job back.

Homer

What? [bends his knees] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Mr. Burns

Oh, now get outta here before I reconsider.

Homer

Oh. [gets up and leaves] Better hurry up.

Marge

Hello, everyone. You know, Halloween is a very strange holiday. Personally, I don't understand it. Kids worshiping ghosts, pretending to be devils… things on TV that are complete inappropriate for younger viewers. Things like the following half hour, nothing seems to bother my kids, but tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is was really scary. So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed early tonight, instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for your attention.

Marge

I'm not going to live in a house of evil just to save a few dollars.

Homer

Don't be so stubborn! We're not talking about a few dollars, [he's suddenly lifted up] we're talking about a few thousand dollars! [realizes this and freaks out screaming as he hits the ceiling backwards] It's got great high ceilings! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Uh, tell you what. [gets up] Let's sleep on it, okay?

Marge

Mmmm...Okay. Whatever happens...

Homer

What could happen?

Marge

[shouting at the house] Quit trying to push us around! Stop saying those horrible things and show some manners!

Here I opened wide the door-

Bart

This better be good.

Darkness there and nothing more.

Bart

You know what would have been scarier than nothing?

Lisa

What?

Bart

Anything!

Quoth the raven-

Bart

Eat my shorts!

Lisa

Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.

Bart

Okay, okay.

So, caught anything?

Lisa

Not yet, sir.

What are you using for bait?

Lisa

My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

I see. What's your name, son?

Bart

I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

[chuckling] I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!

Bart

Well this is my day, and we do, sir.

Mr. Burns

Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Barney

So, Homer, what happened in Capital City?

Homer

Oh, Barney.

C'mon, Homer. We're dyin' of curiosity.

Homer

Look, there's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one of those guys that sits in a bar, telling the story of how he became a loser, and I never want that to happen to me.