[The Be Sharps are going through hard times.]
HSHomer, Skinner, and Apu
[singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop
Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop
Koop Koop-a-doop
[to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
PSPrincipal Skinner
Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
[Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder]
Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.
[On the recorder]
BSBarney's Girlfriend
Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]
[during the closing credits] I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition. [Everyone laughs, including Barney. After the laughter dies down]
[after seeing an episode of Up Late with McBain, where Rainier Wolfcastle gets booed for his homophobic joke about Scoey's outfit]
Bart [disgusted]: This is horrible!
Lisa [disappointed, but not surprised]: The FOX network has sunk to a new low.
LBLisa and Bart
AAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!
You wrote me those letters!
You awful man! Stay away from my son!
[menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!
Wait a minute. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
[Sideshow Bob grumbles and walks away]
But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"
No, that's German for "The Bart, The."
JJuror
No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without me knowing. And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and [winks] legal.
Is that so? [yells out kitchen window] Oh, Flanders? Won't you join me in my kitchen? [Ned turns off the hose. Homer stands on the wall next to the kitchen arch, preparing to strike Flanders] Heh-heh-heh-heh...
Uh, it doesn't work when you invite 'em.
[Homer has hired a detective to take care of Sideshow Bob]
DDetective
Now, don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this town again. I can be very, very persuasive. [Holsters a gun]
[Detective is at a bar with Sideshow Bob]
DDetective
[whining] C'mon, leave town!
DDetective
I'll be your friend!
DDetective
Oh, you're mean!
[the Simpsons are being placed in the Federal Witness Protection Program]
F1FBI Agent #1
Tell you what, sir, from now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "hi".
F1FBI Agent #1
Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer doesn't respond and stares blankly] Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
F1FBI Agent #1
Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer doesn’t respond and stares blankly. The FBI agents exchange looks]
[hours pass by]
F1FBI Agent #1
[frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
F1FBI Agent #1
[stepping hard on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[still doesn't respond and stares blankly again for a few seconds, then whispers to the other FBI agent] I think he's talking to you.
[the FBI agent facepalms]
[Homer busts into Bart's room at night with glowing eyes and a knife]
BART DO YOU WANT SOME BROWNIES BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?!
[Bart screams]
[Homer switches back to normal, holding a brownie tray]
Let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot!
Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher's knife!
Why? [looks at the knife in his hand] Oh, right! The Sideshow Bob thing! I'm sorry, boy.
[Homer puts the knife down, kisses Bart gently on the forehead, and walks out of the room. Bart turns over to go to sleep and Homer busts back in.]
BART YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?! [stands over Bart revving the chainsaw]
[Bart screams louder]
[Homer returns to normal]
Oh, sorry! What am I thinking?
[Homer kisses Bart on the forehead and walks out of the room]
Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under arrest.
[furious] By Lucifer's beard!
Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel.
Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake 'im away, toys.
FIFemale Intercom
[as the dog pulls the level to stop a meltdown] Meltdown averted. Good boy.
[Homer is sitting in a nuclear inspection van]
MNMale NRC agent
Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station.
MNMale NRC agent
Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
What the hell are you talking about?
[The agents slam the door of the van shut, and slide open a peephole to watch Homer]
[blubbering] What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me!
MNMale NRC agent
Relax! It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.
[to himself] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.
[Homer shields his eyes and pushes random buttons, inexplicably causing a meltdown]
MNMale NRC agent
No, no! This... can't be happening!
[Smithers and Mr. Burns run to an escape pod. Burns seals the door; Smithers desperately pounds on it]
For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
[reopens the door] I like to put my feet up.
[Homer emerges from the crater, glowing a radioactive green.]
Raargh! Must... destroy... mankind! [his watch beeps] Ooh, lunchtime. [Homer shakes off the radiation and walks off]
MNMale NRC agent
I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!
Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
MNMale NRC agent
The box, the box!
FNFemale NRC agent
Look, Burns, this is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away.
[Mayor Quimby appears, wearing a fur coat that still has the $5,000 price tag attached to it.]
Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away. [departs]
MNMale NRC agent
You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.
Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... dropping the charges.
[Burns presses a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens a few feet behind the NRC agents, who stare at it in confusion.]
The painters moved your desk, sir.
You [Homer] must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Actually sir we found the Jade Monkey; it was in your glove compartment.
And the road maps and ice scraper?
They were in there too sir.
Excellent, it's all falling into place.
