[after watching a commercial about Dimoxinil] Hair. Hair. Just like everybody else.
“Simpson and Delilah” · Season 2
In this episode: Homer Simpson (6), Mr. Burns (2), Bart Simpson (1), Waylon Smithers (1), Lenny Leonard (1), Carl Carlson (1)
So I say, forget you pal! Thanks for nothing! And I storm right out of there.
Ah ha, that's telling him, Homer.
D'oh! Out of tartar sauce. They call this a portion? Hey, Lenny. Are you gonna use your sauce? Dry fish sticks! This sucks.
Quit complaining, chrome-dome.
D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that!
[Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage]
Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
Well, it’s in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
Wait! Who is that young go-getter? [points at a monitor with Homer on it with hair]
Well, it sort of looks like [chuckles] Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful-looking.
Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!
[on the intercom] Attention Homer Simpson, you have been promoted. You are now an executive. Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friends; then report to room 503 for reassignment to a better life.
KKarl
You don't belong here.
Huh?
KKarl
You don't belong here. You're a fraud, a phoney, and it's only a matter of time 'til they find you out.
[gasps] Who told you?
KKarl
You did. You told me that the way you slump your shoulders, the...the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself in bargain basement green polyester! [grabs his hands] I want you to say to yourself, "I deserve this. I love it. I am nature's greatest miracle!" Go ahead, say it.
I-I-
KKarl
Trust me, Homer!
I...
KKarl
Take a step and say it!
I deserve this...
KKarl
Louder!
I DESERVE THIS!
KKarl
SHOUT IT!
I AM NATURE'S GREATEST MIRACLE!
KKarl
I'll need three weeks vacation and moving expenses.
YOU GOT IT, BUDDY!
KKarl
Let's go shopping!
[Bart is foolishly putting Dimoxinil on his face to grow a beard]
[comes in] Bart! What are you doing?!
Uh-oh. [accidentally drops the Dimoxinil, and it spills all over the floor]
[Homer and Bart freak out screaming]
[turns red with anger] Why, you little..! [Bart cowardly runs out of his father's room screaming, as the latter furiously chases him, angrily growling. He clumsily trips over the lamp and angrily strangles Bart] Boy must die!
I love you, Dad!
D'oh! Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna tell you three things that are going to haunt you for the rest of your days: You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
It is?!
KKarl
I just came to say goodbye to the gals in the typing pool.
Yeah, well, thanks for the speech, Carl, but I can't give it. [takes off his hat] Look at me!
KKarl
I guess I hadn't taught you anything!
What do you mean?
KKarl
Don't you see? The tartar sauce, the bathroom key, drying your boss's hands, you did it all! It was never the hair! You did it because you believed you could, and you still can.
No, I can't. I'm such a big fool!
KKarl
Oh no, you're not!
How do you know?
KKarl
Because my mother taught me to never kiss a fool!
[angry over Homer's failed speech] Well, well...our dashing young junior executive. You made a mockery of our meeting! I should fire you on the spot! [calms down] But I'm not going to.
[confused] Why?
How old do you think I am?
I don't know...102?
I'm only 81. [produces photo album. First photo shows him as a baby with a full head of hair] You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days...my glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls. [subsequent photos show him playing sports and at school dances] Oh, I was big man on campus, until my senior year... [final photo shows him in a lab with a receding hairline] ...when I became as bald as a plucked chicken. [sadly] You see, Simpson...I too know the sting of...male-patterned baldness. That's why I'm giving you your old job back.
What? [bends his knees] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh, now get outta here before I reconsider.
Oh. [gets up and leaves] Better hurry up.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.